Opening Round – Sydney v Melbourne: Serendipity is observed, as a redress has been served.

 

 

 

Serendipity is observed, as a redress has been served.

 

Sydney v Melbourne

Round Nada

7:30 pm, Thursday, 7 March 2024

The G Minor, Sydney

 

Dan Hansen                                                        

 

A few years ago, at about this time of year, I was chatting with my friend Gavin and he started criticising the AFL for dragging its feet and not starting the season earlier. His argument was that by the time we watch the same old sorry sights of Carlton and Richmond stumbling out of the gate (there’s always at least one of them who was poor the previous season) the NRL was either two or three weeks into their season and had gathered the momentum north of the Barrassi Line. Channelling Gavin’s sage thought process the AFL has decided to roll out this Round Nada spectacle, where the northern teams get to jumpstart the season in early March to garner some interest in New South Wales and Queensland.

 

Unfortunately for the AFL, the NRL said “we’ll see your bet and raise you a double header in Las Vegas”. Universally acknowledged as a huge success, the AFL must be now looking at its hand and thinking of its next bet. If the wagering continues to escalate, we could see Collingwood and Carlton opening the 2030 season on Australia Day at Madison Square Gardens. I hope someone folds soon.

 

Firstly, allow me to digress. After Trade Week last year, I found every conversation with an AFL enthusiast had them singing the praises of Port Adelaide’s trade deals. According to them, Ivan Soldo and Jordon Sweet were hailed as upgrades over Scott Lycett and Sam Hayes. While this proposition might hold water, my own enthusiasm was tempered by the thought of missed opportunities. Brodie Grundy and Todd Goldstein were dangling tantalizingly in the market. Goldstein would have been my second choice and as he had spent the last few seasons in a depleted North Melbourne squad, I could easily have seen him as a rejuvenated force ready to wreak havoc and have one last crack at a premiership with Rozee, Butters and Horne-Francis at his feet. As for Grundy, he’s a hometown boy with at least five top level seasons left in him, a genuine first ruckman who is also very versatile around the field. Collingwood let him slide due to injury and salary cap issues and Melbourne played him out of position or in the reserves.

 

So, on a hot and humid night I set off to the G Minor to watch the game with Bass, a former teammate from my Adelaide Uni days. Bass was flying in from a three-day junket in New Zealand and heading straight to the game, hoping to be there for the opening bounce. Customs and quarantine were a breeze for him at Sydney Airport, but fate had other plans, delaying him with a long-lasting bag search by overzealous security personnel outside the stadium. By the time he rolled in at quarter time, laden with sleep mask, neck-pillow, noise-cancelling headphones, compression socks, carry-on luggage, and suitcase I began to summarise the first quarter for him. The Dees midfield looked slightly better. Viney was excellent, Petracca was his usual brilliance and despite an off-season to forget Oliver was damaging again. Steven May and Jake Lever made it tough for the Swans forwards. Steven May was looking particularly good. He seemed to have had a good pre-season. But, then again, any pre-season where Steven May isn’t punched by a teammate can be classed as a good pre-season. Yet, the Dees’ forward line seemed lacking. Other than Bayley “Don’t-bother-calling-for-a-handball” Fritsch there wasn’t any other Dees forward who looked slightly threatening. The muggy weather made the players sweaty, the ball slippery and the spectacle ordinary. The Grundy-Gawn showdown provided some intrigue, the ruck duels were split pretty evenly, though Grundy had more impact around the ground.

 

The second quarter unfolded like a scene from a slapstick comedy, with the ball morphing into a slippery eel causing chaos on the field. Players, usually graceful in their execution, stumbled and fumbled like amateurs at a circus sideshow. The Swans managed to snag a goal early on, but the rest of the quarter resembled a futile game of “catch the greased pig.” Just as hope for another goal seemed lost, the Dees salvaged one after the siren, rescuing some dignity in what was shaping up to be a lacklustre affair. It looked like seven goals was going to be a winning score. I had always bagged Darwin games as they are such poor spectacles. I texted a chat group and wrote “Humid game. The ball is quite sweaty and slippery. It’s like a Darwin game”. Gavin replied with “That’s the problem with starting the season in Sydney this early”. Perhaps next time, Andrew Dillon will consult Gavin before setting the fixture in stone.

 

At halftime, the humidity finally relented. A slight breeze, as welcome as a cold beer on a hot day, graced the stadium, offering respite to players and spectators alike. As a result, the second half unfolded with a glimmer of hope, as if the weather itself conspired to lift standards. The Dees rallied a bit and even kicked a bit straighter. Miraculously, the football, once a display of fumbles and dropped chest marks, ascended to a level of competence bordering on respectability. As the game progressed, tension thickened like vegemite left in the back of the fridge, and by three-quarter time, only two points separated the two teams.

 

At three quarter time, amidst the chaos of a Swans game, my friend Tim found himself unwittingly thrust into a Qatar Airways promotional escapade. Tim, a seasoned Swans member in his fifties, was initially drawn to be the star of this spectacle. With the physique of a wombat, he was tasked with running with the grace of a gazelle. As soon as Tim discovered there was a no-motorbike rule he cunningly volunteered his 13-year-old son Jhen for the task, with full consent of the organizers. When they said yes, he cheekily inquired about nominating Usain Bolt, just for kicks. The idea of the race was to grab a suitcase, pack a blanket, put on a sleeping mask, neck pillow and Swans guernsey, grab a boarding pass and run through the goal posts to win. The winner receives a team-signed Swans guernsey and a place in the Round 24 final where one fan will win two return economy flights to any Qatar Airways destination worldwide. A great prize if you’re a male or a female not prone to being upset by invasive body searches.

 

Jhen was up against an eighteen-year-old female and started off with all the urgency of a sloth on a Sunday stroll. He was very slow in putting on the Swans guernsey and almost seemed like a stallion running mesmerised behind a mare. Yet, just as things looked bleak, he snapped back to reality, kicking into high gear. With just ten meters left, she was in the lead, but Jhen was closing in fast, and they were neck and neck as they crossed the finish line. If he were a gelding, victory would have been his. But alas, the judges sided with the girl. Perhaps some pointers from Bass beforehand would have helped. Jhen’s mother, sister and Ben Keays were incensed and calling for the ARC to be consulted. Their protest was ignored, and the decision stood. Like the Crows in 2024 hopefully Jhen will get a favourable fixture in 2025.

 

As the final quarter started, I found myself reflecting on Sydney’s peculiar ruck history. The Swans have never been known to draft and develop a ruckman. Instead, they’ve had a knack for swooping in on the best second-best ruckman floating around the league’s talent pool. It was written in the stars that they’d go all out for Grundy – that’s just their modus operandi. We all know the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men, and I’m not sure what fired Grundy up; whether it was the tumult in Gaza, the tragic passing of Alexei Navalny, the unending roadworks on the Bradfield Highway or the fact that Simon Goodwin played him out of position in the reserves for most of last year, but something had fired him up. In the last quarter his determination seemed infectious and before each ruck contest I could see Grundy mumbling “And you will know I am Brodie when I lay my vengeance upon you”. By the time the final whistle blew, Grundy had outplayed Gawn and emerged as the linchpin that set the two teams apart. It was a missed opportunity that left me lamenting for Port Adelaide.

 

We now know that when Grundy gets fired up, he can lift a team to victory. You just don’t want to be a club who has pissed him off. By the way, who have the Swans got next week? Collingwood!! Hmmm … that could be interesting.

 

SYDNEY             3.3       4.3       7.10     12.14    (86)

MELBOURNE     1.6       2.8       7.8       9.10     (64)

 

GOALS

Sydney: Hayward 2, McLean 2, Florent, Fox, Heeney, McDonald, McInerney, Papley, Warner, Wicks

Melbourne: Fritsch 4, Viney 2, Langdon, Petracca, Van Rooyen

 

BEST

Sydney: Grundy, Heeney, Blakey, Warner, Rowbottom, Papley

Melbourne: Viney, May, Salem, Petracca, Oliver, McVee

 

Crowd: 40,012 at the G Minor

 

OUR VOTES:  3 Grundy (Sydney), 2 Heeney (Sydney), 1 Viney (Melbourne)

 

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