Pumped – John Weldon

Well the footy season started and I have to say I’m excited. Very excited. In fact you could say I’m pumped, which is not to say that I’ve been pumped, because that’s not the same thing at all. I don’t want that. You don’t want that. Nobody wants that.  

I am pumped, as stated, but I have not been pumped. The semantics are subtle, but the end result, should you confuse the two is far from that, so it’s a definition worth spending a little time on, for the sake of football fans everywhere. 

Further, if you should find that you have been pumped – as opposed to being in a state such that you are pumped, without actually having been pumped, a condition which we might describe as perhaps being in a state of immaculate pumpedness – then you will most probably find that you are also under the pump, (the usual position assumed by things which are being pumped), and quite possibly also in the gun. 

Neither of these are desirable places to be. 

You see, if you’re in the gun, than you’re wedged into a tight, and tiny cylindrical space, designed to securely enclose a bullet, and almost certainly you’re in there with a bullet too, which can’t be a good thing. And, if you’re under the pump then you’re more than likely trapped beneath a piece of heavy industrial machinery and that’s never nice. Of course, if the pump in question is a bicycle pump then your situation is perhaps more embarrassing than grave. 

What’s worse, though, is that if you’re in the gun, or under the pump, then you can almost guarantee that someone’s probably on your hammer as well, and the last thing you want, believe me, is to have someone on your hammer, because then, obviously, you can neither access your hammer, nor utilize it in any way (for instance, to perhaps free yourself either from within the gun or from your position under the pump) because ipso facto, it is under the person who is on it. 

Word to the wise: keep your hammer close at all times, especially early in the season. 

But don’t get ahead of yourself, hammer-wise or other wise, because if you do get ahead of yourself, in terms of pumping and or your hammer, then you must, logically and at the same time, also be behind yourself. This situation provides not only for a state of being which contravenes almost all the laws of physics, but it also presents one with the unwelcome possibility of getting on one’s own hammer and maybe even of pumping one’s own self, neither of which are recommended. 

The last pump-point to consider is just how pumped one should be. Currently most people are 110% in favour of being 110% behind, or in favour, or committed to anything, but should this excess of enthusiasm apply to the pump?  I say not. If you’re beyond the 100% mark in your state of immaculate pumpedness then, it’s easy to become over inflated, especially in the ego area, and this can lead to getting ahead of one’s self which can have dire consequences, as outlined above. 

I thank you for your attention and I hope this discussion has helped clear up any misunderstanding in the minds of football followers the country over as they prepare for the season ahead. 

This has been the first of what will be an ongoing series of discussions on the semantics of football speak. Next week: Getting the Pill as Opposed to Being on the Pill; and following that Germaine Greer will discuss the question: The Fat Side of the Ground: is it a feminist issue?