Round 11 – Collingwood v Port Adelaide: 67 Shades of Insipid
Collingwood had me reaching for the Thesaurus after their effort against Port today. They may have injuries, but this performance was by far the worst this season. I’ve had it!! One quarter in a practice match against the Cats and the first quarter against the Cats a fortnight ago have been the best my club could give me so far in 2016. The richest and most famous sporting club in Australia !!
The lowest crowd since 1999 speaks volumes for where this club is at the moment. They are staying away in droves Bucks and Eddie. Injuries? Why so many so often since 2012? Game-plan? Shouldn’t you be professional enough to have a game-plan tailored to outplay, outsmart and outskill the other 17 sides? All I’ve seen for 5 years is a full press that gets sliced open too often by sides who score like Primary School kids in the yard. Just get it over the top and we’re done. Soft goals, easy targets, zero accountability. Today was putrid and the excuses have officially worn thin with this fan of 42 years.
Give me a bunch of losing Grand Finals anytime. At least I can say I got my money’s worth right until the very end. In 2016 the first week of winter has proclaimed the death of Collingwood’s season. This was the appraisal that the Thesaurus came up with for today:
1 Banal – White
2 Bland – Cloke
3 Ho-hum – Toovey
4 Innocuous – Treloar
5 Trite – Pendlebury
6 Vapid – Crisp
7 Anaemic – Frost
8 Arid – Oxley
9 Beige – Reid
10 Blah – Smith
11 Characterless – Varcoe
12 Colorless – Grundy
13 Commonplace – Goodyear
14 Dead – Blair
15 Drab – De Goey
16 Driveling – Cloke
17 Dry – Maynard
18 Feeble – White
19 Flat – White
20 Inane star- Blair
21 Jejune – Crocker
22 Lifeless – Toovey
23 Limp – Crisp
24 Mild – Smith
25 Mundane – Blair
26 Nebbish – Cloke
27 Nothing – Cloke
28 Ordinary – Pendlebury
29 Plain – Greenwood
30 Pointless – Blair
31 Prosaic – Buckley
32 Prosy – Buckley
33 Slight star- Goodyear
34 Soft – White
35 Spiritless – Smith
36 Stale – Cloke
37 Stupid – Cloke
38 Subdued – De Goey
39 Tame – Maynard
40 Tedious – Blair
41 Tenuous – Grundy
42 Thin – Goodyear
43 Tired – Varcoe
44 Unimaginative – Treloar
45 Watery – Sinclair
46 Weak – White
47 Weariful – Blair
48 Wearisome – Blair
49 Wishy-washy – White
50 Bush-league – Frost
51 Incompetent – Blair
52 Inept – Cloke
53 Inexperienced – Crocker
54 Inexpert – Oxley
55 Insipid – Greenwood
56 Unskilled-Blair
57 Untrained-Goodyear
58 Pedestrian – Pendlebury
59 Unoriginal – Buckley
60 Hackneyed -Buckley
61 Well-Worn – Toovey
62 Moth-Eaten – Cloke
63 Lacklustre – Crisp
64 Irksome – Blair
65 Shop-Worn – Cloke
66 Overused – Blair
67 Uninspiring – Buckley
This performance was a scarf-stomping, membership-nuking, beanie-tossing,jumper-ripping, badge-smashing, wireless-throwing, SEN-calling, Caro-Sourcing, Robbo-Moaning, Gerard-Nostril-flaring, Eddie-Face-flushing, Litsa-cackling pukefest.
You want my patronage, money, energy, time and support for the rest of the year? You need to make changes. The first step is to become aware of your own bullshit. Starting today.
COLLINGWOOD 3.3 5.10 6.13 7.16 (58)
PORT ADELAIDE 5.2 10.5 15.9 19.11 (125)
GOALS
Collingwood: Sidebottom 2, Cox 2, Pendlebury, De Goey, Grundy
Port Adelaide: Neade 4, Young 4, Wingard 3, R Gray, Boak, Trengove, Westhoff, Neade, Hartlett, Impey, S Gray
BEST
Collingwood: Pendlebury, Howe, Greenwood, Treloar, Sidebottom
Port Adelaide: Impey, Young, R Gray, Dixon, Wingard, Hartlett, Neade, Wines
INJURIES
Collingwood: Howe (left knee)
Port Adelaide: Boak (ankle)
Reports: Nil
Umpires: Fisher, Schmitt, Meredith
Official crowd: 28,567 at the MCG
About Phillip Dimitriadis
Carer/Teacher/Writer. Author of Fandemic: Travels in Footy Mythology. World view influenced by Johnny Cash, Krishnamurti, Larry David, Toni Morrison and Billy Picken.
Can confirm I’m cackling…
Wow, that was the Hiroshima of Lord Bogan bakes. I could probably narrow it down to two adjectives; pukefest and insipid.
Maybe a bit harsh on Trav, and unfortunately Treloar put in his first ordinary performance for the year. By the end even Pendles caught the disease. Jesse had the Thesaurus covered.
Playing 3 tall forwards in those conditions was pretty dumb, though with Fasolo, Broomhead, Swan and Elliott all injured the pantry is pretty bare for alternatives.
I thought we’d done away with that idiotic press – yesterday was a day made for old fashioned man on man. As I said a few weeks ago, a very wide broom needs to be swept through the club. Unfortunately those at the top of the tree appear to have built a fortress around themselves and there appears to be no one prepared to stand up as an alternative. Very depressing state of affairs.
Still a couple of seats on the Carlton bang wagon Phil. What brief redemption Buckley had is surely gone. He is indeed Mick’s apprentice. Great spray
cheers
TR
The New Carlton? I read that Bucks thinks they may be tired. The players or the 40,000 fans on the long term injury list?
Thanks for reminding me that there are others less fortunate Phil.
Jejune – did you really have to go there?
Great spray Phil.
I’m sure Clark W Griswald would be a Pie fan. From the promise of finals to Jelly of the Month Club in a few short, painful weeks:
https://youtu.be/TQXuazYI_YU
Nebbish , like it, you’ve added to my lexicon
Sadly Phil, I cannot disagree with anything you said. What a disgusting performance yesterday.
No spirit. Our skills have been deplorable for quite some time now.
Getting very hard to keep the faith at the moment. Thousand of Pies fans have seemingly lost all faith going by yesterday’s crowd.
Thanks Kate, a few too many nebbish types at Pies right now.
JD and Luke, Who in their right mind plays 4 talls in those conditions? Or handballs like it’s a dry day, or looks for Blair as a marking option up forward?
11 and a few coaches players who need to be seriously assessed at the end of the year.
Blair
Toovey
White
Cloke
Witts
Macaffer
Sinclair
Greenwood
Goldsack
Gault
N. Brown
Coaches – Buckley , Rocca (Brains rust?) Lockyer, Harvey, Hart. Too much of a mates club for my liking. Thoughts?
Phil, no one in their right mind plays 4 talls in those conditions.
The players you mentioned-
Blair- thanks for your service, not up to it anymore
Toovey- sadly he’s done
White- wasting our time. No way can he be on our list next year.
Cloke- no confidence, career on the line. Don’t want to see White playing ahead of him ever again
Witts- I’d keep him, shown a bit at times, still developing, still young, ruckmen take time
Macaffer- way too slow now, he’s done
Sinclair- he’s been ok, really needs to step up this and next season
Greenwood- good tagger, absolutely appalling disposal, we’re stuck with him on good coin for the next 2 years
Goldsack-needs to show a lot for the rest of the year. Maybe another season
Gault- not good enough
N.Brown- In the same boat as Goldsack.
Frost has slipped into the Gault category.
So Phil. Am I to take it you were dissatisfied with Sunday’s events?
Are Collingwood even a thing anymore?
As a Collingwood supporter – this is a disappointing result.
As someone interested in the “why do we do what we do?” of life – this is a fascinating result.
What is going on?
The choir master teaching a song beyond the capabilities of the choir?
Chorusters not following instructions?
Improvising solo lines when a 3-part team harmony is called for?
Just beaten by a more organised opponent?
(Why were they more organised?)
Intriguing.
Luke – I reckon we need to cut Frost a bit of slack. He has shown enough ability to offset his current slum, but you’re right, it wouldn’t want to continue for much longer.
JB – A crisis of identity perhaps? Weren’t your Baggers gong through something similar just a year ago? It can turn around quickly and attendances are telling Eddie and co that we are not at all pleased with the current state of affairs. Something has to give, eventually.
ER – On one level it is intriguing to observe how it seemed to work against Geelong and for 3 quarters against the Dogs. The Chorusters were following instructions then.
Sunday was a deranged Pink Floyd moment ala “If the band you’re in starts playing different tunes”. Let’s hope buck doesn’t end up like the Syd Barrett of coaches in Collingwood’s history.