Round 14: John Mosig’s Footy Wrap

THE PRE WRAP – ROUND XIV

THE LADDER

ST KILDA                 14        0          170.44             56

GEELONG 13        1          145.04             52

FOOTSCRAY          10        4          130.37             40

CARRINGBUSH     9          5          118.39             36

ADELAIDE 9          5          102.90             36

BRISBANE 8          6          105.10             32

CARTOON               7          7          107.85             26

THE BOMBERS      7          7          101.36             24

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THE POWER                        7          7            92.10             28

STEAK&KIDNEY    6          8            95.29             24

LES MISERABLES   6          8            88.00             24

WEAGLES                 4          10          88.83             16

NTH MELB               4          10          77.19             16

STRUGGLETOWN  3          11          77.52             12

FLAKY FREO           3          11          76.99             12

THE FUCHSIAS       2          12          71.50               8

THE AUSSIE RULES WRAP

For The Philosophical Marngrook Fan

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  On Friday night with 77,699 at The G and the Whole Football World watching on TV screens in lonely pubs and along wind swept coasts, in far off exotic postings and stoking the mallee roots in the lounge room fireplace, The Bombers had their season put into perspective by the ever improving Carringbush.  The Dees break through and deliver a Victory to TLSRF.  The Bulldogs strip any remaining sheen from Les Miserable’s 2009 season as they make a decisive statement of their own.  Up in Bananaland, THE TIGERS displayed their usual too little too late game as The Pride of South Australia makes it six on the Stewie Trott.  While over in the City of Light The True Believers sat Boss Voss and his crew down for a serious chat about Kicking The Winning Score.

Come Sunday and it was all aboard The Junction Oval Bandwagon as they withstood everything The Pivotonians could throw at them.  Steak & Kidney won the Last Quarter to bring home the bacon while over in The West, the Juddanaught pulled Carlton’s bacon out of the fire.

Does anyone watch the adverts between goals on the box?  Resist the temptation to rush out and pull the scab off a tinnie next time the sponsor’s message flashes up on the plasma.  For instance, the SportsBet add could do with a re-make.  The account manager rattling off the wagers he’s taken out are as a good a disincentive to gamble as any.  How do we know?  He’s got David Hille in the Dick Reynolds Trophy.  Man Mountain limped off in Round I and is not due back till next season.  Have a listen next time and see how many other of his fancies have been as wide of the mark.

Speaking of adds, and look, we don’t want to turn this column into The Gruen Transfer, but did anyone notice that an advert for dietary supplements comes straight after the advert for fast – read junk – food?

Nicole’s ex was in the stand on Friday night.  The camera caught him a couple of times shaking his head in bewilderment.  Us too Tom.  Is there a different set of rules when the ball is inside 50 to when it is in the midfield?  They say they’ve made it easier for forwards in the marking contest, but has anyone else noticed they throw the rulebook away when the ball hits the ground?  But can you blame the umpires.  In those close up and personal mauls the frees come thick & fast and it’s impossible to pick out one, unless it’s glaring.  As long as it’s fair to all.  It certainly makes for good Footy, and the howls of the wronged fans is worth riding your bike in from Wantirna to hear.  We just hope Tom wasn’t too confused.  (He would have been even more confused if he’d been amongst the 54,444 at Docklands on Sunday – Ed)

Talking about throwing away the rulebook, since when has grabbing the ball out of the ruck and not disposing of it correctly been allowed?  Not that we’re against it mind you.  We always thought it the ruckman’s prerogative to take possession by sheer strength.  The reason I ask is that The Giraffe seemed to be doing a fair bit of it on Friday night.  Without penalty.  On one occasion in the forward pocket we saw a classic rucking manoeuvre.  He grabbed the ball from the throw-in and slammed it through the Big Sticks from a standing start.  The Gentle Giant Roy Wright, Big Nick & Polly Farmer would have been just some of the many thousands to be gladdened to see this coming back into THE GAME.

Those goals they snap from nowhere, it’s no fluke you know.  Go down to Auskick and watch them warming up.  Forget the percentages and easy goals.  Forget the screamers.  For Generation Next it’s all about running along the chalk and slotting it through on the wrong foot at full pace from the pocket.  Nothing’s impossible.  Coaching them is going to either a pleasure or a nightmare.

And speaking of Auskick, I’ve already given you Diddums Didak for this year’s Ch^as Brownlow Fairest & Best.  Jot down the name Donald.  Not sure of his surname.  He’s the Rising Star winner for 2019.  Could even be the next Darren Berwick, complete with a carrot top.  He plays in a No.4 Essendon Guernsey.  The number’s set to the left hand side of the jumper as though there used to be another digit alongside it, as in say No.45.  (I didn’t know they could count that high out at Whingy Hill Wrap – Ed)  He eats footballs for breakfast this kid.  Last week he got knocked out three times. Either that or he’s taking lessons from Lloydie.  And we’re talking eight & nine year olds here.  So in 2018 cast an eye over the Draft Camp Rookies and see if you can pick out a shortish blood nutted kid with a real determined look on his face.  That’ll be him.

If the invertebrates at the Star Chamber have any gumption at all, they’ll review Lloyd’s knee in Presta’s back as he went for a spectacular grab towards the end of the match.  (That could be any time after the Long Break – Ed)  You could see the Collingwood defender’s ribs jolt from the front on shot.  And didn’t Pretty Boy go butcher’s hook when the free was given against him?

As Doubtful Thomas would tell you, the umpiring has improved out of sight of late.  However, there’s a weakness in their game that the Geech could have a look at: the 15m rule.  We don’t know whether Tuesday or Thursday night is devoted to distance estimating down at Maggot Central, but they need a new trigonometry coach.  The call of “pay the mark” or “play-on, not 15” at The Blockbuster was as inconsistent as you could get.  And let’s be honest here, it was in Geelong’s favour.  On Sunday the turf of Ethelred Stadium was freshly trimmed and the mover passes were there for all to see.  How hard would it be to un a tape over the width and use that as a mental yardstick for judging the distance of those half kicks?

And look, I don’t want to sound like we spend a lot of time here at The Wrap maggot bashing, but do you think they could put the slowmo on some of those handballs.  Especially those where the ball carrier has both arms pinned in the tackle.  No. 35 in the Navy Blue & White Hoops would be as good a start as any.  And then his mate wearing No.29.

The Tour de Farce gets underway this week as does The Ashes.  Aussie Good Things will feature in both events.  Cadell will be trying to put a gap in them for the 3^rd year in a row.  He’s made a good start in the warm-up day, sitting one out and five back  -23 seconds on The Yellow Guernsey, but only -5 on the man who beat him into 2^nd in 2007.  Michael Rogers is -1.13 at 27^th.  Early days yet.

The pre 1^st Test slanging match between Baggy Greens and the Three Lions bdefore Wednesday’s match is well inder way.  The Two and Froms look as set as they’re going to be.  The Australian camp maybe not so much.  With a lowpitch predicted, and the dampness of the English Summer conducsive to swing, Nathan Hauritz is likelyto be varying the drinks in a four seamer attack.  Maybe one featuring the Worcester warm-up’s Man of The Match Bing Lee.

And in Strawberry & Cream Land Our Renée & Our Samantha gave Their Venus & Their Serena a run for their money – all USD2.5m of it.  That’s right, the Williams sisters pocketed a cool 3.125m Kanga for their fortnight’s work.  That’s not counting the 50 weeks of preparation and build-up before that.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who was seen after Round XIV.

COLLINGWOOD   2.3    9.6    12.10         15.12         (102)

ESSENDON              2.6    3.8      6.10            9.13            (67)

The Magpies v The Bombers.  As The Gliders discovered, they weren’t playing Carlton this weekend.  And not surprisingly, the email and SMS traffic from Niddrie, Keilor and Oak Park has dropped off somewhat this weekend.  As hard as they tried, they just couldn’t match Collingwood’s intensity, nor their skill level.  This Magpie Machine, much to the delight of The Black&White Army, displayed genuine pace, Football nous and supreme skills under some intense Essendon pressure.  This wasn’t a walk over; it was a hard earned Victory over spirited opposition.  Did The Bombers miss the leadership and strength of Mrs Watson little boy Jobe?  And ex-Captaincy Aspirant McVeigh?  With Dane Swan and Harry Oh providing grunt and opportunity after opportunity, and the Bomber forwards spending a lot of time chasing leather, that would be affirmative Goose.  But The Gliders should have had this one sewn up by the 1^st Huddle.  BKIBF.  When Pretty Boy missed a couple he’d normally drill it was looking ominous.  When he ducked his head into a tackle and didn’t get the free The Whingy Hill Faithful may as well have headed for the exits.  Alwyn Davey slotted a miracle goal for only their 2^nd major from a dominant Opening Stanza in which they had twice the scoring opportunities of their opponents for a miserly three point advantage.  In fact at this stage it was difficult to see where Collingwood’s goals were going to come from.  Coach Knighter would have known by then that they had missed their chance to put their stamp on the Contest.  With Golly Josh Fraser making amends for the whipping he took on Anzac Day, and their ears burning from Mickey’s words of encouragement at the Primary Huddle, they wrenched the initiative from The Visitors and never relinquished it.  But wasn’t this a match full of classic goals?  The Drouin Showpony demonstrated he was BIT with a beauty under pressure.  And Brad Dick – is he any plumb pud?  Built like a federal match, he’s got the Mothers of Melbourne competing to take him home for a feed.  With the leanness, vision, speed and balance of a cheetah, he knows where the goals are, and where the fans are.  The trade mark finger wag and the huge grin are all Larrikan.  Straighter kicking may have made for a closer contest and it would have been good for Tom to see a tight finish.  But The Maggies missed their share too.  As it was, The Bomber Mosquito Fleet turned out to be just a bomber.  The Dons’ challenge continues.  Next week they board the Spirit of Progress bound for Coat Hangar Bay to meet the challenged and challenging Bloods.  For The Woodsmen it’s another Friday night Block Buster: 4^th v 3^rd under cover.

MELBOURNE 6.1       11.2     16.6     17.10   (112)

WEST COAST         4.6         7.8     11.12   13.14     (92)

The Demons v The West.  They unfurled The Grand Old Flag in The Longroom and beyond as these two Cellar Dwellers slugged it out for draft table positions.  The final score belies the fact that The Demons had a pretty good grip on this match from the beginning.  And with commitment such as they displayed on Saturday they could go a long way to losing The Converted Timber Trophy.  With a relatively soft run home they could be moving upwards, as we all wish Jimmy Stynes’ health will move.  With matches against fellow Cellar Dwellers RICHMOND Freo & North and mediocre opponents in The Chokers, The Swans & Carlton, all in Bleak City, that prospect, based on the Self Belief they displayed on the weekend, is a distinct possibility. They start with Port Power next Sunday.  The Coasters have invited The Feeling Faints across for a run.

PORT POWER        2.2       10.3       13.6     19.5   (128)

BRISSY BEARS      2.4         6.7     11.11   11.14   (80)

Port Adelaide v The Brisbane Lions.  Port’s 8-1 2^nd Quarter swung the match their way but they still had a bit to do in the Final Stanza to clinch a convincing win.  The Power From Port took the contest right up to the Visitors, who it must be said, didn’t handle the physicality very well.  Something that Boss Voss would not be happy with.  He has a week to rectify that when they host The Cats OTR.  For The Tealers it’s back into September Contention and a trip down to THOF as guests of the MFC.

THE CROWS           5.3       9.6       14.9     15.12   (102)

THE TIGERS           2.1       5.3         8.5       13.7     (85)

RICHMOND v Adelaide. The Crows never really looked like loosing this one, despite THE TIGER’S late flurry.  But as usual, it was nothing more than a token gesture to appease the Coach and ensure they got paid for the night.  And that might be the next step at TIGERLAND, pay on performance using Dreamteam statistics.  Shane Tuck did nothing to harm his Jack Dyer Medal chances and Hawthorn must be wondering why a son of a Favourite Son is playing for an opposition side.  As at TIGERLAND, they must be wondering why Coach of The Season Knighter is coaching an opposition side.  The Pride of South Australia can have a look around the theme parks at leisure before heading back to The City of Churches to prepare the New Arctic Park for The Barry Crockers next Saturday night.  They’ve moved up to 5^th and will create some havoc between now and the end of September.  There’s a lot to like about The Mighty Adelaide Crows.

THE SCRAYS                 9.6   13.10   15.14   19.19     (133)

THE MAYBLOOMS     0.2        0.4      4.6       6.9        (45)

The Doggies v The Les Miserables.  As Tommy Lane said at the end of the match – the bad news for The Hawks is that there’s another half season to go. The sight of the good burghers of Camberwell and Deepdene draped in the GoldenBrown sitting stunned in the bleachers, their leafblowers standing cold beside them, would have to go down as one of the saddest images of 2009.  And considering that, like the population of Iran, 65% of the Maybloom Faithful are under 40, the trauma of the humiliation could have the psychiatrists’ couches around at Beyond Blue groaning this week as scores of Glenferrie Faithful, who as six year olds chose last year’s premiers as their tribal colours, troop in for a ‘where did it all go wrong’ session.  And an explanation as to why the bed wetting has started again.  Coach Clarko said they won’t give in while they are a mathematical possibility of making September.  Someone should take Clarko aside and explain that there’s more to the equation than being 6&8.  There’s the small matter of having a percentage worse than West Coast’s and then there’s Taylor’s recurrent knee problem; it contacted an opponent’s head this time.  Maybe they should be drawing the line in the sand out there at Waverly and asking those who don’t want to play under the coach’s instructions to step across it.  And out the door.  They play North Melbourne next, who also believe they have a mathematical possibly of making it to September, in a crucial Eight Point contest at Yawk Park on the Sunday.  But this result was as much about The Winners as Round XIV’s Biggest Loser.  The Doggies displayed a game that is worthy of September and, with all their stars shining brightly, capable of making it to TLSIS.  Their field kicking is superbly accurate, especially their long game, and they have sure hands.  They have plenty of pace and love a run down.  Ask Sam Mitchell.  They have The Blockbuster next week when they open proceedings against The Woodsmen.

SYDNEY 3.4       7.6       11.7     15.10   (100)

NTH MELB              3.3       8.5       10.6       13.7     (85)

The Bloods v The Shinboners.  Mrs O’Loughlin’s littler boy Mickey will be sorely missed after he hangs up the Nikes.  Missed by both the Sydney Faithful and Students of The Game.  He booted a trade mark Mickey Oh snap across his body to seal this one for The Bloods keep their ever so slender September Chances alive.  For The Visitors, they’re still seeking a win for Caretaker Coach Darren Crocker.  The Swans have The Bombers OTR next Saturday night at home.  The Shinboners have a Sunday match down in Lonny against a team they just love to play.

ST KILDA                 5.3       8.4       10.5     14.7     (91)

GEEELONG             2.2       5.5         8.7     13.7     (85)

The Feeling Faints v The Handbags.  We’ve all read the papers and watched the match.  And howled at a couple of soft 50m penalties to Geelong that proved productive.  The one gifted to Brownlow Aspirant Ablett was actually a travesty.  Twice he tried to run around the mark and was held up both times.  It should have been play-on.  As it was, in the shadows of quarter time, that sympathy major opened The Handbags’ goal scoring for the match.  The jump start served The Sainters well, and they deserved their win.  They were never headed, and let’s face it, at times there in the 2^nd half they made enough mistakes to allow The Cats back into the contest.  But they steadied, and as they have done all season, Came Marching In.  Jimmy Bartell showed why he has a Brownlow Medal and Ablett hasn’t.  He tried his heart out all day, but as hard as he tried to bring his teammates into the contest, Lenny Hayes tried Harder.  Full Back of the 21^st Century, Matthew Scarlett, claimed in his post match press conference that the poor call of advantage cost Geelong the match.  Wrong Matthew.  St Riewoldt’s Captain’s Goal from wide out on wing half forward cost you the game.  Misses by Nick Del Santo , Kossy & St Riewoldt in that frantic period mid Last Quarter could have all iced the match and TLSJOF must have had their hearts in their mouths and their heads in their hands as gettable shots went wide of the mark.  True, The Moggies missed Johnson.  He’s their only reliable forward.  He’s their only class forward.  (There’s talk around the front bar at the Great Western that Big Dork Hawkins could be replaced by Long Tom Lonergan.  Good luck with that one)  Once again The Cats’ absence of forward authority was exposed.  But something else that was exposed was their lack of real pace.  And it was Varcoe who exposed it.  He made his teammates look slow.  Sure, Ablett and Chapman move the ball quickly, and they turned the game around whenever they slipped their taggers and created space.  The other weakness the match revealed was that Geelong have no answer to Kossy & St Riewoldt.  The kindest thing would have been for Michael Gardiner to knock out Harry Taylor in the 1^st five minutes.  Rossy Lyon would have been sure to pull The Jubilant Saints aside and tell them they can play better.  The Pussies can only get Johnson and Ottens back.  The Seagulls can call on Stephen King to relieve the pressure on Gardiner and apply it to his replacement down at Sleepy Hollow.  The loss may yet be more devastating.  If all things remain equal, it puts them in a Qualifying Final against The Greyhounds from The Western Kennels.  And they would have had the stopwatch on The Sleepy Cats down at the Rose Bowl.  You want a big statement?  The Fearless Felines are not guaranteed an appearance on TLSIS.

THE CANARIES     1.4       7.8       9.14     16.19   (115)

FLAKY FREO           6.2       9.7       13.8     15.10   (100)

Flaky Freo v Round XIII’s Biggest Loser.  The Canaries nearly became Round XIV’s Biggest Loser over at Port Fremantle on Sunday evening.  Playing in the Chartreuse All Carlton Knows they eventually climbed aboard the Juddanaught to ride home to Victory.  Without Pavlich, the leaderless Dockers were eventually overrun by the more accomplished Lemons.  Like a Melbourne train in a heat wave, Carlton are coming.  But there may be delays while they get the tracks straightened out.  They have a different RICHMOND side to the one they annihilated in Round I, at the G on Saturday arvo.  The Barry Crockers have The Sparkling Chardonnays at Crow Park on Saturday night.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

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