Round 23 – The Wrap


Where Life imitates Football

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. 

Yer Could’er Knocked Me Down Wiv Arf A Brick Department.



Friday night’s Claytons Contest to see who could avoid playing Adelaide in Adelaide next weekend was a draw; neither side goes to Adelaide. In fact they play each other again next weekend. It’s a home game for Richmond because this time they play at the MCG and better still, the Kowardly Kangaroos will Come Out To play With their senior side.

Saturday was a day that should have cause the CEO of the Appalling Football League some concern. Adelaide went down to The Moggies and Brisbane beat The Doggies. Who would have thought ….. But when a side that wasn’t even in the Eight monstered The Minor Premiers – who had only been beaten four times this year – you’d have to say someone should be showing some real concern.   Hawthorn’s demolition job on The Miseries and Sydney’s dismantling of The Metricon Marvels were of no concern to anyone, although you’d think someone at Jellymont House would be concerned that one of The Competition’s biggest draw cards was a basket case and the millions they’ve poured into promoting the game up in God’s Waiting Room have been a reckless squandered.

Bart Cummings has given us so much. He was a giant amongst men. He was what Bradman was to batting and Walter Lindrum was to billiards. (And Ned Kelly was to bushranging – Ed) Let’s let his wins speak to his greatness as a trainer.

Melbourne Cups                  12

Caulfield Cups                      9

Cox Plate                               5

Golden Slipper Stakes         4

Australian Cups                   13

Newmarket Handicaps       8

Doncaster Handicaps          5

Caulfield Guineas                 5

Derbies                                  32

Oaks                                       24

His record speaks for his greatness as a trainer. As a humble man of humble beginnings he stands out. I still love what I do and I’ve done OK over the years. You’re a long time retired and anyway, I’d get bored.   As a person of infinite wisdom he has no peer. When told by a health inspector that he had a lot of flies around his stables he asked in all sincerity How many am I supposed to have? His passing closes an era and we’re all the poorer for it.

We’ve had some more suggestions for Gillon of The Cuff & Collar Push. If he really cared for the comfort and well being of the patrons – as he ceaselessly professes, – he could use some of Prince Rupert’s thirty pieces of silver to retrench those inane ground announcers at The Docklands Dome. And sack the bracered & bowtied ponytail in marketing that suggested it – in the name of crowd involvement and value adding – in the first place. The crowd aren’t involved. They want to talk about the week that was and the match, not listen to a couple of twits blaring meaninglessness crap at them. Who ever thought watching two footballers trying to kick a football into a barrel set 50m away could hold the attention of anyone other than a group of sociology students who have arrived from Mars on the last space shuttle should be sent to Mars on the return flight. And as for value adding, it makes a trip to The Dumb an excruciating outing. (More excruciating than it already is – Ed) which would have rate as value detracting. This is not the first time this matter has been raised. It’s a common theme from anyone who has had to undergo the torture. But does anyone at Jellymont House listen? (Be reassured Wrap; if they did, they’d be very concerned – Ed)

There’s been a lot of talk about Hodgey being picked up by the breathalyser squad. It’s a bad look from several aspects. It tarnishes the Family Club image. It sends a wrong message to the community. And with September Glory beckoning, it sends a wrong message to his teammates. (You talking the body temple and all that Wrap? – Ed) We might be over reacting, but are we alone in feeling that the Hawthorn Captain & Spiritual Leader is having trouble coping with some of the things around him. There’s been a few spontaneous instances of physicality through the year, two of which have earned him a holiday, and now this irresponsibility. We’ll tell you what, another senior figure at Hawthorn, also noted for his spontaneity, won’t be happy Jan.

Can we please get over the resting of players before The Finals? There’s dead rubbers all year. Playing any of the Cellar Dwellers can be a Danger Game, but mostly they’re just percentage builders. And as dead as any rubber on the end of your school pencil. If coaches want to muck around with winning form and the team has earned an impregnable Final Eight Position, good luck to them. But don’t let that stop supporters of “un-resting” sides from giving it to the supporters of those who are resting players for The Finals. And let’s not get hung up on it. We’d all do it given the chance and the circumstances. (So it’s OK to tank at the top but tanking for a front row seat at the draft table is a no-no Wrap? Just as long as we’ve got that straight – Ed) We’ve had this discussion before Oh Titanic Tinkerer of Text. What have you got against hypocrisy? It makes the world go round.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s footloose & fancy free after Round XXIII.

Struggletown v The Soupboners. The result was as expected. The process wasn’t. A 6-goal first half under cover demonstrated the enthusiasm with which both sides approached the contest. It could have been played out on one of those reality football games on a computer between opposing Cheer Squads. The Striped Marvels fluffed around and fluffed around, and when North kicked the first goal of the second half they were nearly three goals down. But they were always going to win; that was the script. Three goals in as many minutes stamped their authority on the contest. They went on to kick 14-5 to 6-2 to close off their Home & Away Season. The Shinboners rough stuff, as predicted by Hungry & Rooting Roo, didn’t eventuate, in fact North were the ones who suffered the most from the physicality. Tuner & Ziebel both copped head knocks. Turners was particularly sickening as he lay motionless, surrounded by medical staff for several minutes. The irony is that they will have to do it all over again next week. The Shinboners after a break in the continuity of their season. The Tiges after a handy hitout. And haven’t the selectors at Arden Street given themselves a selection dilemma? Majak Daw turned on an impressive rucking display and kicked 20% of North’s goals. Toddy Goldstein might be struggling to get back into that Kangaroo side.


The Greatest Team of All v The Mighty Adelaide Crows. The Moggies once more proved that it takes more to kill a Cat than putting it in a bag with a brick and chucking it off the end the Eastern Beach Pier. They also showed how they send off retiring champions. They jumped The Free Settlers at the bounce and withstood a Championship Quarter Challenge to run out comfortable winners. They’ve give The Flat Town Faithful some hope and send The Mighty Adelaide Crows home with something to think about. The Pride of South Australia have The Doggies next Saturday night on The G.

The Boys From Old Fitzroy v The Sons of The West. Not sure what they put in the water bowl up there under the palms, but it sure did the job on The Doggies as they became the third September Contestant and the second favourite to go down in this Round of Concern. It gives The Maroons something to take with them into 2016 and The Scrays something to think about next weekend when the take on The Pride of South Australia, also OTR, at THOF on Saturday night.

The Power From Port v Flaky Freo. The only real winners from this non-event were those smart punters who anticipated that Rossy Lyon would rest half his side and caught The Bookies with their bags open. The Stevedores host The Bloods on Saturday Arvo. The Power drift back to Alberton to contemplate The Season That Could Have Been.

The Mayblooms v The Miseries. The Mayblooms prepare themselves for the challenge of facing The Warming Premiership Favourites on their home turf on Friday night. Down at Visy Park they pack the Blue Witches Hats away till next season.

The Bloods v The Gold Coast Suns. The Bloods are off to Perth. Boarders to bed; Visitors to buggery. We’ll do the dishes and put the bottles out in the morning.

The Wedgies v The Feeling Faints. No finessing here Wrappers. This was an emphatic statement. And for those who cashed out of the bourse and sold the polo ponies before the crash here’s the best bet going around. Never mind injuries. They can manage that. Two Home Finals and straight into TFSIO.

The Redlags v The Jolly Orange Giants. Eight thousand, nine hundred & seventy four turned up for this one. You could hear the peanut vendor walking the boundary line. It was s free flowing contest with the result still up for grabs at the Long Interval. In the Championship Quarter it was The Dees who made the running as they piled on 6-4 to 2-3. It’s been a long season for both clubs. There were healthy signs for 2016. Jeremy Howe and Jesse Hogan are regular excitement machines but it takes more than a few speckies to pull the fans through the turnstiles. Jack Viney and Bernie Vince are a pair of guns and Nathan Jones is Captain Courageous. Adam Treloar is a star as well, and it’s easy to see why his services are so highly sought. . And while we’re talking about the Treloar situation, let’s put it on the table. This free agency is going to turn The Competition on its head. Or rather, it’s going not going to crate the social mobility the draft system was supposed to deliver. What is it, 7 or 8 years and the 17-year old recruit the Club has nurtured to a 25-year old gun and The Long Suffering Faithful have adopted as a Favourite Son is seeking fame & glory with a top side? (You forgot to mention the $$$$$ with which he’s been enticed Wrap – Ed) That too Wonder Wordsmith. And naturally we hope he chooses Punt Road’s offer. The day also saw the retirement of one of The Competition’s longest serving Veterans. A Loyal Servant & Favourite Son at Whitten Oval (210 games) and a Loyal Servant at Melbourne (39 games) he has hung up the Pumas. You’ve earned your rest Daniel.

The Mighty Magpies v The Team That Never Was. What this one lacked in skills it made up for in excitement. The skill errors made for excruciating viewing at times, and that included the Men in Powder Blue. But hey, it was cold out there and fingers and minds would have been numb. First it was the Woodsmen who gained the ascendency, then The Dons, but there was never more than three goals in it. The Final Stanza was a bottler as Essendon, showing all the courage and commitment worthy of The Red&Black grabbed the lead in the dying minutes of the 2015 Toyota AFL Home & Away Season. This was not the way Collingwood wanted to exit the season. The pain of the loss was written across the face of the Coach & the President. In the opposing trenches, it gave The Beleaguered Bombers just the fillip it needed to lower the curtain on the most sorrowful period in the club’s glorious history.

And so it’s mothballs for some Wrappers, and onwards and upwards for The Eight chosen by the Football Gods to contest the Holy Grail.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Wonderful wrap Wrapster. Looking forward to the Hawks exiting in straight sets, then the Spring Carnival. Got a big September coming up. More functions than a maths teacher.

  2. Peter Flynn says

    Not bad Dips.

    Thanks for wrapping again Wrap.

  3. Another great year of Wrapping
    Thanks John

  4. It ain’t over yet Tony. There’s a Richmond Premiership to celebrate yet.

    And we may just make your dream come true on the way through Dips. What is it with you Sleepy Hollow Folk. What have you got against The Family Club?

Leave a Comment