Round 16 – West Coast v Port Adelaide: Dead Parrots

A customer enters a pet shop – post match press conference.

PB: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The coach does not respond.)

Simmo: We’re closin’ for our recovery session.

PB: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased at ¾ time from this very boutique.

Simmo: Oh yes, the, uh, the Eagle Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

PB: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

Simmo: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.

PB: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Simmo: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the Eagle Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

PB: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Simmo: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

PB: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister Polly Priddis! I’ve got a lovely fresh finals series for you if you show…

(owner hits the cage)

Simmo: There, he moved!

PB: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

Simmo: I never!!

PB: Yes, you did!

Simmo: I never, never did anything…

PB: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO PRIDDS!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your half time alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

PB: Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.

Simmo: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!


Simmo: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! The Eagle Blue stuns easily, major.

PB: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought in at half time, you assured me that its total lack of midfield movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a big flight back from beating the Dogs.

Simmo: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for Nic Nat.

PB: PININ’ for NIC NAT?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment Port started running?

Simmo: The Eagle Blue prefers kippin’ on it’s back! Remarkable bird, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

PB: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in the Eight in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.


Simmo: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that bird down, Matt Priddis would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with his beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

PB: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this midfield wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through them! It’s bleedin’ demised!

SImmo: No no! ‘E’s pining!

PB: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This midfield is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-MIDFIELD!!


Simmo: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of parrots.

PB: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Simmo: (pause) I got a slug.

PB: I know.


  1. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says


  2. Brilliant PB !

  3. Dave Brown says

    Ouch! Harsh but fair, PB. Thought early on that West Coast were going to grind the Power down, turned out they got flattened in the stampede.

  4. Thought I had better check that my prejudices/subjective observations were backed up with stats. Eagles are 8/7 on the ladder with the worst percentage of the top 10 teams (99.9). We are 10/5 in first halves (+74 points) and 6/9 (-75 points) in second halves. More gallingly, since Round 5 when the season started to drag on our (many) older players we are 3/8 in second halves.
    Against Melbourne when we were 15 points up half way through the last quarter I could see Bernie Vince screaming at the defence to spread the ball wide and run. All opposition now understand our vulnerability and know they can exploit of lack of run and intensity late in games. To their credit the Eagles are committed, gutsy and working hard with tackling pressure and locking down at the stoppages (we look like a Ross Lyon coached team – yuk – but Simpson has adapted the game plan to fit the slow old cattle/parrots).
    We have had 2 productive drafts in 7 seasons – 2010 was Gaff and Darling; 2013 was McGovern and Sheed. The rest are mostly duds/poor development. Duggan and Nelson show signs. In 2014 Jeremy McGovern was our Rookie of the Year – but we passed on brother Mitch to draft Tom Lamb (1 game). Doh.
    I call the current Eagles a donut team. Lots of big blokes and lots of little blokes, but no mid sized athletic midfielders (other than Yeo). We have lots of 30+/200+ games elite players and have started playing some kids. But flags are built on improving 80 game 24 year olds. Yeo, McGovern then? Luke Shuey is getting old in footy terms – 27 and 148 games.
    Priddis has been a wonderful player, but I have no idea why they have just re-signed him for 2018. Opposition clubs actively exploit him now. He should have been tapped on the shoulder as a good and faithful servant of the club. LeCras, Cripps and Karpaney are all 175cm clones who struggle with leg speed and defensive pressure as small forwards. LeCras is highly skilled and gets the opportunist goals, but gives you nothing else. Pension time.
    The Dockers (much to my surprise and Ross Lyons credit) are 2 years ahead of us on a rebuild that the Eagles haven’t even started to think about.
    Eighth or ninth playing dour football with an ancient list is no way to excite fans or maintain long term credibility. Sack the recruiting staff. Bolster player development. Give Partington, Lamb and Venables some game time. Pension off some faithful servants and be prepared to trade current underachievers for future possibilities. Mitchell and Petrie have given good service – but it was a gamble that was never going to work without Nic Nat to add strength, run and flair. Vardy has worked hard but is an awful kick.
    (PS – like the look of Port. Well coached. Well balanced team. Ryder is silk. Charlie Dixon and Robbie Gray complement each other well. Value chance in September. I rate them as good as Adelaide or Cats.)

  5. Rulebook says

    PB I admit I am biased but I can not work out whyWC haven’t given,Luke Partington a chance yet

  6. Rulebook – in writing this I reckon I am echoing every serious Eagles fan I have talked to. We aren’t bad, but we aren’t good. Everything for the last few seasons has hinged on a fit Nic Nat giving us first possession; tackling pressure; run and creativity. He is a 4 for 1 deal that covers a lot of other holes in our lineup. Hope to be proved wrong, but I can’t see such a huge athletic man recovering quickly from a knee reconstruction.
    Everyone who has watched East Perth reckons Partington is a beaut and they can’t work out why the Eagles played Mutimer ahead of him, and why they are still playing has beens ahead of him. My guess is that Simmo is hoping against hope to make the 8 and get a miracle like Nic Nat back. But in my experience 100/1 shots rarely salute.
    Better to go back to go forward. Too many eighths and ninths turns you into Richmond.

  7. The last player the Eagles took the initiative to trade (not those who left off their own volition) was Ben Cousins.

  8. Stephen James Fenton says

    Eagles too-two over par Condors PB?

  9. Love it PB

    As a Tigers man, I find that an appreciation of the absurd and surreal does help you cope with games, you too I see.


  10. If you remember the Monty Python sketch “Dead Parrot” (I do – showing my age) , and are a “thinking fan” (I am) – you will LOVE this!! (I did).
    Absolutely hilarious!
    I have shared to a few Facebook Groups for Port fans for their amusement too.

  11. John Butler says

    It’s been a Pythonesque season, PB. But dead parrots have been resurrected on a weekly basis thus far. As reliably as the weekly team of the moment has crashed.

    No hope for a late Nic Nat return?

    Good to see you’re keeping your sense of humour.

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