The 2014 ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup – Round Five

Greetings Tipsters


Did anyone get confused when Tom Hawkins replaced his torn jumper with a somewhat smaller one belonging to Josh Walker? No, didn’t think so. You couldn’t even read the names unless there happened to be closesup while the players were milling about awaiting a bounce. SO what’s the point, you might ask? Merchandising. Come on kids, harass your parents for long enough and they might buy you one with your favourite player’s name on the back.


I did wonder, however, how long it would be, should Hawthorn drop a few matches, until learned pieces about them missing ‘the Buddy X-factor’ would appear. They’ll just have to keep winning.


It pans out nicely for Zeus and cohorts, Top Of The Table Clashes on consecutive weekends. Can we learn anything from the rest of the table?


Lessee, there’s pepper, sambal, lemon juice, olive oil, fish sauce and hidden beneath the fruit bowl is a shivering bunch of kids in Brisbane Lions jumpers. Even Melbourne and Carlton can boast a win now but we can safely say that the bottom three, with two wins from fifteen matches, will be little of a threat to anyone save their supporters who will feel pangs of guilt every time they tip against them.


It gets interesting above those poor sods. Just one win between fifteenth and fourth. Yes, and a heckload of percentage. We can leave the Dogs and the Monaros out of our calculations but everyone else would be considered something of a chance to make the finals. Sydney, who six weeks ago were a Hot Flag Tip, are at the bottom of this group which gives you some idea of the task facing those teams on two wins. Will they make the eight or shape the eight?


Ah, the calculations. We’ve got a new work experience girl around the office now. Fatima’s gone off to study Anthropology and Kailyn has taken her place. She claims to be a computer whiz on account of all the apps on her HTC fone so I’ve set her to work to analyse the remaining rounds for thirteen teams, taking into account relative strengths, home ground advantage, all of that. She and her boyfriend Jaidyn have been loaded up with sugary drinks and carb-laden foods and will be back with it once they stop giggling in the storeroom.


For now, I’ll take a chance on throwing wads of snot at the ladder on the screen and see what the mystical arts turn up. Yep, Hawthorn and Geelong are up there, so’s Port. The Gypsy Fortune-telling App reckons that the snot have our old friends, the 4&20s up there or thereabouts along with the team who are neither purple nor funky.


Really, that aint purple. I’m most disappointed. Hopefully the ol’ anchor and navigation lights strip will return for a Heritage Round.


Anyway, the Saints and the Goldies have three wins but woeful eighty-something percentages that will haunt them in August, should they still be in the hunt. Of the two-win teams only the high-flyers of wherever they’ve decamped to since they left Windy Hill have a percentage above 100, and handily so, too.


So let’s say the Top Six are already setting themselves up for competitive seasons and have an excellent chance of playing in September. That leaves seven teams to ruck and maul their way into a knockout final against a hostile crowd.


There’s been more talk about an offside rule this week, even Mad Sheeds has gotten into the act, rambling about how AFL isn’t AFL, it’s gone all rugbyish. It’s a big talking point this year and one of far more importance to the game at large than whether Mick is a Collingwood plant or not. It deserves further investigation and we here at Stop Privatisation Of Footy Productions are the people to do it.


Cheers, Tipsters


P&C, a Stop Privatisation Of Footy Production, a division of Trans-Dementia Inc.

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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.

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