Terror Threat Alert from Team Australia

My fellow Australians,

 

As Homeland Security Minister my role is to ensure that the government protects you from the ever increasing terrorist threat.

Our monitoring of internet ‘chatter’ (a highly technical term that I will explain later) has led us to believe that a major terror ‘event’ (ditto) is being planned for this weekend.

Our opponents would have you believe that all this terror talk is just a diversion from the state of our China dependent economy; falling dollar; overburdened schools and hospitals; and undertaxed corporate elites.

I am writing to show you the incontrovertible evidence we have gathered to prove the terror threat is imminent.  Intercepted messages (as deciphered by our intelligence analysts) include:

  • “We’ll chop off their leads and strangle their supply” (‘leads’ is code for ‘heads’ – clever huh? – an obvious reference to planned beheadings and torture).
  • “We’ll go straight up the guts and take them on” (disembowelling).
  • “We’ll break their spirits and exhaust their will” (clearly planning a protracted campaign of terror).
  • “We’ll flog the bastards” (more torture threats)

On its own this would not be enough, but our analysis enables us to correlate these threats with many other factors.   Firstly the volume and intensity of these threats has increased tenfold in the past week.   And it is becoming increasingly concentrated around Sydney (a known terrorist hotspot) and the South Eastern Suburbs of Melbourne (near where a tragic incident has already occurred this week).

The Sydney threat is accompanied by frequent references to ‘blood stained angels’.  Quite clearly these are fanatics on a suicide mission.  The Sydney terrorists appear to favour red and white symbols, which our specialist in cultural semiotics interprets as a blood and purity ritual.

The Sydney fanatics appear to be on the move with large numbers from the northern and eastern suburbs on their way down the Hume Highway in an obviously well planned movement southward.  Their eventual target is uncertain but we have stationed extra security staff at the Dog on the Tuckerbox in Gundagai, and the Ettamogah pub outside Albury, as our analysts believe these cultural icons are in the path of the terrorist movements.

At this time of year it is not unusual for a lot of the active terror groups to go quiet.  We have reason to believe that there are ‘sleeper cells’ in hidden locations throughout Australia.  For example the Footscray cell had been silent for 60 years, with its leader hiding away in rural Mortlake.  An advance party was seen heading for ‘Etihad’ (a terrorist assembly point if I have ever heard one) on Sunday.  Tens of thousands of supporters of this strange cult whipped themselves into a frenzy, and were heard dispersing with the ominous threat that “we’ll be back for the big one”.

As the Prime Minister has made clear, there will only be one team in this country from now on, and that is TEAM AUSTRALIA.  All references to Hawks, Swans and all the other teams of primitive animal cult supporters (Eagles, Tigers, Dogs, Cats, Kangaroos etc etc) is hereby prohibited under the wide ranging powers recently granted to me by the parliament.  Disguising your true intent under patriotic names like Saints or Power or Dockers is also banned.

As you will be aware the Bombers were banned last year, and I have spoken to Justice Middleton about increasing the severity of their penalties.  Demons will be allowed to continue, but only to demonstrate how pathetic and humiliating it is to support these sort of groups.

Further I will be closing down websites and blogs like this one that encourage traffic and communication between supporters of these terrorist cells.  “Footy Almanac”; “Big Footy” and “Footy Tips” will all be prohibited terms and their internet sites will be closed down from midnight on Saturday.  Our analysts tell me that “footy” is a local adaptation of “fatwah” or Holy War.

You have been warned.

Go Team Australia.

Regards,

His Excellency (name redacted for security reasons)

Minister for Homeland Security

 

 

Comments

  1. Yvette Wroby says

    PB, one of your best. Yuu are a gem. Now I am worried because my affiliations are know far and wide. No sleeper or secret cell here.

    Enjoy the GF, wish you were in Melbourne to share the day

    Yvette

  2. We of the Footscray ‘Cell’ are also members of Hommus…we’ll always have a dip!

  3. Was that satire Mr B? On the first read I reloaded the traveller and was headed back to the wilderness. You just can’t be too sure these days.

  4. Neil Anderson says

    The sleeper cell in Mortlake has indeed been dormant for sixty years for very good reason.
    We are afraid of being picked for Team Australia by that lunatic wearing the red budgie-smugglers standing out the front with the football under his arm.
    Now that you have alerted authorities to our whereabouts we will take responsibility for the raid on the Eastern Suburbs stronghold at Etihad last Sunday. We intend to return there in the near future to defeat those cowardly leaders who sent boys to try and defeat our men of the west.
    Western Suburbs Liberation Front ( Mortlake Chapter )

  5. David Zampatti says

    Very Clarke and Dawe, Mr B.

    (or maybe Mitch Clark and Chris Dawes)

  6. Patrick_Skene says

    Thanks Minister,
    I feel safer already.

  7. Absolutely brilliant.

  8. Brilliant Peter. Until Team Australia gets a new captain/coach I’m not requesting to be traded back home.

  9. Mickey, what do we do here in Singapore this weekend if ABC’s Australia channel is kaput on Friday…..before the grannie…..thanks to Team Australia’s leader? Will FOX Sports pick up the game?

  10. bj- enormous thanks to T.Abbott and co as the Australia Network is switched off Saturday night, after the GF, in a display of open thinking and modern diplomacy.

    I eagerly await the Fox replacement that, as a US client, the Australian government will buy and broadcast in its place.

  11. daniel flesch says

    Mr _B , you can now expect a pre-dawn loud knock on your front door. One hopes the Avenging Eagle has a convincing fake Team Australia membership card to show the Inquisitors , or you’ll be taken into custody for security reasons and won’t be watching football for some considerable time.

  12. Mathilde de Hauteclocque says

    And we were going to have dukkah on our prawns. You’re right, Minister, we’d better have ketchup!

  13. Bob Speechley says

    For a while now I have been suspicious of the HARMS cell and their subliminal GO CATS mantra!

  14. Malcolm Rulebook Ashwood says

    Superb PB succinct and v clever thank you

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