Round 10 – Melbourne v Collingwood: Nac Feed’s 19 things you won’t believe actually happened on Bizarro Cloke Day

Fanning’s 18 goals, Featherby’s 40 kicks, Essendon’s 69 point comeback and their goalless first half in perfect conditions on Saturday night…

Over the decades there’s been many a football feat that elicits a sense of disbelief that grows with the passage of time.  You wonder, what must it have been like to witness that?

Other happenings don’t seem so remarkable until well after the fact e.g. Michael Christian kicking 8 goals as a three quarters pissed Collingwood somehow beat a fully pissed off Essendon in a London exhibition match 7 days after the 1990 Grand Final.

Something just as incredible happened yesterday at the MCG.  In fact many incredible things happened. So many I felt compelled to write them down for posterity.  And just to be sure you’re paying attention, one of the following did not happen.  Can you guess which one it was?

1. I purchased general admission tickets and obtained good seats on level 1.

2. As part of the #FreezeMND campaign Sam Newman slid into an ice pool wearing a Borat mankini. Mick Molloy followed in teeny Tiger budgie smugglers. Neither was charged with public indecency or impersonating a woman.

3. Afflicted by a horrendous terminal disease, a smiling and inspirational Neale Daniher’s positive life force remained undiminished.

4. Perhaps expecting celebrated jazz artist Vince Jones to appear, Melbourne supporters outnumbered the Collingwood contingent. Nonetheless Dees fans, enjoyed a Queen’s Birthday command performance by Bernie Vince and Nathan Jones who racked up 34 disposals apiece.

5. With Heretier Lumumba’s 199 mostly quality games and premiership having slipped their minds, Magpie fans repeatedly booed the player formerly known affectionately as Harry O.

6. Cloke finished the first quarter with 4 goals straight including one from 25m out directly in front.

7. With fast, direct movement and skill Melbourne quickly stormed to the lead having trailed by 5 goals late in the first quarter.

8. Ten minutes into the second term the game tally was 18 goals 3 behinds.

9. Pushed forward onto the ball by a Melbourne opponent, Brodie Grundy was subsequently free kicked under the sliding rule. Melbourne goal.

10. Despite the comfort of being surrounded by several teammates, Melbourne’s Jack Fitzpatrick decided to scoop the ball through the goals as if passing the ball to the quarterback (in this case it might have been Joffa in the Pies cheer squad), thus giving up a momentum sapping major.

11. Wrapped in a suffocating Jack Watts tackle 4 nanoseconds (give or take) after taking possession, Varcoe was penalised in front of Melbourne’s goal for holding the ball.

12. Subsequently lining up for a crucial one 30m out directly in front, Jack Watts kicked truly to put Melbourne back within two goals.

13. Cloke marked strongly and slotted a goal from the boundary, 50m out from the wrong pocket for a left footer.

14. A $4 hot dog was initially too hot and ultimately too big for my son Luke to eat in its entirety.

15. Manhandled in a marking contest, Cloke received a free and nailed a difficult, pivotal set shot with less than 10 minutes remaining.

16. Adam Oxley was allowed by Paul Roos (or dopey forwards, depending on who you believe) to rack up 14 marks as a loose man in defence.

17. Travis Cloke received the Neale Daniher Cup for best on ground having kicked a match winning 7.0.  I’ll say it again, Travis Cloke kicked seven goals straight.

18. More than 66,000 Melbourne and Collingwood fans coexisted at a football match without a single flare, broken chair or hint of violence. A couple ‘by crikey, by jingoes’ may have been uttered within the MCC in the last quarter.

19. A South Morang line ‘football special’ arrived within half an hour of the final siren.

COLLINGWOOD   7.1   11.3   15.4   17.8.110
MELBOURNE         3.1      9.1   13.4     13.7.85

T Cloke 7, J Blair 3, J Elliott 3, A Fasolo, D Swan, P Seedsman, T Broomhead.
Melbourne: J Howe 3, B Vince 2, J Garlett 2, N Jones 2, A Brayshaw, J Fitzpatrick, J Hogan, J Watts.

Cloke, Oxley, Pendlebury, Swan, Elliott, Blair, Williams. Melbourne: Jones, Brayshaw, Vince, Viney, Howe.

Malarkey Medal: Cloke (3), Jones (2), Vince (1)

Matt Stevic, Troy Pannell, Chris Kamolins.

Official Crowd:
66,120 at MCG.

About Jeff Dowsing

Washed up former Inside Sport and Sunday Age Sport freelancer. Now just giving my stuff away to good homes. Not to worry, still have my health and day job. Published & unpublished works fester on my blog Write Line Fever.


  1. Peter Fuller says

    I think my money is on #14, that the hot dog was too much for your young fella.

  2. Nope, not #14 Peter.

    Young feller had almost had his fill before the frank but he did make a good fist of it.

    The funny thing is he’s always been a vegetarian on moral and fussiness grounds, except for hot dogs which are his favourite non-sweet food.

    The unfunny thing will be when he finds out there is actually something approximating meat in those things. Like finding out Santa may not be all he’s cracked up to be, he will be shattered.

  3. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Can’t decide between #1 or #19

  4. Anthony Thomas says

    #1. Though I managed to get good seats on level 4, close to the front. As for #11, I think 4 nanoseconds is being generous… And the South Morang special was closely followed by a Hurstbridge train, with seats available for most passengers – in the second last carriage at least… It truly was an incredible day! Thanks Jeff.

  5. Thanks Anthony. I must have been too slow out of the ground as it seems I missed the South Moron special.

    And I’ve just given it away. Oops.

  6. Luke Reynolds says

    Number 9 was a bewildering decision. Number 10 was all the more ridiculous for Lyndon Dunn’s bemused look and argument with the umpire that it wasn’t a throw. Hope he’s watched it back. Several times.
    I love Bizarro Cloke. Hope to see him more regulary.

  7. Dave Nadel says

    I wouldn’t have believed #15 if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

    #5 is just disappointing. I wonder if the same morons who booed Heritier will boo Heath next week? Neither of these players particularly wanted to leave Collingwood and should not be treated the same way as someone who left for more money (Hello Daisy) The response of the Collingwood players to H after the game should embarrass those idiots who booed him.

  8. Bucks couldn’t believe #15 either Dave. There’s a vid doing the rounds of Bucks exclaiming ‘WTF! Yes!’ It’s hilarious.

    Concur 100% with your thoughts on #5.

  9. Steve Fahey says

    Great report and list Jeff.

    Given these teams kicked 11.23 in the corresponding encounter last year, both the number of goals scored and the accuracy (especially in the first half) was quite amazing.

    Agree with Dave re #5 but do think it was more pantomime booing than enmity booing as Daisy copped. I certainly hope Heater doesn’t get any boos.

  10. DBalassone says

    Agree with SF re #5, there was no malice in the booing, just the fact that he was wearing different laundry. On the subject of Harry, just watching him on Monday I felt a bit sorry for him. I think he played far & away his best footy in 2009-10 on the half-back flank and he perhaps revitalised his career as a wingman in 2013, but during the latter part of last year I reckon the opposition worked him out. He always tries to take them on, and they are right onto him now. Even if he doesn’t get caught, he gets himself into such trouble that by the time he puts boots to ball, he is either off balance or has put his teammates under needless pressure. Very one-dimensional.

    Re #14, great value-for-money, those $4 hot dogs. Smashed down two before the first bounce.

  11. Yeah, you’re probably right Steve & Damo that boos directed at H were more of the tongue in cheek variety (I hope). I’d be shocked if H Shaw receives the same (double standards?).

    When it comes off and Lumumba’s breaking the lines it’s inspiring stuff. He’s an amazing athlete. But too often 2, 3 or 4 broken tackles later it’s stuffed the flow. Can be infuriating for teammates up the ground.

    I reckon Luke would have me take him to the ‘G every other day just for one of those hot dogs.

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