Round 4 – Collingwood v Melbourne: Collingwood, what the…?

Collingwood, what the f*ck?!

Excuse my French guys but there really isn’t any other way to express my feels.

Half time, sitting front row, bottom level on par with the fifty metre line I was witness to what may possibly happen to my future daughter. Two little Demons and one little Magpie all aged around six had raced away from their parents and planted themselves right next to me for a closer look at the Auskick kids. That’s when the following conversation took place.

Girl demon to girl magpie: “Do you know the words to the Collingwood song?”

Boy demon: “I do! Good old Collingwood forever, they don’t know how to play the game!”

Without a word in response the shy little magpie went red and looked down at her shoes, her little blonde pigtails tied up with black and white ribbon draping over the number 10 painted on her cheeks. It wasn’t so much the teasing that broke my heart; hell if we were ten points down and they said it I wouldn’t have even blinked, but this was different…because there was truth in the jeering, the kid was right, we don’t know how to play the game…well not anymore.

I myself did everything I could. We drove with scarves out the window. I sat in seat 1 for Fasolo, hell I even waited for cubicle 1 to be free in the ladies when I was busting to pee and there were at least 16 free cubicles. But nothing and I mean no amount of fangirl voodoo/superstition techniques was going to stop the Dees.

It’s funny how when you’re at the game, you actually see how much worse your team can play. No matter how loud or how many times I yelled “MAN UPPPP!!! STAYYYY-ON-YOUR-MAN-PIES!” or “CHASSSSSEEEE! TACKLES FOR GODS SAKE TACKKLEEEE!!!!!” –








You know a backline? Like defence? Yeah that WE DON’T HAVE ANY – literally.

But when you see it happen in front of you, that’s when you know it’s the reality and you pretty much go back and forth between looking like that painting by Edvard Munch, ‘The Scream’ to thinking it’s TOTALLLLLY worth paying $8,500 (or whatever it is) to run onto the ground just so you can bang your head continuously into a goal post until you lose consciousness so you can get away from the sheer hell you are witnessing.

Yeah I’ve seen us play bad footy, but that day I saw us play absolutely embarrassing footy. I can’t actually remember us playing this badly, ever.

We have no proper forward targets, we can’t even hit targets.

We have no defenders, not one player showed consistent defensive form.

We got smashed in the midfield… hey Collingwood, I think this week in training we should research what a clearance is and learn how to fooking get one.

When I have to lose my voice and my sh*t for a whole bloody game YELLING:









to a FOOTball team…you know it’s bad.

Leave the Handballing to a team like Hawthorn who actually have speed and skill to pull off a chain of handballs without causing the mother of all turn overs every-fooking-time.

Zero passion, zero skill, zero team work but 100% disappointment.

When the siren sounded and the boys were floating near, shaking hands with the Melbourne boys, I used what was left of my voice to let them know exactly what I thought. I wasn’t prepared to stand there and clap them off the ground, wave or tell them it was okay, we’d get up next week. I’d cracked it. The flames were eating up my heart and at the same time I felt like I wanted to throw up. My thoughts were already preparing me for the rest of the season. Technically it had only started but for us it’s already over.

Instead I stood, clapped and smiled at the Dees who were hi-fiving the Melbourne supporters around us. Ok I lie…I even hi-fived them…ok I lie again I even yelled out support because seriously Melbourne came out to play and they put on a hell of a show, good on em!

As for my boys, there’s something very wrong happening at Collingwood. Whether it’s the coach, the players or the game plan something needs to be done and fast.

But until then I’ll go about my day and catch myself shaking my head, replaying horror errors and thinking about my future daughter in black and white ribbon pig tails copping it, which takes me back to:

Collingwood, what the f*ck.

About Danielle Eid

Im 23, cute and most importantly im the Collingwood Football Club's very own PRINCESS!! :) A Latrobe Uni graduate from Bachelor of Journalism. Admirer of Samantha Lane and Jon Ralph. Not your typical 'Robot Journalist' Loves Alex Fasolo


  1. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    WTF ? Indeed Danni. Not many LOL’S, ROFL’S, or happy emojis at Pieland right now. You cracked it, I cracked it, the club is cracking and the players aren’t having a crack. They have to get cracking because we can no longer paper over the cracks.

  2. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Anyone fooled (like me) about their pre-season form was probably on crack.

  3. Phil- omg…just omg
    My only highlight was watching fasyboy in-between the madness.

    Mark- ill tell you what i tell everyone. I refuse to watch preseason footy bc its all wellll… bullsh*t. Learn from me lol

  4. omg omg omg don’t forget the season is only 4 weeks old lol.

  5. Says the Geelong supporter…lol four weeks is a long footy Dips…a long wasted time

  6. Luke Reynolds says

    What the f*ck indeed, Collingwood.
    Fantastically written, Danni, laughed out loud at the toilet cubicle line!
    Hoping for a drastic turnaround this week. A few more performances like his game against Richmond from your man Fasyboy would be nice too….

  7. I was so glad I spared my offspring the horror of that performance, albeit they’re at an age and disposition where they’re able to move on pretty quickly.

    If I was Bucks I’d probably write ‘Collingwood, what the f*ck’ on the white board after the game and make the boys sit there an contemplate it for an hour or two.

    Collingwood, what the f*ck indeed.

  8. Frank Cheeseman says

    Nice piece Danielle, pretty well nailed it.
    Got a 15 month old grandson all decked out. Hope that when he gets to school age they can be something near 2010 form.
    Probably would have a new coach and staff by then………..
    Got my fingers and toes crossed.
    Lovely prose on a depressing start to a season, well done.

  9. The things we do for love Luke…turns out holding it in until the right cubicle is free is one of them. I should sue lol :p

    JD i like the way you think. Yes its a simple reflection message but it says a lot really. Id write it in huge letters through oh even better id screen it on a powerpoint with the lights out and have it pop up and linger for a minute after every error they watch back on the screen.

    Thanks Frank :)
    Do your grandson a favor. Kids are never too young, just plonk him in front of the 2010 replay DVD, that way the poor kid can see what really footy looks like

  10. Aww faz superstitions omg

  11. Dave Nadel says

    And just to make us all feel worse, Danni, did you notice that there was one player on the ground who played in the 2010 Grand Final who played well on Sunday? His name used to be Harry O’Brien and he now plays for Melbourne. WTF!

  12. Haha yup Laura…love me some fasyboy

    Omg Dave…dont even…ugh

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