State-level Footy: Clarence player flashes into Tassie footy folklore

By Bill Walker

With the current Ute Gate affair taking national headlines away from Tasmania, where a Labor minister recently  fell on her sword simply for employing her mother and two sisters without considering due process, a southern Tasmanian footballer has taken the initiative to steal the headlines back where they belong — and flash into Tassie footy folklore along the way.

Clarence reserves player Tim Orchard who apparently used to play with his IQ (No.25) on his back, was seated in club colours directly behind a post-match dressing-room interview of a senior player on statewide ABC television when it was noticed that his alter-ego was protruding from his team trousers.

For his short coming Orchard has received an indefinite suspension from the game and is required to undertake behavioural management counselling and participate in community work. He chose not to dispute the class one offence, realising that recent breakthroughs in technology would allow investigators to zoom in no matter how minute the object was.

The incident following Clarence’s victory over South Launceston provided the ABC with the show-and-tell scoop of the year. Although unspectacular in terms of the main game, Orchard’s one percenter received due recognition from a teammate who immediately ran to him for a high five.

Clarence has form in the macho stakes after beating a northern team. A decade or so ago, after Clarence had won the statewide grand final, several Clarence players hired a helicopter to fly from Hobart to Launceston and land in the centre of York Park. Apparently suffering from a little nervous high due to the chopper flight, the boys had just enough time to get out and relieve themselves on the ground where they had recently won the flag. Then they flew home again.

Clarence president Richard Mulligan was embarrassed and angry about Orchard’s act, and acted decisively. Sam Newman is believed to have flown to Hobart for a full briefing prior to his re-enactment on this week’s Footy Show.

Orchard has shortened to favourite to win the Tasmanian State League’s coveted Richard Cranium Award, which is currently held by Newman for his crude comments regarding the former Tasmanian tourism minister, Paula Wreidt, twelve months ago.