The Ashes – Third Test, Day 1 – Stoneman certainly didn’t disgrace instead setting the pace in the Ashes race

by CARJAM aka Peter Carter and Jennifer Muirden


Australia v England, WACA Ground, Perth
Day 1, Third Test
4/305 at stumps (Malan 110no, Bairstow 75no)


Fierce Aussie parochialism aside, Day 1 of the WACA Test was one that cricket desperately needed and may have just resuscitated the ailing Ashes series.


When the coin landed correctly for Two-Up King Joe Root (he’s now won eight successive Test tosses, with a probability of just 1 in 256), it was a no-brainer England would bat.


Our view from the Scoreboard Stand at the WACA Ground. Photo: Jennifer Muirden


Even if the wicket was as green as a Richard Di Natale speech, surely Joe wouldn’t have considered again inserting Australia after the Adelaide fiasco – would he? However, it wasn’t the seasoned Root (20) and veteran opener Alastair Cook (7), but two “lesser lights” – and a “heady” wicket-keeper from Yorkshire – who showed that the English lion still has some fight.


Two Almanacker Whackers at the WACA Ground. Photo: Jennifer Muirden


Cook’s miserable series continued, No.3 James Vince (25) looked far from invincible, while Root’s departure was unexpected.


But opener Mark Stoneman (56) rode his luck after getting the visitors off to a flyer with three successive boundaries in Mitch Starc’s second over.


Scoreboard at the WACA Ground taken just before A. Cook (7) was dismissed lbw Mitchell Starc Photo: Jennifer Muirden


In between some spanking (shots), the Man of Stone fended off two short balls that fell tantalisingly close to fieldsmen, almost fell to what would’ve been a diving Nathan Lyon gully catch, and saw Mitch Marsh drop a dolly at first slip.


Pommy spirit was alive and well in this very regal bar on the Gloucester Park side of the WACA Ground. Photo: Jennifer Muirden


But even through beer goggles, it seemed England – at 4-131 – would struggle to reach 200. Enter Dawid Malan (110no) and Jonny Bairstow (75no), the pair adding an untroubled, unbeaten 174 to stumps.


Steve Smith used six bowlers, including his own frog-in-a-blender leg-spin for three overs (0-8) and Mitch Marsh for just seven (0-25).


Amongst the predominantly Barmy Army crowd this Blokes Advice t-shirt was a bloody appealing standout. Photo: Jennifer Muirden


Mitch Starc (2-79) had the figures – figures that would’ve looked a whole lot better had second slip Cam Bancroft not grassed Malan when the free-stroking left-hander was on 92.


Pat Cummins (1-60) and Josh Hazlewood (1-62) were threatening throughout, while Nathan Lyon (0-61) continued to find the WACA an unhappy hunting ground.


December rain in Perth is as rare as wings on a cat, but stormy weather forecast for Days 4 and 5 may ensure that England avoids the prospect of another whitewash.


Barmy Army Bathers Bloke strutting his stuff on the Gloucester Park side of the WACA Ground. Photo: Jennifer Muirden


But there’s still a lot of cricket to be played after a day when the weather was balmy (army), the company (including the wonderful Jen Muirden) warm, the beers cold and the garlic chips on the Gloucester Park side of the ground sen-bloody-sensational.


Why thank you, Fitzroy Pete I too enjoyed your company and accurate recollection of statistics! Now, in my usual fashion, and as a tribute to both mettlesome Mark Stoneman (56) and Dawid Malan getting England off to a flying start and, significantly, the immense talent of Soundgarden’s lead singer and songwriter Chris Cornell, who tragically took his life on May 18 this year, I felt compelled to rewrite the lyrics of the song Spoonman.


Cornell’s song is about a street artist named Artis the Spoonman, who notably played the spoons on the streets of Seattle, where Soundgarden was originally formed. Artis played his spoons on the song Spoonman, and is credited on the album (Spoons: Artis The Spoonman) and also featured in the video.



Stoneman by Jennifer Muirden
Sung to the tune of Spoonman on Soundgarden’s Superunknown album (1994)




Feel the rhythm with your bat
(Steal the runs while you can) Stoneman
Speak the rhythm on your own
(Speak the rhythm not alone) Stoneman


Stoneman, came together with Malan
Saved him, came together with his plan
Saved him, yeah
Saved, oh



Well, all his friends are Corinthians
(All his friends are white and red) Stoneman
And few of his friends are endoskeletons
(They won’t wither to a bag of bones) Stoneman
Oh, hmm


Stoneman, came together with Malan
Saved him, came together with his plan
Saved him
Saved him
Saved him
Saved him, yeah
By Dawid
By Dawid Malan
By Dawid Malan
Came on, came on, came on, came on did


Mmm, charged on while Stoneman went off
(Charged on while Stoneman went off)


Stoneman, came together with Malan
Saved him, came together with his plan
Saved him, yeah
Saved him
With his, with his bat
Felt the rhythm with his bat
(Scored the runs like Genghis Khan) Stoneman


Presenting The Tigers’ Almanac 2017. Read all about it HERE.

Purchase The Tigers’ Almanac 2017 HERE.




Author of "Dreamer, Drifter, Drunk" (see for purchase details); diehard Fitzroy supporter who's never forgiven the AFL for its "clinical execution" of the RoyBoys in 1996; fanatical fan of East Perth in the WAFL (though disgruntled about the alignment with the West Coast Eagles); lover of all things willow on leather; worshipper of the great Allan Border and disciple of the feisty Rodney Hogg. Jennifer Muirden has been a keen St Kilda supporter since 1978 and fondly remembers her childhood Saturdays spent at Linton Street, Moorabbin. In her lifetime she hopes to experience the Saints second Premiership.


  1. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks Pete and Jen. Those photos really convey the atmosphere of a day at the Gloucester Park end.

    How does a WACA crowd compare to others? Was there much talk about the “new ground”?

  2. Hey Swish, the WACA certainly attracts a boisterous crowd but not as voluminous or carrying on with outrageous antics such as what we experienced back in the good ol’ days in Bay 13 at the G!

    I honestly cannot believe how small the WACA actually is and was flabbergasted when I discovered there was only one scoreboard!!! This was part of the reason we moved to the Gloucester Park side because I got sick of having to crook my neck or get up and walk over to it to get a good look at the stats.

    Lining up at the bar for beers was a nightmare, there were few decent food options and there were many parts around the ground that were extremely foul smelling. By no means a showcase event stadium it’s nonetheless a cute little ground with country town character – but not at all practical.

    On the Wednesday when I arrived I viewed the outside of the new $1.45 billion Perth Stadium which is just a stone’s throw from Packer’s Perth Crown Casino and couldn’t believe how much it looked like a groovy state of the art gallery or entertainment venue – but not at all like a sports venue!

    Old mate Beva went to the media conference and tour of the new 60,000-seat venue and I would have loved to have heard his views but sadly he’s been a tad too busy with all his broadcasting commitments for us to catch up for a coffee or bevvy to chew the fat in Perth.

  3. Hi Pete and Jen,

    Thanks the terrific match report and the remixed song. You both show your talents and demonstrate good team work. I am impressed with your great article.

    England seems to use all luck on winning tosses rather than matches. Starc is terrific in bowling, isn’t he?

    Did he trick English batsmen in the match or scare them off?



  4. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks Carjam for the write up and photos staggering that England managed to lose by an innings from a position of total dominance

  5. I’m not sure how to log in as CarJam, so will resort to FitzroyPete, but thanks for your kind words, Swish, Yoshi and Malcolm.
    Have to admit the CarJam initiative was Jen’s idea.
    As well as composing great lyrics, Jen is also wonderful at taking photos while balancing her beer(s).
    Being a diehard Sandgroper (except I support neither the Dockers or Eagles) who’s spent many a day at the WACA over the years, I’ll take the WACA over the MCG any day, thank you very much.
    Great to win back the Ashes and glad the weather behaved itself for a few hours as it’s raining outside my place.
    But perhaps I’m confusing the current rain with the beer tide as the Aussies celebrate another home Ashes success.
    Wouldn’t another 5-0 be wonderful?

  6. Jennifer Muirden says

    Hey there Fitzroy Pete, think we’ll have to agree to disagree. MCG is the Mecca… the WACA pales into insignificance!

  7. I think a person’s preferred ground is all based on his/her memories, Jen.
    I first attended the WACA as a wide-eyed boy from the bush (Tammin, WA) more years ago than I care to mention on a public forum, so naturally have many fond memories of the venue.
    The MCG is a fantastic ground, absolutely world class, but my first visit was the 1981 first semi-final: Collingwood 19.19 (133), Fitzroy 19.18 (132).
    Love both grounds for vastly differing reasons and think each has its place in Australia’s rich sporting culture.

  8. Swish, Yoshi and Malcolm, many thanks for your kind feedback.
    Jen was the lyricist, photographer and brains behind carjam.
    Not being a prolific elbow bender these days, I cobbled a few words together that night as the leprechauns tapped frantically away at my fragile skull.
    Swish, despite the romance of the WACA (from my perspective), it can be a bit of a sardine can once the crowd exceeds 15,000.
    The popular local sentiment is that the new stadium will be a revelation, notwithstanding the entirely reasonable argument that the money could’ve been spent on other areas such as health.
    Yoshi, I think Mitch Starc has a mental hold over England’s batsmen, particular the tailenders.
    The fact he took two hat-tricks to finish off both innings in the Sheffield Shield match against WA before the Test series began would’ve had the England touring party a bit nervous.
    Rulebook, my research indicates that England’s innings loss is only the second such occurrence by a team that has had a double-century partnership in one of its innings.
    In February 2010, Hashim Amla (114) and Alviro Petersen (100) added 209 for the second wicket in the first innings of South Africa’s innings loss to India in Kolkata.
    Amla also made a hundred in the Proteas’ second dig.

Leave a Comment