Round 12 – Melbourne v Collingwood: MCC list cloggers

 

 

 

It was a biannual feast for Dees fans. Most had made sure that the tickets they booked on Boxing Day were cherry-ripe for a day at the football.

 

Miles caught up with Giles and they introduced their new girlfriends Cecilia and Cordelia. They all had a mutual friend named Jack of course who also makes the supreme effort to attend on ‘The Birthday’ to catch up with Joshua, Bedilia Gordon and Ophelia.

 

The only Jack I’ve ever known was introduced to me courtesy of Bronny in the car park of the Preston Hotel in the summer of 1987.

 

I’m with the usually nihilistic brother Tim, who seems to have a misplaced place confidence about today’s game. “I tipped Collingwood because I reckon we’re not that bad and Melbourne are ordinary.” Fair enough. “The inclusion of Witts should make all the difference” I say to him with my inevitable sarcasm.

 

Tim has never recovered from the 5 cent bet he lost to a St Kilda fan in 1966. I still don’t know if he is more upset about losing the bet or Collingwood losing the Grand Final.

 

We are deep in the forward pocket today because Olivia, Reginald, Pru, Darcy, Octavia, Nathaniel, Genevieve, Oscar, Virginia, Gareth and Amelia along with their guests, have decided to have a day out to honour the MCC memberships bestowed on them by their forefathers Edward, Charles, Rupert, Cecil, Sebastian and Felix.

 

I grab Tim’s binoculars and look around. To my left I see aerobicised arses, vitamin E enriched skins with just enough pinkish hue to allow for the occasional danish and perhaps even a four n twenty pie. Once a year we allow a bit of indulgence. I see $800 dollar sports jackets, tartan blue and red scarfs, pillars of superior nutrition and the progeny of a superior quality of sprog, sporting blue beanies for the ‘Freeze’.

 

I turn the binoculars to the right and I see my Collingwood brethren, noses and lips almost touching in a defiant snarl, out-of-shape bodies with a tendency toward obesity. The result of following the Pies too passionately and seeking comfort in yeast, pastry and sugar. Beanies skewed, footy jumpers still carrying ‘The Spicers Paper’ sponsorship from 1995. Blotched skin, over-dyed hair baked bean teeth, too much invested in a team and club that cares more about keeping jobs for their own than giving a toss about what their fans feel and think.

 

We begin well enough with Cox and White providing targets to the creative ground play of Sidebottom, Varcoe, Treloar and Pendles. Tim is feeling ebullient and even I am seduced into thinking that this might just be our day.

 

By the 15 minute mark of the second quarter the Dees have slammed on 6 goals and hold a commanding lead, sending their cymbalist clapping once a year faithful into restrained rapture.

By half-time the upper lips of the Magpie faithful are fully pressed into their snot-filled noses, hardened by breathing in the fumes of the still comparatively industrial Northern corridor which at once gives them identity yet takes years of their lives. Bit like their football club.

 

The turnovers, poor decisions, lack of vision, aversion to effort, one-dimensional game strategy, Jarryd Blair leading like a key forward and Jarrod Witts lumbering like a camel that has been anally interfered with finally snap the patience of Black and White believers. Three-quarter-time sees many lumber, shuffle, wobble and meander to the exits hoping to catch the early train headed for South Morang.

 

Last week Tim and I were disgusted. This week we depart at the 10 minute mark of the last quarter resigned. Resigned to the fact that our football club has no idea what they are doing as we slump to 14th spot on the ladder. In most competitions around the world Collingwood would be in danger of being relegated.

 

We turn on the radio and calls for Buckley’s scalp are numerous and aggressive. I can’t blame them. Any other coach would have been let go by now judging on performance. As the vitriol spews forth through the 3AW dial, I imagine the aforementioned Dees fans at the siren.

 

They have discovered who Max Gawn is and are already jotting down potential baby names like Christian, Clayton and of course, Jack. I picture the air kisses, diary entries for a chat and a glass of pinot noir in the Long Room before next year’s ‘Birthday’ round.

 

“See you next year”.

 

List cloggers all around.

 

 

MELBOURNE             2.4    9.6    11.7   16.8      (104)
COLLINGWOOD        4.4    5.4    6.6      8.10     (58)        

GOALS
Melbourne:
 Hogan 3, Kent 3, Gawn 3, Watts 2, Viney, Trengove, Petracca, N Jones, Kennedy
Collingwood: Cox 2, Maynard, White, Sidebottom, Varcoe, Greenwood, Grundy

BEST
Melbourne:
 Gawn, Vince, N Jones, Kent, T McDonald, Tyson, Hogan, Bugg, Kennedy
Collingwood: Treloar, Pendlebury, Howe, De Goey, Varcoe

INJURIES
Melbourne:
 vandenBerg (nose)
Collingwood: J Frost (shoulder), Reid (left knee), Pendlebury (left ankle)

Reports: Nil

Umpires: Nicholls, Jeffery, Wallace

Official crowd: 60,158 at the MCG

 

FAlmanac banner sq

About Phillip Dimitriadis

Carer/Teacher/Writer. Author of Fandemic: Travels in Footy Mythology. World view influenced by Johnny Cash, Krishnamurti, Larry David, Toni Morrison and Billy Picken.

Comments

  1. David Bridie says:

    That was like listening to the Coodabeens Phil
    Its easy to barrack for a team that everyone supports …Collingwood,Chelsea,Man U,Essendon…it’s like breathing air.Try following a side with a small supporter base, little success and one friday night game a year .Now thats football barracking! Go you Redlegs!

  2. Very funny Phil!

    What, pray God, would happen if Cordelia fell in love with Braydon? (or Maverick, or Ace, or Kaydon, or Dane, or Axle).

    My grandfather, John, was always called Jack. Came out of the Railways.

    The Pies look GORN (or is that Gawn). Impossible season to work out.

  3. DBalassone says:

    ‘Pass the chardonnay, Charlie.’
    ‘Of course, what a great win old sport.’
    ‘Let’s get the old boys together tonight and celebrate.’
    ‘Okay, meet you at the club; just have to pop home and get the bow tie from Dot.’

  4. Funnily enough, AEROBICISED ARSES is an anagram of BARASSI IS CORE DEE.

  5. I love it Phil. Yep skiing season brings on the best of the Dees.

    Driving up the HUme to Corowa on Saturday there were an enormous amount of Range Rovers etc heading north. Mount Hotham, here we come. I said to Maryanne they’ll return on Monday for the footy. I must have been right.

    Phil i’d be staggered if Olivia, Reginald, Cecilia, Gareth and Amelia were not amongst those who driving north in their Range Rovers.

    Glen!

  6. Stone Cold Steve Baker says:

    I feel you Phil.

    Q’sBH, ANZAC Day and Boxing Day: the three worst days to be in the Reserve without exception.

  7. “By half-time the upper lips of the Magpie faithful are fully pressed into their snot-filled noses, hardened by breathing in the fumes of the still comparatively industrial Northern corridor which at once gives them identity yet takes years of their lives. Bit like their football club.”

    Superb.

    I boycotted yesterday’s game on the basis of the galactic stupidity of picking Witts, Grundy & Cox in the same team.

    We have none of our first choice forward line left to pick from and our backline is likewise carrying too much inexperience/incompetence. However, the CFC football department is taking their turd sandwich and smearing it all over the wall.

    Cloke has been ‘terribly out of form’ according to Buckley. One could suggest the coach is fairing even worse.

    Hopefully Ed’s ice bath might have jolted his senses. Time to go Ed, Pert & sad to say it, Bucks.

  8. Neil Anderson says:

    I thought I was pretty observant at the footy getting the best stories from the crowd as well as from the oval. After reading your brilliant piece I realize now I notice very little.
    The Coodabeens started their program on Saturday with the Barry Humphries ditty called ‘ Snow Complications’ as they always do this time of year. Lots of public schoolboys heading to the snow and taking over the family ski-lodge with a few snow-bunnies, then heading home, but not before doing a bit of business for the old man. It would be interesting to compare the names Barry used with your lot in 2016.

  9. Dave Brown says:

    Delightful. Looking forward to the members’ enclosure analysis of the Carlton v Collingwood game coming up in a few weeks.

  10. I’m just worried for the camel.

  11. Peter_B says:

    Class warfare is the last resort of the scoundrel. Just like only n’s can call another n n, I guess only a Collingwood diehard can denigrate the dental and physical hygiene of his comrades.
    Splendid stuff Phil – a 7.8 rant on the Richter Scale.
    Shout out to GIggs – I heard GWhateley (or Luke Nolan on ice as we call him) acknowledge that Giggs “from the Almanac” had alerted him that this could be the first round where all the winners kicked over 100 points and the losers under. Collingwood’s incompetence fulfilled the deal (with my Eagles winning Best Actor in a Supporting Role).

  12. Andrew Starkie says:

    Sour grapes, Phil.

    At this year’s AGM, I’m going to request all Cwood supporters are struck off the members’ list. I’m sure the Forster-Smythes will support me. I’m not sure how a boy from Queenstown slipped through.

  13. Trucker Slim says:

    Did you get a Jack Daniels joke in there as well Mr L Bogan? Great stuff. Country singers and George Thorogood (who, I’m sure older Pies fans are fans of) have been doing the Jack Daniels joke for a very long time!

    By the way, Charlotte and Henry are the two most popular baby names for the wealthy and Holden and Nevaeh (spell it backwards) for your lot.

    Chin chin.

  14. jan courtin says:

    Great read Phil. No matter how hard I might even think of trying, I can’t possibly have any sympathy for anything black and white. Sorry!

  15. John Butler says:

    Misery and contempt bring the best out of you Phil. What does your shrink have to say about that?

    While I’m still laughing, perhaps a serious question. Has the great Kirribilli compact permanently fractured relationships at Collingwood? Undermined Buckley’s legitimacy a la Gillard?

    I feel like everyone involved has had too much to prove ever since. Consequently, they’ve tried too hard.

    Your thoughts?

  16. Luke Reynolds says:

    Brilliant Phil. And sadly all too true.

    “The only Jack I’ve ever known was introduced to me courtesy of Bronny in the car park of the Preston Hotel in the summer of 1987.” A standout line in a piece full of standout lines.

    After a few good games, Jesse White is back to his usual self. Just knew he’d miss that set shot from 20 out. The ultimate list clogger.

     

  17. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says:

    Hey Phil, waddabout Jacks Frost and Anthony. And you had a Tarkyn and a Rupert. Frauds.

  18. Luke Reynolds says:

    Swish, the gentrification of Collingwood the suburb sometimes trickles on to the football club. But only occasionally….

  19. Danielle says:

    Fookin.
    Im glad i missed this. On a plane home from Sydney hangover n my main priority was making sure my bridesmaid bouquet wasnt being squashed in my carry on.
    What a shit season.

  20. Melbourne supporters, they do have lovely teeth.
    All are equal at the football, but some are more equal than others. Go tigers!

  21. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    Cheers all and thank you for your comments. If all else fails, indulging in a little bit of gratuitous stereotyping helps see me through.

    David – Coodabeens have definitely provided plenty of material over the years. Your Dees were very good and could possibly pinch 8th spot. Pump up the volume on that golf clapping !!

    Dips – We played three ruckmen to take on Gawn and he talk all of them to the cleaners. Cordelia would never contaminate her gene pool by falling for a Braydon. Doesn’t happen in the real world as it would mean Cordelia and the fam may have to cross the Yarra. Heaven forbid such a ghastly thought.

    Damo – That number 23, was it Vincent Bernard ? And of course Nathaniel Jones, Christian and Maximilian Gawn, number 11 me thinks, will provide much amusement as we sip our brandy on match day.

    Gigs – That’s a classic mate. Although I am showing my age by writing ‘Aerobicised’. More contemporary version would be ‘Pilaticised’ . Got an anagram for that?

    Stone Cold – The Reserve brings out the class divide on the days you mention. New skin of old money comes out to play on those days. I’m still a restricted member after 15 years. What’s going on there?

    JD – Ed in the ice bath got the biggest cheer from the Ponsford all day. Witts and Blair should never be allowed to enter an AFL arena again. Beyond a joke now. Just got to hope that we have no injuries in 2017 because that will be Bucks’ South Morang Station. No finals next year = new coach and a big clean out from top to bottom.

    Neil – Yes, Barry H is still one of our greatest satirists. Why do they call them ‘Public School’ boys when they are really elite ‘Private School’ boys? Good time to be a Doggies fan at the moment. They will go close this year with a bit of luck. Hope so anyway.

    Dave – Carlton tends to bring out the worst in me so might have to bring out the extra-powerful binoculars for that one!

    Mickey – Camel rides for Melbourne fans and camel toes for Collingwood. You know what I mean…

    PB – Not sure what it’s like in Perth regarding class during the Derby, but the divide between old money, middle-class wannabees like Tim and me and the Ponsford plebs is very distinct on ‘The Birthday’.

    Starkers – When I was nominated in 1990 my surname was Demis. When the membership came through in 2002 I had changed back to Dimitriadis. My membership says: Phillip Dimitriadis-Demis. Does this make me the only Greek hyphen in the MCC?

    Slim – Spent many a night at the Preston Hotel, Cramer’s, Olympic playing George Thorogood on the juke box late 80s/early 90s. Bad to the Bone and I Drink Alone were staples washed down with VB and Barbecue Samboys. I think Charlotte and Henry are the go-to names for those residing in Thornbury nowadays. That’s gentrification for you.

    Jan – Can’t say I can blame you. We’re not the easiest bunch of fans to empathise with. Imagine having to confront that fact in the mirror everyday?

    JB – Not surprisingly, my shrink barracks for Collingwood. We spend about half the session mulling over Magpie fortunes. He has told me that it is good therapy for him, too. He encourages me to vent at every possible opportunity. Kirribilli agreement will eventually prove cathartic, and their will be casualties if things don’t improve in 2017. Anything less than a finals birth will bring in change. Has to.

    Luke – Oh Bronny. Can still taste the hairspray among other things. Jesse is the deep vein thrombosis of list cloggers. He has quite a few mates though. The Shawry years aren’t looking so bad now. Jeez this is depressing.

    Danielle -Fookin, fook. I wish I was on a plane with a hangover. WTAF??

  22. We even make list cloggers part of the leadership group, such is the dire lack of level headed thinking going on this year.

    The Caff is a popular clubman etc but blind Freddie could see he would struggle to get a game after multiple recos and a host of players already filling his role.

  23. Andrew Starkie says:

    it does , Phil. You may be the last. Catch up soon, mate.

  24. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    Swish – Occasionally the odd Jack falls through the cracks. That’s gentrification as Luke points out. Tarkyn (Tarquin?) and Rupert were nothing more than exotic anomalies. It can happen at any club.

    JD – Caff is stiff, but as you point out this club seems bereft of leadership on so many levels in 2016. Don’t really see many, other than Adams, putting their hand up to fill the breach.

    Dugald – Show me your teeth and I’ll tell you who you barrack for. Getting a bit harder to pick with all the bleaching and whitening going on these days !!

  25. Splendid stuff old fruit, but you seem to have overlooked the penchant for hyphenated surnames these days to go with Arabella et al! “By 2020, no child in this country will live with a single surname.” Labor Party policy. Me, I can’t wait for an affected Hollingsworth-Entwhistle to marry a Throgmorton-Abercrombie and see what their children are called…

  26. Rick Kane says:

    Great to catch up with you yesterday Phil, always enjoy your company and perspective.

    Did you catch the Coodabeens this morning on 774? They sung a song called From The Get-go to the tune of Elvis’ From the Ghetto. Apparently it’s a phrase Bucks use a lot. Song was hilarious, with great punch line, “And in Montmorency a young baby cries because he knows he’ll be a Pie for life” or something like that. Cheers

  27. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    Thanks Bucko, old bean. That’s a cracker. Could you imagine? Hamish Hollingswoth-Entwhistle Jnr and his partner Cressida Throgmorton-Abercrombie are capitally delighted to announce the arrival of their twins Bartholomew and Penelope. They will call them Bart and Penny to save space on the Membership forms. Bloody form cloggers !! You really could have a competition here for the most ridiculous posh names.

    Cheers Rick/Slim. Good seeing and chatting with you too. Hope you didn’t take a chance with a traveller going home. A definite sign of gentrification are the speed humps and the 40k zones. Bad ideas from the Get-go. Heard that on the Coodabeens – very funny.
    Hawks are poised now. Brilliant last night. Just when you think you’ve got ’em up pops Sicily to be the match-winner. How do you keep producing them?

Leave a Comment

*