Name that team

I am simultaneously indebted to and cursing Josh Elliott. I haven’t met Josh in person but we follow each other on Twitter and I enjoy his analysis and views on footy. A couple of weeks ago, though, he set a cat amongst the pigeons that reside in my brain.

 

The cause of the feline fracas was a tweet linking to a little tool that Josh had developed and put online, called the ‘Footy Name Generator’. As soon as I saw the tweet the alarm bells rang loudly in my head. I knew this was the sort of thing I’d love but I also knew it would be the sort of thing that would likely occupy me for hours — hours in which I should be doing other things.

 

And that’s exactly what happened.

 

Josh’s tool is simple. If I understand it correctly, it selects any first name and pairs it with any surname in the list of nearly 13,000 men who have played V/AFL footy. To generate a random name, simply press enter.

 

The first name I got was “Loyal Hustler“. That was enough for me. I was down that rabbit hole and I wouldn’t be coming out for hours.

 

Initially, for me the attraction was the chance to generate some funny names. Loyal Hustler was a good start. And Lardie Dicks brought out a Kelvin Cunnington snigger.

 

One of the early ones that popped up was Bohdan Scale, a product of two players from the ’70s, Hawthorn’s Bohdan Jaworskyj and Geelong’s Doug Scale. The new name made me think of the various scales I already know about, like the Richter Scale, which measures earthquake magnitude and the Beaufort Scale (wind speed).

 

What would the fictional Bohdan Scale measure? I decided that, in honour of Jaworskyj’s Ukrainian and Russian heritage, the Bohdan Scale would measure the degree of difficulty involved in the pronunciation of an Eastern European surname.

 

But, of course, being me, I did not stop there. The enter key got a good workout over the next hour or two. Some names were forgettable — James Smith; John Jones. Others were more exotic — Garney Hagenauer; Steele Butling; Cash Tregenza.

 

As Josh’s magnificent time-waster kept doing its thing (with the trusty assistance of my index finger), my brain started to sort the random names into categories, like my own personal Hogwarts Sorting Hat. Eventually, I pressed enter enough times to create six differently themed teams: The Alliterative All-Stars, The Euro Squad, The Pilkington-Smythe College First XVIII, The West Indies, The Combined Country Team and The Young Guns.

 

Here then, are those six teams as selected by Josh Elliott’s Generator, my laptop’s enter key, my index finger, and my addled brain.

 

THE ALLITERATIVE ALL-STARS

Not much explanation required here, although Brant Brand is probably lucky to get the nod over Boyd Brabazon for the full back post, while Cleve Clover could comfortably carry out Curly Cazaly’s commitments. Perhaps you’d prefer Pos Partington over Piers Porplyzia in the ruck. No one said this would be an easy task.

 

The final team is:

B: Arryn Ayres, Brant Brand, Curly Cazaly
HB: Doy Dunkley, Ethan Earsman, Francesco Fincher
C: Goldie Golby, Harcourt Hardingham, Isaac Indian
HF: Jordie Jarrard, Kingsley Kuhlken, Lex Leather
F: Mordecai Mattingly, Nick Northey, Owen O’Hara
R: Piers Porplyzia, Quenton Quinlan, Renato Russo
I/C: Son Selover, Tayte Towner, Vasil Varcoe, Wolfgang Whitling
EMERG: Xavier Xerri, Yvonne Yze*, Zeno Zeuschner.

 

*Because no male V/AFL player has yet had a name beginning with Y, Yvonne Bonner, from the GWS AFL Women’s team, has generously (if unknowingly) given us the use of her first name.

 

The other squad members, all extremely unluckily to be overlooked, were:

Amon Apted, Brenton Bench, Broc Beckton, Bertie Byrnes, Boyd Brabazon
Bohdan Bevilacqua, Bevan Bridgfoot, Cleve Clover, Clete Curtain, Cliff Cutter
Col Colls, Dooley Dunell, Durak Danks, Emerson Ellingsen, Elton Eicke
Felix Flintoft, Gavin Galbally, Gerrick Gilchrist, Gillie Greenslade, Howard Hinson
Herman Heaphy, Hayden Hamling, Harley Humphries, Heinz Hywood, Havel Hemley
Kayne Kernahan, Louis Lamont, Lenny Lobbe, Lukas Leppitsch, Mowbray Marchesi
Pos Partington, Robert Rankine, Roly Rode, Rochford Rowles, Randall Rauber
Sonny Sewart, Sel Story, Travis Trebilco, Vernon Vickers-Willis, Westmore Wilkie
Wayde Welch, Wels Whitzell

 

THE EURO SQUAD

Quite a few European (or at least European-sounding) surnames and first names popped up together, and from this list, the following very fine Euro Squad was selected. Once again, the ruck spot was hotly contested and while Urban Vanderfeen was unlucky to miss, it was hard to go past big Herman Kuka.

 

B: Gene Pirouet, Minairo Lenne, Clete Gonsalves
HB: Tista Sanguinetti, Alipate Gibaud, Sted Majerczak
C: Enos Incigneri, Dinny Obudzinski, Romano Cassisi
HF: Pos Svorinich, Teia Kekovich, Seddon Del-Re
F: Lon Lipinski, Frankie Sikora, Tad Winderlich
R: Herman Kuka, Fabian Weber, Felix Mau
I/C: Vasil Curcio, Mabior Turco, Les Woinarski, Rudi Duperouzel

 

Other squad members:

Garney Hagenauer, Vasil Zorko, Lardie Vlastuin, Claude Steigenberger, Claud Bucovaz, Heinrich Wolfe, Chic De Medici, Cairo Balfe, Peter Byrachevski, Urban Vanderfeen, Orm Milte, Herc Nyhuis, Wolfgang Wagner, Robbert Le Deux, Bernard Luhrs

 

THE PILKINGTON-SMYTHE COLLEGE FIRST XVIII

Check out this list of names and tell me they don’t belong at Scotch, Xavier, Melbourne Grammar or St Kevin’s. The team features perhaps the only ever entirely hyphenated spine, with a double-barrelled name in every position from full back through to full forward.

 

For best results, this team should be read out in the voice of Barry Humphries performing ‘Snow Complications‘.

 

B: Thorold Ruffles, Bervin Gillespie-Jones, Mowbray Marquis
HB: Blayne Caffyn, Edmund Lovett-Murray, Brighton Deayton
C: Easton Gooch, Errol McMaster-Smith, Doulton Wiggins
HF: Croft Hordern, Morley Boyd-Gerny, Rochford Wingate
F: Rupe Odgers, Kingsley Andrew-Street, Housie Hinchliffe
R: Lyster Davies-Uniacke, Myles Lowenthal, Jarvis Watkins
I/C: Grantley Kilpatrick, Tasman Cleghorn, Selwyn North, Goldie Sparks

 

The PILKINGTON-SMYTHE COLLEGE SECOND XVIII will be selected from the following students:
Berkeley Garvey, Rowley Meadowcroft, Keenan Clapham, Chester Knell, Newton Mortimer, Lynton Railton, Pearce Downsborough, Housie Gell, Loy Indian, Griffin Prout, Hurtle Mail, Tristen Appleyard, Sydney Whittington, Wennie Attenborough, Kepler MacKin, Almond Newbound, Hollington Cairns, Alphonse Brittingham, Cooper Park, Jockie Le Gassick, Erwin Gumbleton, Vaughan Honeychurch, Hollington Trahair, Wilfred Greenhalgh, Reefton Tarczon, Selwyn Hibbert, Austinn Ledwidge, Doulton Sinclair, Grantley Tenbrink, Harcourt Wardley, Hope Ray, Earl Valentine, Kingsley Carlson, Tasman Diggle, Park Caldwell, Hollington Tickell, Emerson Files, Mowbray Weeks, Orren Tuddenham, Kingsley Setterfield, Bismarck Corr

 

WEST INDIES XVIII

The West Indies cricket teams of my youth were filled with wonderful sounding first names that I’d rarely or never heard before, at least as a first name. Vanburn Holder, Alvin Kallicharran, Winston Davis, Eldine Baptiste, Cuthbert Gordon Greenidge, Augustine Logie and Anderson Montgomery Everton Roberts were just a few of the names that captured my imagination. In that spirit, here’s a team of names that would sit comfortably alongside those great Caribbean cricketers of the ’70s and ’80s.

 

B: Zephaniah Ruffles, Cruize Royal, Keegan Quaynor
HB: Alvan Kettle, Steele Organ, Quenton Pugsley
C: Gladstone Pitchford, Emery Minchington, Shadrach Partington
HF: Carlyle Merrigan, Karmichael Redpath, Elton Shinners
F: Jordon Goldstraw, MackEnzie Longmire, Westmore Chipp
R: Croft Chivers, Elkin Main, Davitt Copsey
I/C: Orville Benstead, Elvin Whitaker, Harden Wild, Maverick Beswicke

 

Ready to step into the breach when injury or loss of form strikes are:

Godfrey Boldiston, Hamilton Calthorpe, Emery Holt, Che Tottey, Durak Swannie, Milton Flower, Curtly Horsley, Jervis Cleave, Marshall Trotter, Curly Batty, Seff Deague, Steele Butling, Cash Tregenza

 

COMBINED COUNTRY XVIII:

Too often neglected by us city slickers, here’s a bunch of blokes that sound like they’ve taken a couple of hours off shearing the sheep, servicing the tractor or pulling beers at the Commercial to give their all for the local team in the Mallee or Gippsland.

 

B: Barney Huppatz, Leroy Bumpstead, Bud Ingleton
HB: Doug Goonan, Walt Browning, Perc Lloyd
C: Mack McGillicuddy, Wally Leehane, Jock Goggin
HF: Len Boyse, Gillie Cartwright, Vic Deague
F: Merv Knell, Morrie Proudfoot, Alwin Caprioli
R: Stan Beitzel, Paddy Dixon, Clive Lowden
I/C: Graham Hewitt, Archie Gull, Noel Coutts, Hughie Saunders
EMERG: Cliff Bell, Les Sweetman, Walter Cotter, Mo Crow

 

Players unlucky not to get a guernsey include:

Kevin Salter, Dan Gilchrist, Clyde Hardie, Alfie Crozier, Ralph Pitt
Tony Stubbs, Neville Stewart, Cyril Dalwood, Bruce Tuddenham, Dave Blainey
Syd Doyle, Mort Townsend, Ken Gaspar, Wilbur McNeel, Frank Duthie, Neil Forster
Dennis Griggs, Harry Robinson

 

YOUNG GUNS:

This team of young whippersnappers features players with first names and spellings that would have had coaches Norm Smith and Ted Whitten shaking their heads in confusion and despair, while mumbling “If you’d turned up here 40 years ago with that name we’d have sent you home to get a proper one.”

 

B: Lukas Herman, Logan Pleitner, Zaine Golby
HB: Cheynee McVeigh, Tanner Neenan, Zac Kirby
C: Jarred Freeman, Kristin Philp, Laitham McKee
HF: Chayce Fantasia, Maverick Ash, Rhyce Mansell
F: Bo Newton, Ryley Dowdle, Lachie Sands
R: Tomas Carter, Caydn Bartling, Gryan Canavan
I/C: Sharrod Page, Tarryn Robran, Cody Weeks, Koby Vickers-Willis
EMERG: Noah Coghlan, Dyson Butters, Brody Levey, Bailey Romari

 

Ready to fill the breach, despite looking about 14 years old:

Josh Rock, Beau Rawson, Dylan Strooper ,Corey Bridgfoot, Jade Ladbrook, Wade Marigliani, Jaxson Fiegert, Griffin Hallahan, Mitchell Hawking, Kaiden Faul, Connor Thurgood, Tyler Griffith, Blake Jonas, Kyal Landrigan, Lockie Podolczak, Bryce Robbins, Rory Eastaway, Caleb Weedon, Hunter Moore, Fletcher Hewitson, Reilly Taube Will Shackleton Aidyn Wishart, Marcus Alsop

 

So there we have the six teams in the Josh Elliott Time-Wasting Name Generator Football League. You too can lose hours of productivity by clicking on the link below. Thanks Josh, for making and taking my day. (You can find Josh on Twitter at @JoshElliott_29.)

 

https://trinket.io/python/b3ab409fbf?outputOnly=true&runOption=run

 

 

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