So Brisbane’s Bloody Boring is it Mate?


Enemy Number One having another whinge – no wonder he became a Pom

What sort of f*****t knocks back a free medium-rare eye fillet with mushroom sauce and coleslaw and a jacket potato packed full of bacon and sour cream washed down with a few schooners off the wood at the Brekky Creek?

Perhaps a reformed alcoholic like Archie, forced by genetics to take his steak with a soda water and lime (real limes please and plenty of ice). Or maybe his mate Damo, who’s watching his weight and opts to meet the calorie count by doubling the number of schooners and eating a grilled barramundi instead?

Their date Laura Geitz is captain of the Diamonds and a married woman who loves her country and, sadly for the boys, her husband so she’s entitled to choose a Caesar salad and stay off the turps and drink mineral water, but at least she’s there in the Spanish Garden and wouldn’t miss an afternoon at the Creek for quids.

But it’s a sad indictment on the current Australian bowling attack that Kevin Pietersen, the boorish Boer who shat upon the nation of his birth because he couldn’t make it as one of the white seven of the Protea’s eleven, can bowl into town and knock back an invite to the Brekky then tell us that BrisVegas is boring.

Boring? You’ve got to be f*****g kidding.

Is Miranda Kerr boring? Orlando Bloom didn’t think so, neither does Nicole Kidman ‘cos hubby Keith’s a Brissy boy. And given that Geoffrey Rush has won a few acting awards Hollywood reckons we’re not too sluggish, and the boys from Savage Garden had a few top ten hits too so our singing’s not so shabby either. Certainly The Veronica’s don’t seem to think so, and The Saints, Regurgitator and Powderfinger appear to agree.

Cathy Freeman’s training may have been boring prior to winning the 400m Olympic Gold, and Stephanie Rice probably thought the black line at the bottom of her Brissie pool was crap until she won three gold medals, and we’re sure Rocket Rod Laver found 10,000 forehands a day at the old Milton courts excruciating until he became the first bloke to win the Grand Slam. But Alan Jones and John Eales weren’t particularly bored when they won Grand Slams and World Cups were they KP?

And Kev – why is it that so many s*******e rats are named Kev – we’re sorry that our man Kingsford-Smith didn’t stop at Pietermaritzburg to say g’day en-route to making the first Trans-Pacific flight, but it was a bit out-of-the-way and when he asked himself the question “Pieterermaritzburg –  Where the Bloody Hell are Ya?” and couldn’t answer it, well he just kept on flying.

And Charlie’s question is one that you probably won’t be able to answer yourself, because you bolted from the joint when you realised that cricketing greats like Victor Mpitsang (who?) were going to keep you out of the local side. But those of us who like the idea of a fair go, and remember the great Breaker Morant, know that it was your mob who kicked Mahatma Gandhi off the train because of the colour of his skin, thus setting in train the events that ended British rule in India and ultimately led to the death of apartheid at home. Bad luck that hey?

But you can’t have these coloured buggers keeping you out of the side can you mate? I mean for f***’s sake you Saffers survived 100 years without a brown face on the oval (except the lunch boy and the bloke who cleaned the dunnies) so why did you need to start now? Since that bloody Mandela ripped the pass cards up and let them sit in the front of the bus things have gone from bad to worse, but haven’t they ever watched a test match (probably not because you didn’t play them for thirty years) – the Proteas wear white not black, because it’s a white man’s game up in Natal.  Which of is course of why you legged it to over to England and are now the most hated man in the British Isles.

But don’t worry KP that’s nothing compared to how we feel about you here in the land of Can Do. You’re just bloody lucky mate that Lillee and Thommo aren’t bowling at you on Thursday, because then you’d be bloody bored. With holes right through you. They’d knock your big head from your shoulders and Thommo, who loves Brisbane, would be putting them at your guts all day and then we’d see how smart you are bigmouth.

We suppose you think it’s safe to mouth off because our bowling was rubbish over there in the damp, dreary dull as dishwater land of Prince Charles and other exciting coves like Geoff Boycott, but mate you don’t shit in an eagle’s nest and expect to get the better of it. Mitch Johnson ain’t too happy with you brother, and they reckon he’s been throwing them down like fireballs in the Gabba nets every time he thinks of you. And we’ve just been foxing about Watto, he’ll be bowling – straight at your head.

So make sure you wear the kevlar Kev ‘cos our boys are gunning for you.

About Archie Butterfly

Archie's decided to follow the dream and try become the next great Aussie bush poet. They all think he's mad. He's out to prove them right!


  1. Jeez Archie you know how to test an editor. You don’t hang back mate, always pushing the boundary between fair comment and sledging.
    As one to another its ‘recovering’ not ‘recovered’ in my Big Book.
    As for KP I get that he’s arrogant, but he’s also got the track record to back it up. And as a young bloke I’d be personally offended if I was left out of a team for inferior players, though I accept the logic of positive discrimination to overcome past inequities.
    I don’t know of anything that suggests that KP is personally racist or discriminatory, so I found the ‘your kind’ references unfair (and probably defamatory). I decided on balance to let them through in the interests of an open debate, but remember to play the ball and not the man.
    Love your passion and verbal flair, even if I disagree with some of the commentary.

  2. Steve Baker says

    Interesting that KP kept his thoughts to himself on Brisbane when McGrath, Gillespie and Lee were sending them down at his head. But then again, all those days spent in the field chasing after Haydos’ and Alfie’s boundaries may have unpleasant memories for him.


  3. Point taken Peter and sorry to give you a hard time, but up here in Queensland we view bagging a bloke’s howetown the same way as Victorians view Wayne Carey’s shenanigans with Anthony Stevens’ wife. You can take Mrs Butterfly off my hands anyday, but don’t bag Brisbane! Jokes aside, I stand by the charges I have inferred against KP. The well-known reason that Pietersen left SA was because he couldn’t get a provincial contract. He’s been ranting ever since that it was because of the quota system, but what he never says is that he was a 17 year old off-spinner and tail-end batsman who was already on a junior contract with Natal when he demanded an upgrade to senior status. At the time Natal already had 2 off-spinners on the books and both of them played for South Africa. Their names were Pat Symcox and Derek Crookes, and both of them were white. So how the quota system had anything to do with it is a mystery, and I’ll maintain to my grave that blaming an affirmative action policy for your own failings when it actually had nothing to do with it is a racist act. Malcolm Conn wrote a good piece in 2006 detailing the events leading to Pietersen’s move to England.

  4. Relax Archie.
    Matthew Hayden is boring.
    The media brow beating is boring.
    Trying to predict whether Warner/Smith/Freddie Mercury (Johnson) have turned the corner is boring.
    Australian players making selection (and coaching) comments is boring (and naive and disruptive).
    Xenophobia is boring.
    Good cricket is not.

  5. Matty Hayden boring Crio? Heresy! Next thing you’ll be telling us that Laurie Daley was a better footballer than Wally Lewis and that would be bound to start a cross-border civil war. Xenephobic’s a bit harsh when directed toward someone from the state where Pauline Hanson once won 11 seats (although only because the Nationals directed their preferences to One Nation instead of putting them last on their how to vote cards). Xenophobia involves an irrational or unreasoned fear of that which is perceived to be foreign or strange. Obviously Pietersen is both foreign and, in our view, decidedly strange. But no-one that I am aware of fears the bloke, his bowling is far too slow for that, it is simple that we Queenslanders don’t like him. And our reasons are neither irrational nor unreasoned, simply parochial (having a limited or narrow outlook or scope) when it comes to the Sunshine State. And while we confess to being one-eyed wearers of Maroon I must point out that we didn’t divvy the nation up into colonies or draw the State boundaries, that was the Poms and the Founding Fathers of 1900. And our animus toward Pietersen is not a racial or anti-foreigner thing – we welcome people from any creed or colour up here, just take a peek at our Origin team or my wife and kids – but in fact the polar opposite, driven by a deep sense that Pietersen is using race as a cudgel to bludgeon the cricketing world about his deep-set hostility toward the political dynamics of affirmative action in South Africa, a nation of 100 million people, only 5% of them like myself of European ancestry. Yes the man is a great (rather than good) cricketer, just as Hanse Cronjie was a great cricketer, Sonny Liston a great boxer, and OJ Simpson a great footballer. But does it make them great men? And what vicarious responsibility do we hold for their behaviour by exalting and enjoying them purely as sportsmen rather than assessing them as the human beings that they are?

Leave a Comment