Round 2 – Gold Coast v West Coast: “And it goes to a Gold Coast player…”




Gold Coast v West Coast

(Metricon Stadium)

Matt Quartermaine



A long break from football meant I tuned into Channel  7 on Thursday and Friday with curiosity and trepidation as with most things happening in the world. I lasted about a minute as I was aurally assaulted by BT and Lingy, then Brayshaw and Lingy and Darcy and Lingy and Lingy… I’d had a lovely break without these mental midgets attempting to ramp a game beyond its reality into a self-congratulatory frenzy as they endlessly pulled each other off in what they laughingly call a commentary box (box… snicker).


I follow the West Coast Eagles, so naturally I can’t watch my team in Melbourne unless I go watch at the pub (which is closed) or pay for  the 100 year old human scrote’s cable channel. So Friday night I took a seat on the back verandah with a lager, a relaxing smoke and the radio. I started with Perth’s radio 6PR as the commentators described the player tackling Sheed as “a Gold Coast player”. I gave up pretty quickly because if I kept listening all I’d hear would be “the Gold Coast player shrugs off Nic Nat’s tackle, handballs it to another Gold Coast player who side steps McGovern and snaps a goal.”


I ended up on SEN or AFL Nation as it’s called where products are not so much placed as inserted into every orifice of the call. It was enough to inspire me to satire if I hadn’t done it nearly 30 years ago with my mate Parko:





The commentators were barracking for the underdog and who could blame them when the Gold Coast haven’t won a game in 14 months? At first I worried the 90% humidity might affect the tender dry-heat-loving West Coast boys, but they didn’t get the chance to tire as the Gold Coast Suns’ younger players hard tackling and adventurous footy wasn’t giving the Eagles a chance to start. It really wasn’t the Eagles night as they fumbled and missed more goals than a Morrison economic relief package. The game was a constant stream of unknown Gold Coast players names feeding off to other unknown Gold Coast players. Every time a West Coast player’s name was mentioned it was followed by the descriptors shanked, shocker, missed, awful, terrible, appalling and tragic. The Eagles kicked into the man more times than a cop at a peaceful demonstration.


One young player’s name that kept cropping up all night was Matty Rowell, who trounced the much lauded eagles midfield and added some goals. Of course the Gold Coast had the advantage as they were used to playing to empty stands and the Eagles missed their hometown boos. Everything was indeed coming up sunny for the Gold Coast. The Suns powered home for a big win and the West Coast players were left to ponder phrases like “soul-searching” and “soft”.



GOLD COAST                        2.0   6.2   11.4    14.6    (90)

WEST COAST                        1.4   5.5    6.8      6.10   (46)




3     Matty Rowell

2     a Gold Coast player

1     another Gold Coast player



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  1. First time I’ve laughed for 36 hours. Eagles sponsored by Handy Ultra paper towels – fall apart when wet.

  2. Excellent job, Matty Q.
    That radio call sounds very much like the old 3GL, except they would not even mention an opposition player, only their Geelong heroes.

    Indeed that Empty Pockets skit was prescient.

  3. John Butler says

    At least you can hit a target Matty, unlike your team.

    I can’t tell you how excited I was to hear that Lingy had scored another Friday arvo gig on 774. Because there’s just not enough Lingy in our lives.Adventurous programming.

    The difficulty with satire these days is that reality seems in a rush to run it over with a bus. If Hutchy listens to your old game call, he just may lament that he’s been a bit bashful on the sponsor front. Lost opportunities.

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