Round 11 – Collingwood v Port Adelaide: 67 Shades of Insipid


Collingwood had me reaching for the Thesaurus after their effort against Port today. They may have injuries, but this performance was by far the worst this season. I’ve had it!! One quarter in a practice match against the Cats and the first quarter against the Cats a fortnight ago have been the best my club could give me so far in 2016. The richest and most famous sporting club in Australia !!


The lowest crowd since 1999 speaks volumes for where this club is at the moment. They are staying away in droves Bucks and Eddie. Injuries? Why so many so often since 2012? Game-plan? Shouldn’t you be professional enough to have a game-plan tailored to outplay, outsmart and outskill the other 17 sides? All I’ve seen for 5 years is a full press that gets sliced open too often by sides who score like Primary School kids in the yard. Just get it over the top and we’re done. Soft goals, easy targets, zero accountability. Today was putrid and the excuses have officially worn thin with this fan of 42 years.


Give me a bunch of losing Grand Finals anytime. At least I can say I got my money’s worth right until the very end. In 2016 the first week of winter has proclaimed the death of Collingwood’s season. This was the appraisal that the Thesaurus came up with for today:


1 Banal  –  White


2 Bland – Cloke


3 Ho-hum – Toovey


4 Innocuous – Treloar


5 Trite – Pendlebury


6 Vapid – Crisp


7 Anaemic – Frost


8 Arid – Oxley


9 Beige – Reid


10 Blah – Smith


11 Characterless – Varcoe


12 Colorless – Grundy


13 Commonplace – Goodyear


14 Dead – Blair


15 Drab – De Goey


16 Driveling – Cloke


17 Dry – Maynard


18 Feeble – White


19 Flat – White


20 Inane star- Blair


21 Jejune – Crocker


22 Lifeless – Toovey


23 Limp – Crisp


24 Mild – Smith


25 Mundane – Blair


26 Nebbish – Cloke


27 Nothing – Cloke


28 Ordinary – Pendlebury


29 Plain – Greenwood


30 Pointless – Blair


31 Prosaic – Buckley


32 Prosy – Buckley


33 Slight star- Goodyear


34 Soft – White


35 Spiritless – Smith


36 Stale – Cloke


37 Stupid – Cloke


38 Subdued – De Goey


39 Tame – Maynard


40 Tedious – Blair


41 Tenuous – Grundy


42 Thin – Goodyear


43 Tired – Varcoe


44 Unimaginative – Treloar


45 Watery – Sinclair


46 Weak – White


47 Weariful – Blair


48 Wearisome – Blair


49 Wishy-washy – White


50 Bush-league – Frost


51 Incompetent – Blair


52 Inept – Cloke


53 Inexperienced – Crocker


54 Inexpert – Oxley


55 Insipid – Greenwood


56 Unskilled-Blair


57 Untrained-Goodyear


58 Pedestrian – Pendlebury


59 Unoriginal – Buckley


60 Hackneyed -Buckley


61 Well-Worn – Toovey


62 Moth-Eaten – Cloke


63 Lacklustre – Crisp


64 Irksome – Blair


65 Shop-Worn – Cloke


66 Overused – Blair


67 Uninspiring – Buckley


This performance was a scarf-stomping, membership-nuking, beanie-tossing,jumper-ripping, badge-smashing, wireless-throwing, SEN-calling, Caro-Sourcing, Robbo-Moaning, Gerard-Nostril-flaring, Eddie-Face-flushing, Litsa-cackling pukefest.


You want my patronage, money, energy, time and support for the rest of the year? You need to make changes. The first step is to become aware of your own bullshit. Starting today.


COLLINGWOOD        3.3  5.10 6.13 7.16 (58)
PORT ADELAIDE      5.2  10.5 15.9 19.11 (125)


Collingwood: Sidebottom 2, Cox 2, Pendlebury, De Goey, Grundy
Port Adelaide: Neade 4, Young 4, Wingard 3, R Gray, Boak, Trengove, Westhoff, Neade, Hartlett, Impey, S Gray


Collingwood: Pendlebury, Howe, Greenwood, Treloar, Sidebottom
Port Adelaide: Impey, Young, R Gray, Dixon, Wingard, Hartlett, Neade, Wines


Collingwood: Howe (left knee)
Port Adelaide: Boak (ankle)


Reports: Nil


Umpires: Fisher, Schmitt, Meredith


Official crowd: 28,567 at the MCG

About Phillip Dimitriadis

Carer/Teacher/Writer. Author of Fandemic: Travels in Footy Mythology. World view influenced by Johnny Cash, Krishnamurti, Larry David, Toni Morrison and Billy Picken.


  1. The People's Elbow says

    Can confirm I’m cackling…

  2. Wow, that was the Hiroshima of Lord Bogan bakes. I could probably narrow it down to two adjectives; pukefest and insipid.

    Maybe a bit harsh on Trav, and unfortunately Treloar put in his first ordinary performance for the year. By the end even Pendles caught the disease. Jesse had the Thesaurus covered.

    Playing 3 tall forwards in those conditions was pretty dumb, though with Fasolo, Broomhead, Swan and Elliott all injured the pantry is pretty bare for alternatives.

    I thought we’d done away with that idiotic press – yesterday was a day made for old fashioned man on man. As I said a few weeks ago, a very wide broom needs to be swept through the club. Unfortunately those at the top of the tree appear to have built a fortress around themselves and there appears to be no one prepared to stand up as an alternative. Very depressing state of affairs.

  3. Tony robb says

    Still a couple of seats on the Carlton bang wagon Phil. What brief redemption Buckley had is surely gone. He is indeed Mick’s apprentice. Great spray

  4. The New Carlton? I read that Bucks thinks they may be tired. The players or the 40,000 fans on the long term injury list?
    Thanks for reminding me that there are others less fortunate Phil.

  5. Jejune – did you really have to go there?

    Great spray Phil.

  6. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    I’m sure Clark W Griswald would be a Pie fan. From the promise of finals to Jelly of the Month Club in a few short, painful weeks:

  7. Nebbish , like it, you’ve added to my lexicon

  8. Luke Reynolds says

    Sadly Phil, I cannot disagree with anything you said. What a disgusting performance yesterday.
    No spirit. Our skills have been deplorable for quite some time now.
    Getting very hard to keep the faith at the moment. Thousand of Pies fans have seemingly lost all faith going by yesterday’s crowd.

  9. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Thanks Kate, a few too many nebbish types at Pies right now.

    JD and Luke, Who in their right mind plays 4 talls in those conditions? Or handballs like it’s a dry day, or looks for Blair as a marking option up forward?
    11 and a few coaches players who need to be seriously assessed at the end of the year.
    N. Brown
    Coaches – Buckley , Rocca (Brains rust?) Lockyer, Harvey, Hart. Too much of a mates club for my liking. Thoughts?

  10. Luke Reynolds says

    Phil, no one in their right mind plays 4 talls in those conditions.
    The players you mentioned-
    Blair- thanks for your service, not up to it anymore
    Toovey- sadly he’s done
    White- wasting our time. No way can he be on our list next year.
    Cloke- no confidence, career on the line. Don’t want to see White playing ahead of him ever again
    Witts- I’d keep him, shown a bit at times, still developing, still young, ruckmen take time
    Macaffer- way too slow now, he’s done
    Sinclair- he’s been ok, really needs to step up this and next season
    Greenwood- good tagger, absolutely appalling disposal, we’re stuck with him on good coin for the next 2 years
    Goldsack-needs to show a lot for the rest of the year. Maybe another season
    Gault- not good enough
    N.Brown- In the same boat as Goldsack.

    Frost has slipped into the Gault category.

  11. John Butler says

    So Phil. Am I to take it you were dissatisfied with Sunday’s events?

    Are Collingwood even a thing anymore?

  12. E.regnans says

    As a Collingwood supporter – this is a disappointing result.
    As someone interested in the “why do we do what we do?” of life – this is a fascinating result.

    What is going on?
    The choir master teaching a song beyond the capabilities of the choir?
    Chorusters not following instructions?
    Improvising solo lines when a 3-part team harmony is called for?

    Just beaten by a more organised opponent?
    (Why were they more organised?)

  13. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Luke – I reckon we need to cut Frost a bit of slack. He has shown enough ability to offset his current slum, but you’re right, it wouldn’t want to continue for much longer.

    JB – A crisis of identity perhaps? Weren’t your Baggers gong through something similar just a year ago? It can turn around quickly and attendances are telling Eddie and co that we are not at all pleased with the current state of affairs. Something has to give, eventually.

    ER – On one level it is intriguing to observe how it seemed to work against Geelong and for 3 quarters against the Dogs. The Chorusters were following instructions then.

    Sunday was a deranged Pink Floyd moment ala “If the band you’re in starts playing different tunes”. Let’s hope buck doesn’t end up like the Syd Barrett of coaches in Collingwood’s history.

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