Round 18 – Collingwood v West Coast: Twin Peaks



If you’re struggling to get your head around the new season of Twin Peaks and all its weekly digressions and complexities, try spending a season in the Black and White lodge. The latest episode was a doozy…


I’ll see you again in 25 years.

Well, you’d reckon 25 years a conservative estimate not so long ago, and a river of tears has passed under the bridge. After just 5, one could be mistaken for thinking they’d entered the Red Room seeing Eddie and Salty Malty camped next to each other engaged in backwards speak. Hang on, was that really Mick? Or just a doppelganger?


Fact is stranger than friction, and with ‘Ed Wood’ McGuire back directing the dead-as-a-dodo Footy Show it’s not beyond the realms of Lynchian fantasy-drama that Mick was being courted for the boss of football role he forsooked (sic) when Bucks was gifted his gig in 2012. Or was it political posturing by the besieged president, conveying an impression the whole succession thing wasn’t a debacle after all?



Collingwood began the game in reasonable fashion, and but for a late lapse, would have ended the first episode ahead in the ratings. In an unlikely storyline, Josh Thomas is beginning to look like the Magpies’ best recruit (bar Daniel Wells and his odd cameo appearances).


It is happening again

Inaccuracy in front of goal has been Collingwood’s curse all year and the game ran to script, highlighted by an inexplicable early miss by Hoskin-Elliott, whereas West Coast slotted majors from all parts of the turf.


Cloke’s absence touches me in ways I could not predict

After weeks of transcendental meditation with their spirit guides, the agents came to the conclusion that casting Darcy Moore as Buddy Franklin or Wayne Carey is neither realistic, workable or sustainable, and at least one more tall in support is advisable if winning football matches is still a KPI at Collingwood Productions.

It must be said, there’s not exactly a forest of Douglas fir trees on the set. Mason Cox would present an ominous threat if only he could better impose his imposing frame and stayed closer to goal. The clock is ticking on that experiment. Whilst Ben Reid is the safer bet, his body is as flaky as Jerry Horne.  And poor Jesse White is like Agent Cooper trapped in Dougie Jones’ body.

So when Moore got crunched in a pack in the second quarter it was a good thing Jarryd Blair was on hand to step up to Centre Half Midget.


There are things in life that exist yet our eyes cannot see them

– Why Scharenberg, after another assured 20+ possession game, was dropped again (a blue rose case for FBI Deputy Director Gordon Cole)?

– Jarryd Blair?

– What constitutes deliberate out of bounds?

– What constitutes prior opportunity and holding the ball?


Wow. BUCKS. Wow.

Goldsack on Kennedy

Langdon on Darling

Dunn on… I dunno

After six goals Nathan Buckley finally accepted the bleeding obvious – Tyson Goldsack was simply not strong enough or big enough to compete with Josh Kennedy. Why Lynden Dunn was not sent to the Eagles’ spearhead an hour earlier is a mystery perhaps only the Log Lady could explain.

On the plus side of Buckley’s ledger, assigning Greenwood the task of nullifying Gaff was a pivotal one.


This must be where the Pies go when they die

Etihad Stadium. Sunday 3.20pm. Rain belting down in transit between the high rise apartments. A crowd numbering almost 23,000 actually wasn’t too bad, all things considered.


The Magpies are not what they seem

To all intents, Collingwood seems to be a pretty average unit. And they are. But… only in a couple games have the Pies not been in the contest and with a percentage of 96 and a greatest losing margin of 37 points, a competent football department would probably have the Magpies sitting somewhere closer to 6-8th.


Gotta Light?

Whilst the omnipresent Treloar found the dash and disposal he’d been lacking recently, Jordan De Goey was the spark which ignited the Woodsmen’s resurgence in the third term, and which burned the Toast in a sneaky plot twist. Notwithstanding, Collingwood held their own in general play.  Alas, 16 points ahead entering time on the Eagles appeared to have the game wrapped in plastic, despite Yeo missing an easy clue that would have buried the case.


For a little man Elliott kicks the ball a long way and his angled strike from the arc to put the Magpies ahead elicited the kind of roar familiar to the alternate reality where Collingwood fills the stadium. Then, with a cinematic flourish, Fasolo was faced with the option of boldly taking a shot with 40 seconds remaining or passing to maintain possession and run down the clock. Opting against an anti climax, Fas nailed his line perfectly.


In the end it was damn good footy.


COLLINGWOOD          3.4       5.6       8.11     13.15 (93)
WEST COAST                4.2       7.3       12.5      13.7 (85)


Collingwood: De Goey 4, Elliott 3, Reid 2, Fasolo, Greenwood, Hoskin-Elliott, Adams
West Coast: Kennedy 6, Cripps 2, Darling 2, Yeo, Shuey, Vardy

Collingwood: De Goey, Treloar, Howe, Crisp, Grundy, Adams, Greenwood
West Coast: Kennedy, Sheed, Hurn, Yeo, McGovern, Shuey

Umpires: Stevic, Deboy, Harris
Official crowd: 22,927 at Etihad Stadium
Malarkey Medal: De Goey 3, Treloar 2, Kennedy 1


@Jeff Dowsing

About Jeff Dowsing

Washed up former Inside Sport and Sunday Age Sport freelancer. Now just giving my stuff away to good homes. Not to worry, still have my health and day job. Published & unpublished works fester on my blog Write Line Fever.


  1. Joe De Petro says

    The world needs to see more of that dancing dwarf.

  2. Dave Nadel says

    To be fair to Bucks and the Collingwood selection panel, Collingwood’s shortage of key position players at either end of the ground is made worse by the failure of Lachie Keeffe to replicate his pre-suspension form. Before he and his mate Josh Thomas decided to blow two years of their football career, Lachie was looking good both at Centre Half Back and (occasionally) Centre Half Forward. The Pies’ brains trust obviously had this in mind when they promoted him off the rookie list as soon as he had served his suspension. Unfortunately he has not shown form that would allow him to be selected ahead of Cox or White or at the other end Schade or Goldsack or even at times Langdon. Indeed not fielding a true CHF or CHB has been a preferable option to Keeffe. We just don’t have enough good talls.

  3. Luke Reynolds says

    Blair is the living embodiment of a question mark. Has seriously been gifted his last 50 games.
    His one strength is making great position in the forward line. But if he’s opposed, by anyone at all, he’s always beaten.

    Scharenberg just played his best game against Gold Coast. Sports scientists intervening??

    Goldsack was so not the man for Kennedy. I love the Sack, he’s having a wonderful season. But if Dunn doesn’t stand Kennedy, why is he in the team?

    While Pres Ed is fixing the Footy Show, he could surely negotiate getting us out of playing home games at Etihad as well. Some temporary seating and some upgrades, surely Victoria Park could accommodate 22,000 once or twice a year? Surely would be far more profitable.

  4. Luke Reynolds says

    Great piece by the way Jeff. Twin Peaks far easier to follow than Collingwood at the moment.

  5. Dave – Keeffe reminds me of Jack Frost in that his first season promised so much before regressing. The last season he played previously was nothing to write home about. One wonders why we didn’t punt on a free hit like Stewart who is doing OK as a young developing 3rd forward at the Bombers.

    Thanks Luke – Schaz just needs to get AFL games in him quickly. I fear he’ll leave for an SA club at year’s end and we’ll get half a Snickers bar in return for a top 10 draft pick who’s finally showing something after all the injuries. I’ve heard that Sunday was Blair’s 151st and last game… As for Dear Leader taking over TFS, not great timing given the tumultuous weeks ahead and all the undue focus his presence will bring. Five more games… Thankfully 7 more Twin Peaks eps remaining!

  6. Cruel but fair. Matt Priddis pix in the red suit? Sometimes blokes just need a tap on the shoulder. 3 kicks in 4 quarters!! Cruel when the game catches up with you and goes past in a cloud of smoke.

  7. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Ripper read, JD and was a big fan of original Twin Peaks, although I’d forgotten all about it until you reminded me in this post.
    Weagles were pissweak in the last quarter. Would read into it too much. Still get soft goals scored against us, Blair still gets a game and Bucks and Eddie are now playing to crowds of under 23k.

    Degoey’s leadership was exemplary. Needs a few more mates. Like Wills in the team. He is a hard body who uses the ball well unlike the other 16 Kent Butchers…

  8. If you have Stan get on board the Twin Peaks reboot Phil – remarkable TV. But I’d recommend a refresher on the previous series before you do (I missed TP when it was on originally but binged on it in preparation).

    Looks like Dear Leader is changing some deck chairs but determined to steer the ship towards the iceberg. Wins like this light up a dark season but I’m not sure in the long run it helps effect the change required. Can’t help but lament the midfielder obsession at the expense of quality KPP’s.

  9. Peter B – I was prepared for a 45 possession game from Priddis in lieu of Mitchell being rested. Glad I was wrong! Seems WC & CFC have opposite problems with their team balance/composition.

  10. Dave Nadel says

    Jeff, your point about Stewart is well taken. Last week, Liam Picken was best on the ground for the Doggies, Jake Kelly played one of his best games for the Crows and James Stewart did alright for the Bombers. We had first dibs on all these three because of their fathers and we passed on them while spending buckets of money on the non-performing Mayne and trading high draft picks for the over rated Aish.

    I am aware that Liam Picken developed quite late and did not look like the son of a champion in his early career, but as I have said several times over the last seven years on Nicks Bulletin Board, the one thing that Liam had in common with Billy was a refusal to give up when his team was beaten and to always put in 100%. He should have been a Magpie.

  11. We actually had two chances at Stewart – as a father-son and when he wanted out of the Giants. As for Jake Kelly, passing on him as a F-S is symptomatic of our inability to identify talent, even when it’s under our own noses.

    I don’t mind Aish, I think he’s been poorly used and has been hampered by injuries. Second half of last year he was consistently one of our best. Mayne though has been a tragic waste of space at $2m over 4 years – and his last couple years at Freo were nothing startling, so god knows what we were thinking.

  12. John Butler says

    Poor talent identification. Paying over the odds on imports. Lack of player development. Questionable coaching choices.

    I feel like I’ve seen this movie before.

    Like this piece, JD.

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