Round 8 – Melbourne v Sydney (and lots of other observations): Barry Gibb plays for Sydney

 

It’s uncanny. Totally. Sydney has Barry Gibb playing in the ruck! It takes getting used to. I watch him and wonder if he whispers Staying Alive to his opponents.

 

Tom Papley looks like a smartarse. God, I love him! He’s just what the game’s after. A forward pocket we love to hate. A little McEnroe. Put some salt and dead horse on that massive chip on your shoulder!

 

Isaac Heeney looks like he should be surfing. Or one of the background characters in Puberty Blues, or something. He and Sydney suit each other.

 

Buddy Franklin sort of looks a little like BUDDY FRANKLIN! The one charging down the wing away from Cale Hooker.

 

Luke Parker looks like Deadpool. Totally. Without the humour.

 

Simon Minton-Connell used to look exactly like Matt Dillon – and for all I know, still does.

 

Horse looks like he has a piss-poor temper.

 

Christian Petracca looks like a wog. How good is that! It makes it so easy for the Catoggios and Mario Milanos and Zurbos to see ourselves out there! He’s this generation’s Paul Puopolo. Who was his generation’s Kourkoumelis, and so on. What happened? Carlton once had a whole team of us!

 

I wish there were more Petraccas.

 

Jake Lever looks both like this generation’s Zac Dawson, and Emmett Dunn, who I guess, was the 80s generation’s Zac Dawson. Shave off that mo, mate, or yell “Ello,, ello, ello, what’s all this then?” when leading.

 

NATHAN JONES LOOKS HARD! And would even without the pretty pictures. I can picture him and Joel Selwood in the WW1 trenches, sharing an expressionless joke together before going over.

 

Michael Hibberd looks very much like Adam Dobson. Most of you don’t know Adam – I played reserves footy with him back in rural Tasmania – but it’s scary! Onya Dobo! Every time he gets a touch I think of yas!

 

Max Gawn looks like a character… who has character.

 

Bayley Fritsch looks like every boy band ever! Stop touching your hair so much, dude, it’s embarrassing.

 

Ben Brown looks like Matty Richardson. Same frame, likeability, courage in packs, shit kicking.

 

James Harmes looks nothing like Wayne Harmes.

 

Cameron Guthrie IS Tim Minchin!! He just is. Geez, you were good in Califorication! Every time you get the pill I think of that Ginger song, bare feet and pianos.

 

Jeremy Cameron looks like an office worker who binges on cocaine occasionally. Tom Hawkins will always look like somebody stuck a Ken doll head on Arnie. Esava Ratugolea has the best name in AFL footy. Zach Tuohy looks like a likeable shag carpet. Jack Henry (what a player!!) looks like his head is just that bit too small for his body. Once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it.

 

When Luke Dahlhaus was at Footscray he looked just like Johnny Depp. Now he looks like a character actor from the 1930s, or a pre-shrunk Clark Gable.

 

Toby Nankervis is looking All Australian. Nick Vlastuin looks like the dancing Viking – look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about. I DARE you! It’s hilarious! Shane Edwards looks like the single most likeable person I’ve never actually met. Shai Bolton is starting to look a lot like Dusty – without the pretty pictures. They have the same strut, and match winning abilities. Cotchin looks like a sledgehammer couldn’t break that Richie Cunningham hairdo. Every time he plays well Ned Flanders sighs contently. Tom Lynch and Mason Cox look like they couldn’t chase a defender to save themselves. And the defenders know it.

 

Footscray look like the next generation of that bush footy club you return to. The one with all your old teammate’s sons in it. Bailey doesn’t look anywhere near as likeable as Rohan, even if he runs just like him.

 

Adam Treloar looks much better in a Footscray jumper.

 

Tex is, surely, in a porn movie! Or borrowed his mo from one, or something.

 

The Suns look like 18 energy drink bottles.

 

Eric Hipwood and Joe Daniher look like your typical modern football forwards. As if somebody stretched out a player from the 70s.

 

Mitch Robinson looks like he should be in a British pub speaking cockney before head-butting you. De Goey looks like a soccer hooligan. I’m sure I saw him in a riot outside Liverpool v Tottenham! He also looks a million dollars… then doesn’t. It must be frustrating.

 

Nathan Buckley looks like Easter Island. All of it. Every statue.

 

Brody Grundy looks like a café late. Steel Sidebottom has the most appropriate first name ever.

 

Scott Pendlebury looks like times slows down for him.

 

Charlie Dixon looks like thug from a suburban league. He makes all the players around him look like they went to a private school. Hamish Hartlett has a silly name. But he looks like he should steal Scott Lysett’s mo… 1. To do Scott a favour. 2. To make Richmond supporters weep with fond memories of Bones McGhie and the 70s! Hamish also looks like his head is a little too small for his body.

 

And has pretty pictures.

 

One day they should line up all the AFL players with sleeves and make a wall mural. For charity, or something.

 

Shane Mumford looks like he’s slowing down – and he wasn’t quick to begin with! Toby Greene looks so punchable! That’s why I love him. Again, it’s the McEnroe theory. His footy is what matters, and that looks like something close to Heaven.

 

Zac Jones looks like he WANTS to be a soccer hooligan. Dan Butler looks like a mullet with football ability. James Frawley looks like a defender. That’s it. Football, shopping, driving – in everything. A. Defender. He’d tag people at rock concerts.

 

Magicians look like Eddie Betts. Have you seen what he can do with a football?

 

Beyond that, I don’t watch Carlton.

 

Fremantle look like a peach bruise.

 

Fremantle look like a bunch of blokes I’ve never heard of, plus Nat Fyfe. Or Nat Fyfe carrying a bunch of blokes I’ve never heard of.

 

Nat Fyfe is a champion! He can do anything.

 

Alex Pearce looks like Russell Brand.

 

Cale Hooker looks like he’s still trying to forget Buddy Franklin. Anthony McDonald-Tipungwati looks like a pocket Predator. And hunts like him. Brandon Zerk-Thatcher has the worst name in AFL football. Irving Mosquito has the second best name in AFL football. He looks insanely happy when he kicks a goal! What’s not to like about him!

 

Jack Gunston looks like everybody and nobody. Ben McEoy looks like a glorious dinosaur when he plays. Especially when his head is all bandaged. James Sicily looks as white as Conan O’Brien. Chad Wingard looks very, very serious!

 

I don’t know anybody from North Melbourne.

 

No, seriously. I don’t.

 

Okay, Goldie always looks like his head is about to explode! Whatta trouper! He and Cunnington deserve better.  Ben looks like that gristly uncle you’re still a little scared of.

 

Andy Lee and Ang Christou were separated at birth. Dane Rampe is this generation’s Ang Christou – something different, something interesting, but no less hard for it.

 

Every generation needs one. Every generation needs several.

 

Andrew Raines ran EXACTLY like his father. Chris Langford WAS Superman.

 

No matter how old or frail he gets, Kevin Bulldog Murray will always look like Kevin Bulldog Murray!

 

And the world shall always be a better place for it.

 

 

 

The Tigers (Covid) Almanac 2020 will be published in 2021. It will have all the usual features – a game by game account of the Tigers season – and will also include some of the best Almanac writing from the Covid winter.  Pre-order HERE

 

 

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