Poetry: If

By Phil Dimitriadis

If Crompton stayed dour in ’64 …

If Potter had’ve kicked in ’66 …

If flooding was aplenty in ’70 …

If Carman plays, heaven in ’77 …

If Harmes lost the line in ’79 …

If KB was not so dainty in ’80 …

If Moore was not undone in ’81 …

If Clokey comes through in ’02 …

If Rocca lets Lade free in ’03 …

If we had a few seconds in ’07 …

If they weren’t up late in ’08 …

If Pendles’ leg is fine in ’09 …

If Bucks could lead men in ’10 …

My life would be different, if …

About Phillip Dimitriadis

Carer/Teacher/Writer. Author of Fandemic: Travels in Footy Mythology. World view influenced by Johnny Cash, Krishnamurti, Larry David, Toni Morrison and Billy Picken.


  1. Phil – few comments.

    If KB wasn’t so dainty in ’80 you still would have lost by at least 6 goals.
    If you had a few more seconds in ’07 it wouldn’t have made any difference.

    Otherwise plenty of other valid “ifs”

  2. Stephen Cooke says

    I’m bemused that Collingwood fans think the result would have been different in 2003 if Rocca had played. I seem to remember the Pies were hardly competitive and lost by 50 points. How would Rocca have made the difference?

  3. Phil Dimitriadis says


    KB wanted to cross to Collingwood in 1980. Tom Hafey talked him out of it. Take away the 7 he kicked for Richmond and add the 7 he would have kicked for the Pies means the Pies win the ’80 flag by 3 points!

    As for a 2007. The ball was inside our 50 in the dying seconds. A flying shot for goal, the Pies win by a point and you lot would still be crying in your handbags.

    Stephen, the poem has an element of satire. Of course other permutations may have eventuated, but it is these critical points that dominate conversation amongst Pie fans at this time of year. Yes we are deluded, and proud of it. We take comfort in the uchronic imagination. It is a twisted type of therapy, but when you get so close so often, you have little else to do but hope in what might have been if….

  4. If that goal umpire didn’t have the eyesight of a man called Devon in ’97…
    If only we didn’t aberrate on the second last Saturday of ’98…

    Dips, my memory is with Phil’s on that ’07 PF. I think another minute may have seen a different result.

  5. Stephen Cooke says

    Gigs/Phil – yes, another minute in the 07 prelim may have seen a different result, on the same train of thought, if my aunty had been a man then she would have been my uncle.
    And let’s face it, if the Pies had met Port in the 07 GF the flag would have crossed the border that year, and nobody without a Port membership would have enjoyed seeing that. God bless those Cats.

  6. Gigs – don’t get sucked into that Collingwood crap about 2007. The poor sods have almost convinced themselves that they actually won ! Who’s to say that the next ball up wouldn’t have resulted in the Cats sweeping it out of defense and down the other end for a goal. No one.

    Indeed, if only for a few more seconds in ’07 the Cats would have won by 11.

  7. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Good on you Gigs,

    you understand where I’m coming from. These smug ‘pussies’ quickly forget the debacles of the 80s and 90s.They won’t get within 5 goals of St.Kilda this year.

  8. tough crowd phil.

  9. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Hey Bob, look forward to finally meeting you Friday. We can discuss poetry, Pies and pompous pussies…among other things.

  10. Phil – I detect a small note of jealousy from the under achieving Pies! I haven’t had the pleasure of your company, but I have met HB a few times at the All Nations – and what a fine upstanding gentleman he is. Sooooooooo un-Collingwood.

    (Is this where I stick in a “lol”?)

    Enjoy your discussions.

  11. Gigs,

    I insist on an LOL there.

  12. Daff

    You mean Dips with the LOL don’t you? Otherwise please instruct where my LOL should go. You guys are all so funny that I’m using ROTFL. (I think that’s right.)

  13. Dips, I know I’m jealous.

    Incidentally the Devon I refer to in comment 4 is one Devon Malcolm. If ever a man struggled with eyesight, it was certainly him.

  14. And Bob, I don’t know where Phil’s meeting you on Friday but I look forward to seeing (and hearing) your poetic promulgations on Sunday.

  15. Phil – likewise.

    Gigs – friday’s a closed session. see you sunday.

    Dips – shut up.


  16. Gigs – you are so uncool. My 14 year old advises its NOT ROTFL its ROFL.

    ROTFL is so last week.

  17. Sorry, Dips Jnr – “my bad”…

  18. Phil Dimitriadis says

    After all that all I can say is LMFAO.

  19. Nice to see everyone embracing the LOLs and LMAOs and ROFLs. :)

    What if we didnt have Toovey?

  20. I’m pleased everyone is KUTGW. WD. I’d weigh in but I CBF. Though it will be interesting to see whether the Pies or the Cats supporters will be drinking a steaming cup of STFU come Monday.

  21. the house was hopping
    the mad children of John Wren
    summoning hubris

  22. ‘classic’ stuff ian.

    writing a poem
    in seventeen syllables
    is very diffic

  23. All we Collingwood people have is our ifs and a tiny little bit of hope …

    The Geelong people seem to forget that there were plenty of ifs coming from down there way till they broke their drought in 2007 …

    Hopefully one day soon I too can find amusement in others ifs ….

  24. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Syson a Carlton
    sympathizer in hiding
    closet Menzies fan

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