Round 8: The Wrap


Where Life imitates Football

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. For the second week in a row an amusement out of Europe outrated the indigenous feature event at the MCG.  This week it was the Eurovision Song Contest pulling the viewers.  And just as well they did.  Geelong smashed Carlton by 13 snaggers in another spiritless Silvertail performance.  Even the Malthouse presser – once compelling viewing – has driven the cringe needle off the scale.

On Saturday West Coast got close to kicking The Sweep against The Gallant Sainters. GWS continued on their merry way at the expense of The Mighty Adelaide Crows.  The Maggies bounced back up in Wally World.  The Hawks repeated their 2012 performance against The Bloods.  And The Barry Crockers held The Pademelons to the lowest score of the season thus far.

Come Sunday and the Bombers brought The Boys From Old Fitzroy back to earth with a thud.  The Quixotic Demons drove The Quixotic Bulldogs from The Eight.  And over on TPAO, The Tigers Of Old drove another nail into Port’s 2015 coffin.

For all those who play and follow The Game for Love, the journey of The Carey Fairies has been one of semper sursum onwards.  Originally dubbed F Troop, they fell just short of taking the Double Chance in the Ammos Premier League against St Bernards on the weekend.  Buoyed by their first win against the X-men in living memory, they matched it with The Brandy Hounds to the First Huddle but were blown away by an 8-2 to 2-1 Second Stanza.  They kept at The Booze Dogs but it was a gap too far.  Final sores:  The Pass Puppies 15-13 (103); The Panthers 12-12 (84).  It gets a bit easier for them next week when they visit Uni Blacks in the Picturesque University Oval.

And here’s The Skip of Skipton 8-point Ladder as she sits at the end of Round VIII.  (Better check it out Skip.  He can be a bit distracted after a Richmond win – Ed)

FREMANTLE                        52.5

WEST COAST                       47.5

SYDNEY                                42.5

GWS                                       42.5

COLLINGWOOD                40.5

ADELAIDE                          38.5

HAWTHORN                      38

Richmond                        34


Essendon                             32

Geelong                                31

Footscray                              31

North Melbourne                29.5

Melbourne                           25.5

Port Adelaide                      25

St. Kilda                                19

Gold Coast                           15.5

Brisbane                               15.5

Carlton                                 12


The Bagman’s Corner


Ex-Bluebaggers – Betts 3, Kennedy 4, Gartlett 1 Waite 0, Robinson 1

Current Bluebaggers – 9  (Same as last week, at least they’re consistent – Ed)

You were lucky this time Ladbrokes.  We’ll let it ride till next week.

The Coach Most Likely?  You find us a Bagman betting against it being You Whistle and I’ll Point please let us know.  There’s an earner in it for you.  (I heard Ladbrokes will take them, but you’ve got to nominate the date and time down to the forward minute – Ed)

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who’s on the wrong side of the gate after Round VIII.

The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires v The Miseries.  What can you say Wrappers?  Last week we were talking in hushed tones of the Madness of Mick Malthouse.  This week the pendulum has swung to the Biggest Moral Issue of This Season: the welfare of the Playing Group at Visy Park.  (You saying it’s not all as Mens Sana In Corpore Sana as it should be around at Optus Oval Wrap? – Ed)   Certainly one thing that can be said is that Michael Malthouse is in the running to be the first Carlton identity to win the coveted Fevola Medal, for bringing The Game into disrepute.  His public spat with his employers is as unedifying as it is unhelpful.  And are we alone in observing a dark gloom-cloud hovering over the Little Ground Along Royal Parade?  We might be reading too much into the following, but there does seem to be a pattern.  In Mick’s presser he said they’d been crippled by injuries.  Last Friday, my word was that Michael Jamison would probably get up this week, so he could play on [Tom] Hawkins.  By Monday, it wasn’t the reality so we thought we’d play Lachie Henderson on him … by Tuesday that was out of the question.  Then we’ll play Matthew Kreuzer and play him back on [Mitch] Clark … we find out Wednesday Matthew can’t play.  That’s the sort of situation we’re in. We’re trying to get the right list up, we keep hitting roadblocks.  Can’t play or don’t feel like playing Mick?  Players at the Elite Level will usually do anything to get themselves fit for a game.  Even tell untruths about their physical condition.  This current crop of Bluebaggers look disinterested.  Not just in playing for Carlton, they just don’t look as though they want to be playing Footy at all.  It’s time to ask the tough question, with all these injuries, are we seeing the Football equivalent of shooting themselves in the foot around at Princess Park?  We caught a bit of the contest match during the add-breaks on SBS.  Mark Murphy played like he’d rather be on stage in Vienna with Guy Sebastian.  (After being felled by friendly fire last week, who’d blame him? – Ed)  It wasn’t that he jibbed it or anything; he looked, well, Beyond Blue.  The Carlton CEO, Steven Trigg flagged a warning that the 100% support for the Coach may be now as high as 150% (And building – Ed) and that an end of season revue of the position had been moved forward to mid-season.  It’s a pity Mick made the match all about him, because there we signs that Captain Carlton still had a pulse.  Curnow and Selwood had a ding-dong struggle but when the opposition is allowed to score 20-3 from set shots, you’d have to concede that pulse is very weak and requires emergency treatment plus a long stint in intensive care.  In fact from here in the Wrapcave we’d even go as far as to say it’s a toxic working environment and one that is not treating the mental state of young men with due care.  (Another OH&S issue, eh Wrap? – Ed)  The Moggies will take the Four Points and the much needed percentage back down the Geelong Road to Sleepy Hollow.  Next week they cross the Nullarbor to take on the High Flying Weagles.  The Blue Basket Weavers take their looms up to Steak & Kidney for another Friday Night Billing.

GWS v The Pride of South Australia.  Let it be said, The Orange Excitement Machine has the Self Belief of youth and talent.  Let anyone climbing the beanstalk to steal the magic harp and the goose that lays percentage beware.  The Sleeping Giant has awoken.  Students of The Game, Punters and Pundits get a chance to run an eye over them while they’re down in Marvellous Melbourne for the twilight zone match against The Bullies on Saturday.  The Crows are back in the City of Churches where it’s their turn to see if they can withstand The Dangerous Dockers on Saturday night.

The Ablettless Suns v The Collingwood Magglepies.  This was as pedestrian as it gets.  The Mighty Maggies OTR v The Metricon Experiments in front of 16,440 Southern holidaymakers and Chinese package deal tourists.  A good percentage build for The Pies; more free falling for The Suns.  Next week The Woodsmen go free-to-air on Sunday arvo against The Joeys.  The Suns also go free-to-air.  Get the kiddies out of the house for Saturday afternoon.  They’re playing The Unsociable Hawks in a very filthy mood.

The Mayblooms v The Bloods at THOF on Saturday night.  The Paid-up Proud and Passionate may have to rethink their season.  Their Threepeat took another knock on Saturday night. It’s probably a bit early to tell yet, but let’s say The Dockers – at two games clear of the pack – have a claim on one of the Double Chance/Home Final spots.  And West Coast, Sydney and GWS likely to be slugging it out for the remaining Home Final/Double Chance privilege, it leaves The Mayblooms two behind that mob.  Their percentage, at 145.8%, is healthy – and they’re likely to increase that next Saturday arvo when they host The Setting Suns.  But the truth is, they’ve lost a couple of close ones.  And as any SOTG will tell you: GTWTCO.  The talk in the walk to Jolimont Station was upbeat.  As true Sons and Daughters of The Leafy East, no one was admitting they were beaten on the night.  Oh no.  We lost it was the theme, and in all truth they did.  Whipping boy this time, much to Ryan Schoenmakers’ relief, was Matt Suckling.  Taylor Duryea’s name came up more than once as a replacement.  But the reality is that they had a couple of chances to seal the result in the Shadow of Full Time and they fluffed them. Let’s not take anything away from The Bloods.  They jumped The Slow Starting Hawks and finished over the top of them in a low-scoring, hard-slogging nail-biter.  (Are we seeing a pattern setting in here? Ed)  Could be Oh Wisely Reworker of Words.  The only loss in which they got the jump was the GWS game up there, and then they were overrun.  More Weeties?  Who knows?  But you can bet The Waverley Brains Trust out there along the Eumemmerring Creek will be working on it.  Getting back to The Bloods, they were magnificent the way they hung in there under extreme pressure.  In one five minute burst they were caught with the ball no less than three times.  In another passage of intense play The Hawkers withstood a withering Sydney forward thrust across the halfback line.  Yet The Lakers stayed at their post.  If you ever wanted just an inkling of what it was like in the trenches of Gallipoli or the jungles of Kokoda, watch the tape of Saturday’s match.  It was boots and barstools early on, and skirmishes kept flaring up for most of the night.  Did the Hawthorn Captain’s rush of blood a fortnight ago cost them the match?  Maybe, then maybe not.  But he probably would have played instead of Matt Suckling.  The Swans Rain Down The Under on The Troubled Bluebaggers next Friday in another big night for Video Easy.

The Mauve Miasma v The Shinboners. Tipped to go one better this season, The Norsemen sit 4-4 with a percentage of 90.4 and a match against Collingwood next Sunday on The G.  True, The Kangas were down on numbers, Swallow, Wells, Del Santo, Grima and Adams would all be in the starting XXII, but 5-12 is a pretty miserable effort on a day the opposition kicks 17-13.  And it doesn’t get any better.  They have to drag themselves back across the Nullarbor and prepare to salvage their season against The Four and Twenties next Sunday.  The Dangerous Dockers appear to be in a league of their own this season.  (Maybe even from a planet of their own – Ed)    You thinking far off Krypton Oh Exalted Alterer of Egos?  They’re off to The City of Light to test themselves against The Pride of South Australia on Saturday night.

The Same Oldes v The Lions.  A handy percentage build for The Dons and a good hitout for Young Joe Daniher.  The Maroons stayed with The Marshmallows for half the match, but had no answers to the overall strength of The Homeside in the Second Half.  They’re back in a more equal contest next Sunday for the early one when they host The Saints.  For the Bombers it’s a real challenge when they go into The Dreamtime against The Rampaging Tigers.  Get to the ground early on Saturday to catch the ceremonial welcome to country and the post welcome festivities.

The Fuchsias v The Tri-colours.  Punters and SOTG alike would be entitled to ask for The Dogs out at Whitten Oval to be swabbed.  Fair Dinkum, this is the team that has beaten The West Coast Eagles (2nd), Richmond (8th), Adelaide (6th) and The Sydney Swans up there (2nd).   Since that Famous Victory up in the Harbour City they’ve coughed up a 55 point lead to St Kilda (15th), nearly overhauled The Invincibles, and now dropped a match to Melbourne (14th).  (Not a bit early for the tag The Invincibles Wrap? – Ed)  I can only call ‘em as I see ‘em Boss.  We find out next Saturday arvo if it’s a season too far for The Kennel Coughs when they host The Gargantuans under cover in the gathering gloom of Saturday.  The Redlegs plant The High Flying Flag on Anzac Hill next Saturday in an early one against The Pedal Powered Port.

The Power From Port v The Tigers of Old.  Not sure if the result here tells us more about The Tigers or The Power.  Port are never a pushover, especially at The Portress.  Or they didn’t use to be.  Not sure what’s wrong, but they’ve certainly come off the rails.  They opened the season with an honourable loss over in Perth against The Dockers, then copped a belting at Home from The Bloods.  A fighting win under cover against The Shinboners and a couple of solid wins over TRP and Crosstown Rivals Adelaide and everything looked to be on track.  Even a 10 point loss in tough conditions, again in Perth, against Second Placed West Coast gave no indication of what was about to unfold over the next fortnight.  First it was a fatal walk into The Lions’ Den followed by an underwhelming effort against The Tiges.  They’re up in The Alice next Sunday against The Unpredictable Demons.  Four losses on the trot at this stage would just about wipe out any thoughts of a September Appearance.  The Tigers toughed it out against – despite the previous comments re Port’s performance – some solid, albeit inaccurate, opposition for the second week in a row.  The heartening thing for TLSPRF was that The Tiges stood up when the match was there to be won.  Held scoreless in the Championship Quarter, they defended their 4-goal Half Time lead ferociously, and with a good deal of help from some Port Adelaide kicking ineptitude, both around the ground and in front of goal, turned for home 13 points to the good.  That they were able to go on with it against a Die Hard Outfit like The Tealers is a healthy sign that maybe the lapses in concentration with which they’ve been plagued in recent times were behind them.  They have The Dreamtime Game next Saturday night.  Apart from playing an exhibition game against a relegated Peptide Outfit in 2013, it seems an eternity since they beat them in open combat.  (Last week they beat Carringbush for the first time in nine attempts – Ed)  Richmond FC, your season starts now.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

Please note: the Wrapcave will be closed over Round IX while a new computer system is installed.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Thanks for your comprehensive 8 match report Mr Wrap. Did you omit one out of kindness to St Yvette or cruelty to the Avenging Eagle?
    Must have lost it when the Wrao-puter crashed.
    On other matters what’s with those Dogs? They seem to save their best for the best and their worst for the worst. I would have tipped the sweep if the toothless canines had remembered their dentures.
    I guess that’s why the bookies drive Mercs, and the punters drive 120Y’s.
    Cats, Kangas and Syringes in the next 3 weeks will tell if my Weagles are top of the middle; bottom of the middle; or middle of the middle. Either way its a lot better than I was expecting. Cheers.

  2. Tony Robb says

    Well wrapped Wrap

  3. Great work Wrapster. It seems that the Haughty Hawks did not peak too soon after all (refer back to commentary after round 1 where the flag was all but nailed up at Glenferrie Road so long as the players remained infallible).

    The Cats can only beat (up) who they put in front of us. It was like shooting elephants in the kitchen sink. Next week we head across to the dunes of the great red sand to give the Eagles a touch up.

  4. The Wrap says

    Sorry about that Avenging Eagle & Yvette. Can’t imagine how it happened. My dotage must be catching up with me at last. (Sorry Mr B, I can’t keep an eye on him 24/7 Ed)

    Thanks for the kind words Tony. You too Dips.

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