Round 15 – Sydney v Western Bulldogs: I am very angry and I don’t care what you think!

Nasty swear words are coming from my mouth. I want to scream them out LOUD!

The worst possible words you could imagine starting with F and S and M-F. Over and over until I can’t scream any more!

You men out there, you’re allowed to use those words – and do – so just because I’m a woman, why can’t I? I don’t care what you think!

After that stinking final siren sounded, I did use the F one. Not just under my breath, but to some Swans people who sit near us. I didn’t care what they thought of me either; they sort of agreed, and just smiled.

How the hell can a supporter smile after a loss like that! They were all smiling, walking from the ground. Smiling and laughing, as if nothing had happened. And, they weren’t Bulldogs supporters! They were Swans! How can they do that?! I COULDN’T and wouldn’t smile if you paid me $10,000, after a loss like that. I simply couldn’t! It would be totally impossible!

The people walking along Anzac Parade and over the bridge, and down Devonshire Street to Central were behaving as if they were returning home from a pleasant day out at the SCG, and it was now time to talk about what to have for dinner. Dinner! How can anyone even think of dinner after a loss like that! What is wrong with these Sydney people? Or is it just me? I am devastated. I am not hungry and don’t imagine I’ll eat for 24 hours. I won’t be watching any replay or any other games, for that matter. I certainly won’t sleep much tonight. I won’t talk to Marshall either – he knows that, so he won’t talk to me either. I won’t talk to anyone else in the family either – they know that, so they won’t talk to me either. S F M-F! I am angry and I don’t care what you think!

Eight more shots for goal! Letting them play as they did in the third quarter! Letting them do as they liked in that quarter after we were 16 points up! Kicking point after point, hitting the post from 30 out! Letting that yapping Bulldog mark, unattended, 45 out with 27 minutes on the clock before the final siren, after we’d managed to get back in front! Bloody hell Swans, what are you doing? You are supposed to win games on home turf! You are supposed to win games of such importance at this time of the year! You were supposed to win this one to go to the top of the ladder! But, no, you let them win by a stinking 4 points – the same as they did last year on our home turf!

It is now just one hour after the final siren. Marshall has just come upstairs to my office/study and brought me some nuts and olives and a glass of tonic water with lemon. I actually said thank you. He must think I need sustenance, especially at a time like this. I don’t, but I’m nibbling away anyway, and maybe the squeeze of lemon will have some medicinal effect. Maybe I should go to the pub and buy some white wine? Maybe I should go to the chemist and buy a sedative? Anything, just to stop feeling like shit!

Oh, god I hate losing. I’ve had 67 years to get used to it, but I’m getting worse lately, as I get older. That horrible, horrible empty feeling after a close game when you lose. Surely others feel the same? Please tell me you do!

Stupid bloody football! 22 men trying to kick a piece of leather between two tall sticks – that’s all it is. That is literally what it is about, nothing more, nothing less. Yet I kid myself it means more! As someone else on this site said a few weeks ago, I HATE FOOTBALL. I hate that I allow it to affect me so much. I feel like I’m bleeding inside. Bleeding from a large wound that will take a few days to heal. That is sick, isn’t it?

Well, this sick human being will have to get herself together pretty quickly. She has to pack SWANZ early next week and drive 1,870km to Geelong and back to see her team try to kick that stupid ball between two sticks. Again. She has to pray and hope that they kick it through those stupid sticks more times than the other team in this stupid game. And she has to pray and hope that she won’t be feeling the same as she is right now!

For the first time since I’ve been writing my weekly stories, I’m not even going to type My Highlights from the Game. Well, I’ve typed the words, but that’s it. No more till next week.

I am still very angry and I don’t care what you think!

About Jan Courtin

A Bloods tragic since first game at Lake Oval in 1948. Moved interstate to Sydney to be closer to beloved Swans in 1998. My book "My Lifelong Love Affair with the Swans" was launched by the Swans at their headquarters at the SCG in August 2016.


  1. Cat from the Country says

    I have watched my Cats be decimated by your Swans.
    2014 they went to sleep and let the Swans all over them.
    I was furious nd terribly disappointed too.
    However I did not curse.
    What can one do AFTER the match?
    So we Cats supporters laughed and joked with each other.
    We may have cried otherwise.?

  2. Neil Anderson says

    I was so close to writing a similar piece to yours Jan. Definitely with ten minutes to go in the match.
    I wasn’t quite ready to micro-wave my membership ticket or anything like that, but like you, I hated the idea we were about to lose against a top side again. Just hated it! The family were keeping their distance as the black cloud of expected defeat rolled in.
    You hate losing over that 67 year period but have had the relief of two premierships to ease the pain in the last ten years. But I understand you want to keep the wins going, especially at your home ground.
    Try and understand and I know you do, that I have had 62 years of waiting for the ultimate success and if the Dogs start a season well and then falter, we just wonder if it will ever happen for us. So you can imagine how crucial it was for the Bulldogs to win last night.
    I am about to write a report on the match which won’t be about sticking the boots in, but more about how our supporters are starting to go from extreme pessimists to optimists. Well, almost.

  3. jan courtin says

    Hi Cat from the Country and Neil. Thanks for comments.

    I rarely, if ever, get angry after a game! I get sad, yes, and many tears have flowed over the years.
    I remember, well, that game in 2014 when we smashed you, Cat from the Country, but somehow, when your team is beaten well and truly, it is easier to deal with, compared to a loss almost on the siren, when you feel your team “should have” been able to hold and win, as has happened twice this year with us. And for some reason, I reacted differently on Saturday night.

    After our 2014 Grand Final thrashing, there was no anger from me – although a lot of Swans people felt it – I was devastated and at a loss to understand how such a thing could have happened, but no anger. There certainly weren’t any smiles though!

    Of course I understand your situation Neil, and I really do want your team to get next premiership, and I understand how all of the supporters are feeling the same, but it still doesn’t take away from the fact that emotional outbursts – in whatever form – will always accompany a loss just before the siren!

  4. You think you’ve got it tough. You managed to lose the unloseable contest at the last minute. So what.
    People are suffering all over the eastern suburbs. Vaucluse, Potts Point, Rose Bay – there are flags half mast all over the area.
    Why not have a thought for others less fortunate than you. You may have no shoes, but some of us have lost both legs.
    Malcolm of Woollahra

  5. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    I love it Jan! Anger is an energy. You sound like a Collingwood fan.

  6. Tony Courtin says

    Jan,how many gut-wrenching defeats can a footy fanatic endure in a season!? I whole-heartedly endorse your sentiments. I take some solace from the fact we weren’t able to lock-away the win in a close game,a la Hawthorn,because,quite simply,we weren’t good enough. What an emotional roller coaster we choose to ride!!

  7. jan courtin says

    Good morning Malcolm, Phillip and Tony:

    Peter: I’ve just taken a drive to Vaucluse, Potts Point and Rose Bay to check out the flags. At 11.45am they are actually at three-quarter mast! Maybe I should take another trip tomorrow morning? Thanks for forwarding Malcolm’s comments!

    Phillip: Well I am from Melbourne, so what do you expect! South Melbourne, Collingwood, Carlton, Richmond – no difference really! At least you guys can have a smile this week.

    Tony: At least you didn’t get to experience it at the ground! Although I’m sure you had the television off when they kicked that final goal! Gut-wrenching! The roller coast continues and let’s hope that next week we’ll be on the up!

    Thanks all

  8. Paul Spinks says

    Well, Jan, I’ve heard women curse with the best of them, so let it all out. Things were looking ominous in the last minutes when the Swans didn’t appear desperate enough to defend the lead – just had that feel the Bullies would get another goal.
    What a weird season! Every team is having these flat patches. I’ve seen it in the Cats as well, much to my chagrin. Makes for a very interesting game next week.

  9. Jan, up here in Brisbane we dream to lose a close game and emit foul language.
    We lost the ability to verbalise our emotions some time ago and now only communicator via physical gesture, this to will soon be lost.
    You must continue to express and embrace your emotions for it gives hope to those of us who have little.

  10. jan courtin says

    Thanks Paul and Daly

    Interesting game next week, indeed, Paul. I certainly understand how Geelong people must be feeling, coming off another loss to a so-called lesser team. Just proves we’re all human! I hope I won’t want or feel a need to swear after next week’s game; I’ll be staying with my “traitor” sister, who was a Swan until they sent us to Sydney, and now she’s Geelong! However, she’s no prude, so maybe it’ll be down to whoever loses who gets to use a couple of expletives!

    Daly: I really do understand. Living in Brissie for 22 years, and going to all the Bears and Lions games, I observed the whole range of emotions, even though I’d already moved to Sydney when you had your glorious years. Unfortunately, Brisbane and Sydney, both operating in rugby league states, somehow need to be winners, otherwise the supporters tend to fall away. Very hard for the northern states, in terms of keeping supporters and faith. Good luck. Brisbane is my “second” team, although it is easy to keep the emotions in check with a second team.

  11. John Butler says

    Better out than in, Jan.

  12. my mum is the best swearer in out family, and that’s saying something.

    this was a Richmond loss par exemplar. except for the ho-hum reaction, which accords with my worst prejudices about the Silvertail Swnas (we are all Giants and Shorteners today.)

    Go TIges!

  13. Tony Courtin says

    Jan,my message should’ve read “unlike Hawthorn”,but I’m sure you realised that. I’ll happily appropriate blame for my error to the stress brought-on by those “22 men trying to kick a piece of leather between 2 tall sticks”. Enjoy the journey south this week.

  14. jan courtin says

    Thanks John, Peter and Tony

    John: I must have let it all out last night. I’ve calmed down a little today – the day after, even though I couldn’t sleep and got up at 4am!

    Peter: Richmond loss all over again, agree. The so-called Silvertail Swans term, used by Melburnians mostly, I would say could apply to the supporters, certainly not the players! But then, we have supporters all over Sydney, not just the eastern suburbs. And you should hear their swearing, especially from the Melbourne Swans fans!

    Thanks for comments

  15. Pamela Sherpa says

    Great close game. I thought the Swans had it. Not to worry . It was not the GF .
    There is time to bounce back.

  16. Jan, totally agree!! Feel exactly the same. Been grumpy all day about it. We’re away so had to follow the game via the AFL app. Thought we’d done well to get back in front after a terrible third quarter, only to lose in ten dying seconds.
    Could be 1st, now sit back in the pack. Bloody hawthorn on top. Was there in ’14 too. Still devastated. Said to my many saints friends ‘now I know how u all feel’. Have some hope that our draw from here isn’t too bad. Cheers, Glen

  17. jan courtin says

    Tony, Pamela and Glen
    Many thanks for comments.
    Sorry, Tony forgot to acknowledge your second comment. I understood what you meant about Hawthorn, and yes, those sticks will be very important next week.

    Pamela and Glen: Sure it wasn’t a GF, but I react as if every game is! Agree with the sentiments, Glen, about that happy team being on top, but when you think about teams finishing on top at the end of the year, the majority of them don’t win the big one! So happy to be around the mark as long as it’s in top four.

    And, I keep reminding myself what happened in 2012. We lost three of the last four home and away matches and we all know who was holding up the cup on the last Saturday in September!

    I couldn’t find it in me to even type “Cheer Cheer” last night, but I’ve done it now!

  18. Jan the omens were there. This weekend saw two Grand Final reunions, all against us. 1996 reunion for North GF win against Swans, 2006 reunion for West Coast GF win against Swans, it had to be. I don’t know what is worse, the loss or the opportunity, disappointment all round.

  19. jan courtin says

    Yes, Dave I was aware of the two reunions – 20 years apart, but hadn’t made any connection regarding an omen. Good observation!

    I think the loss and the opportunity can’t be separated, one implies the other, and, disappointment indeed!

    You never know, maybe the players’ disappointment in themselves might inspire them next week!!

    Cheer cheer

  20. Peter Schumacher says

    I watch Brisbane games this year with an ongoing dull pain, too used to the week in week out thrashings to let myself get emotively involved much.

  21. Hi Jan,

    I’m sad to hear you faced such devestation not only from the loss but also from fellow Bloods supporters. Even they might try to keep positive, their reactions seem to have lack of passion.

    On the same day, the mighty Saints lost to Gold Coast by 40 points. I watched the game on my tablet in a vacant room at my workplace during the break. Mostly I swore to myself. I understand your frustration. It’s reflected on passionate of supporting the club, isn’t it?

    Indeed I am unhappy with the loss! I had been unhappy with media predictions putting us losing an interstate game. I was really annoyed when Suns played their song whenever they kicked goals!!

    I can’t blame media so wanted my boys to overcome. But only a terrible result came up.

    I hope your boys will answer your emotion next week at Kardina Park.



  22. jan courtin says

    Thanks for your comments Peter and Yoshi

    I know EXACTLY how you feel Peter – experiencing the South years and early Sydney years – week after week of the same. Absolutely no fun at all! With the Lions my “second” team, let’s hope it will turn around soon.

    And, Yoshi, I too was definitely hoping your boys would win. They have improved so much this year, but being a bunch of young kids, they’ll need time to be consistent. Keep the faith!! And I’ll say it again, if only I could write in another language as you do, I’d be extremely pleased!

  23. Well Jan – I understand your anger. If I could think of some more outrageous expletives, I would certainly have expleted them (if there is such a word)! Still can’t get my head around how our team let that happen.
    Let’s hope next week makes us smile.

  24. Julie Cattlin says

    Very, very, very funny article, Jan. How can you be THAT upset losing a football game!! Most people just aren’t like that – so passionate about a football team that they can’t eat!! Even with our Labor candidate losing at the election, I still wanted to eat!!!

  25. jan courtin says

    Message for Neil Anderson:
    Hi Neil
    I’ve just realised my error in my reply to you, above. I said
    “Of course I understand your situation Neil, and I really do want your team to get next premiership, …”
    I left out the all important word “your” before the last two words!

    I can’t imagine I’d be wanting your team to win the next premiership!! Sorry about that!

    Thanks for your comment Marcel. I can certainly think of worse words, but they’re very unpleasant ones, indeed, and not generally used on a site like this! Hopefully, we’re smiling next week!

    Hell, Geelong on their home turf! A bit of a nightmare usually, but must be positive! Go Bloods!

  26. jan courtin says

    Hi Julie
    That is extremely funny!

    Especially the sentence:…so passionate about a football team that they can’t eat!”

    I’ve never had a great appetite, and never eaten human flesh, so won’t be starting now – even if they are the Swans!


  27. #&%@#^%&* entertaining Jan.

  28. jan courtin says

    I wish the match had been Don. Well, according to media scribes it was one of the games of the year, and no doubt other teams’ supporters thought so to, so who am I too question them? No way, in my view. We lost, and that’s it, no matter the quality of the game! Maybe I’m exaggerating, but you know what I mean.

    Cheer cheer

  29. Tony Courtin says

    Julie,how can someone be so upset about a politician losing!!!

  30. Marie Teague says

    Oh hell!! You’re coming down to Catland and staying with your traitor sister this Friday: I think I’ll head to Melbourne instead of Ocean Grove if you lose!! No, I’ll just do what Marshall does – I won’t talk to you and I’ve got lots of calming herbal teas on hand. And I’ll definitely not put my favourite blue and white doona on your bed. But, there is a very slight chance you might beat the mighty Cats – so beware!!!

  31. jan courtin says

    Thank you dear “traitor” sister!

    I really tossed up whether to even tell you we were coming down for the game, such is my anxiety about you all having to put up with me and my “ways” when we lose, especially if we were to stay with you overnight after the game! I remember last year only too well when you beat us, and we had to sleep under that horrible blue and white doona!

    I didn’t like to say anything to you about it at the time, and then when we visited you in the cricket season there it was again – the bed all made up with the same doona. Actually, I took it off for the night and just used the sheet! And that was blue!

    Don’t suppose you’ve got any red sheets for your guests, or maybe red and white, from your old South days, before you became the traitor!

    So beware, I say to you, we might just beat you!

    Come on, just say it one more time: Go the Mighty Bloods!

  32. Tony Courtin says

    Jan,never mind traitors and family members who will never comprehend the raw pain we must endure when our football team loses. If it’s all too much for you,drop into our place on the way back to Sydney and I’ll give you a herbal tea,with one or two shots of gin! What’s more,if those cocky cats beat us,I may also convert to herbal remedies! Enjoy the game. Go bloods.

  33. Oh for a language that does uniquely express
    The pain, anguish, hurt and deep distress
    That one must endure when things go wrong
    And not as planned – as in the Swan Song!

    Footy for the fanatics digs really deep
    It imbibes such passion, only to weep
    Curse and swear, and feel such frustration
    To the point sometimes, of wishing damnation
    On the offending protagonists of the great game
    And to drag ’em all down to the point of shame!

    But how, one wonders, can footy do this
    To intelligent people who can normally take the piss?
    But I guess we can forgive all of you who use
    The profanities of our language that do abuse
    Umps and players and even the lame duck
    Cos in the end, who gives a …… damn!!

  34. jan courtin says

    Tony, I’ll willingly take you up on your offer, but might just stick to the herbal – gin is not to my liking. Let’s hope however that you won’t have to revert to the non alcoholic remedies!

    Jude: That is just go good! You’re a real poet! I laughed out loud!! So did my hubby!

    Many thanks
    Go Bloods!

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