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Round 5 – Sydney v GWS: Did I just hear John Longmire yelp?

Did I just hear John Longmire yelp?


Sydney v GWS

7:25 pm, Saturday, 22 April 2017

The G Minor, Sydney


Dan Hansen                                                                           


One of my wife’s closest friends Cass was coming down from the Hunter Valley and consequently my day was planned. Not that I minded as the plans were quite well received.  Firstly, I was to go to a Paw Patrol show at Darling Harbour with my twenty-month-old son, Cass’s husband Luke and their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter Izzy. After which we were to pick up Cass’s French cousin Jeremy, who had only been in the country for a week, and take him to the Swans v Giants local derby.


The Paw Patrol show was just what I expected from my first children’s show in over forty years. For the uninitiated, Paw Patrol is a TV show which could only come from Canada. Everyone is sickly nice and no-one says anything offensive … ever. It is sort of a cross between Thunderbirds and the A-Team but instead of the heroes being puppets or people, they are puppies. The six puppies are led by an overly moralistic teen called Ryder brilliantly played by the Portuguese actor and part-time soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo. The young hounds manage to rescue baby turtles and drowned statues using multi-million dollar machinery which puts International Rescue to shame. In the show the pantomime villains shot themselves in the foot and the good guys won. Izzy loved it, Dexter loved it and Luke and I loved the fact that Izzy and Dexter loved it.


We picked up Jeremy from Kensington and took him to the G Minor. On the way there we started explaining the rules of the game and the players. I mentioned the game is played a little bit in France and one of the Swans best players was from his homeland. We told him to keep his eye out for a player called Lance Francois, who goes by the nickname Buddy. He was intrigued.


The SCG had its customary thirty thousand people turn up five minutes before the opening bounce and as usual Luke and Jeremy had to go through a different gate to myself. Even though I was in a different area I arrived at the seats first. The pre-match last post was stirring and I had hoped Jeremy would have been at the seat so I could explain the tribute. Unfortunately, the other two didn’t get to the seats until about five minutes into the game. By then the game was over as the Swans came out fired up and kicked the first four goals in just as many minutes. It looked like the Swans were going to give the young upstarts another lesson. However, GWS responded on the double and began to dig in. At about this stage Nick Haynes cleared the ball deep in defence. Jeremy turned to me and asked, “Is it a female?” and I replied, “No but he’s one of the two man buns”. I then explained the obscure rule whereby each team is allowed two players who can wear man buns and the opposition is not allowed to tackle them. Jeremy looked confused and I responded with, “Yes, it’s usually the same two players every week”.


Usually being four goals behind early in the first quarter the task of leading at the first break is too huge. However, no job is too big and no GWS player is too small. Somehow GWS kicked five unanswered goals and went into the quarter time break with a comfortable ten-point lead. Every time Buddy got the ball I yelled out “La Magnifique” and Jeremy would invariably ask, “He is French?”. “Oui”, I would reply. GWS kicked the only four goals in the second quarter to make the game a real fizzer. The crowd were getting restless.


After half time the Swans managed to kick the first two goals and this briefly sparked the game back to life. This was short lived as after those goals GWS went on a roll. Mumford seemed to decide he was going to take game by the scruff of the neck and Jeremy Cameron and Toby Greene started to run amok up forward. With Mumford on the case, Cameron taking to the sky and Greene on the go the Swans were quickly snuffed out.


The last quarter was spent drinking beer, talking about the French presidential elections and watching “huit cent objectifs” appear on the scoreboard after Buddy Francois kicked a goal. The game was extremely lopsided and if not for the four goals early in the first quarter and the two rallying goals early in the third quarter GWS had outscored the Swans by fifteen goals to three. The final siren sounded and the GWS club song came on and Jeremy asked me “What is this I am hearing?”. I replied with “Oh that noise. It’s a yelp for help coming from the Swans coach’s box”. “No, the music”, he replied. I told him the GWS coach is from Kazakhstan and they were playing his favourite song. With that we trudged off to have a few more beers.




SYDNEY    4.1   4.4      8.7       9.9     (63)

GWS         5.5   9.6   11.11   15.15 (105)



Sydney: Francois 3, Tippett, J. Kennedy, Papley, Rohan, Sinclair, Parker

GWS: Greene 4, Cameron 2, Smith 2, Patton, Lobb, Johnson, Ward, Tomlinson, Williams, S.Reid



Sydney: Hannebery, Jones, Kennedy, Lloyd, Mills, Reid

GWS: Cameron, Mumford, Greene, Scully, Shaw, Ward


Umpires: Deboy, Meredith, Ryan   Crowd: 34,824


OUR VOTES   3 Jeremy Cameron (GWS), 2 Shane Mumford (GWS), 1 Toby Greene (GWS)



  1. Charlie Brown says

    Tres bon Dan (or something like that).

  2. Danny v v funny pure gold and knowing you well I am pissing myself laughing as you would have had,Jeremy believing every word.Can you get UFO sightings in to a future match report ?

  3. Earl O'Neill says

    Bloody beauty, Dan.

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