Round 13 – Review: Freedumb


If it didn’t on free to air it didn’t happen


It was the split round on a dummy spitting weekend of footy. Fewer matches could have meant more time for insight and analysis, but on free to air it was less time for footy and more time for self promotion and self congratulations.


The Roos took it up to the Hawks on Friday night with a bruising opening to the match that left the players with more ripped tops than a Beatles dash to the limo. North bouncered the hawks out of the footy nightclub and it put them off their game with the Roos backline holding fast and the perceived pressure derailing Hawthorn’s usual pinpoint passes making Bruce satchmo his vowels with excitement. I enjoyed North sustained attack on the Hawks like watching the school bully getting his front teeth knocked on the water bubbler, when a nerd accidentally bumps into him. The Roos beat the Hawks for most of the game all over the ground, but shanked kicks from set shots and coughed up the pill more than a five year old having a tanty.


By the end of the game I thought I’d accidentally tuned into the Tony awards as players dramatically threw themselves under tackles looking for a free. The tenacious umpiring of the modern game, necessary because a player or coach will bend the rules any way they can to get an advantage, has led to players asking, nay, begging for frees. Spread eagled arms and shocked open mouthed Neighbours-level acting pleads from tackling players or those just near another player at the boundary line makes a game of AFL look like a production of ‘Oliver’ as the players beg for more. The Thomas who cried Wolf didn’t get frees when he should, but Hawthorn’s Sicily got them when he had more shrugs than the Treasurer as the umpires tried desperately to deal with this influx of amateur theatre into footy. In the end North lost because a final free wasn’t given in front of goals to a Roos player who  stacked on an Olivier, but it turned out to be a Keanu. The Hawks took home the most undeserving win of the weekend trophy.


The weekend’s only other game was the Doggies versus the Cats on Saturday night. Unfortunately the Doggies were like the ‘If it’s not on, it’s not on’ condom commercial. The Dogs weren’t on. It was catch up footy all night for the Western Bulldogs as they missed passes and affected turnovers as the Cats took them to car park, monstering  them with bumps, thumps and Brereton struts.


With the game a non-event the commentators took to the stats, hiding their ignorance and lack of insight behind facts and figures with copy and paste precision. The straight arm ‘don’t argue’ which the same commentators claimed was only performed by little Dusty Martin, suddenly Colin Cowdreyed its way back into the game.’ Straight armed’, ‘pushed off’ and “puts his hand in the chest’ were benched from commentary as ‘the don’t argue’ zika virused our ears.The Cats won the game and Paddy Dangerfield took home The Non-Sexual Pat on the Arse Award for player of the match again.


Article Stats

the:  68 times

and: 15 times

footy:  5 times

game: 9 times

don’t argue: 2 times



  1. Matt – not a bad effort, but next time I want to see more hard word gets. I hardly saw a word over 6 letters long! (Unless it was the plural). That’s just plain bloody lazy. Lift son!

  2. E.regnans says

    Love it MattyQ.
    “zika virused our ears..”

    And the Most Appropriate Use of Statistics in Sporting Column or Broadcast goes to:

  3. Daniel Flesch says

    Just wondering , Matt, how North’s “shanked kicks from set shots and coughed up the pill more than a five year old having a tanty” translates into ” The Hawks took home the most undeserving win of the weekend trophy.”

  4. Matt Quartermaine says

    Thanks Dips, I realise Geelong is a 7 letter word.
    Appreciated Dave.
    Daniel maybe you should re-read the piece and look at the tone and intent of the article. Hint: Most undeserving win of the weekend is not a real trophy. Cheers

Leave a Comment