Matty Q’s Footy Roundup – Round 5.


Matt Quartermaine


We’re heading in to Round 6 and here are a few things we’ve discovered about football in 2017 so far.

The next AFL season will only be four games long as this is all the football media needs to decide the fate of coaches and teams.

Channel Seven has gathered the unholy trinity of Hamish McLachlan, Luke Darcy and Basil Zempilas to take the intelligence out of television football. If bland were a colour these guys have had suits made in it, wash their hair in it and make love to it in the missionary position. Hamish is a special kind of hell unto himself.

Hamish McLachlan is to football commentary what paint is to drying. The man makes Brian Taylor look like a visionary. With no insights available to his good looking pea brain he assaults the viewer with useless facts like “he is the twelfth player for the club to wear the number twenty three.” Every time CEO’s little bro pops up on my TV I am reminded of the horrific crowd chorus to Ray Miland in “The Man with X-Ray Eyes” shouting “Pluck ’em out! Pluck ’em out! Pluck ’em out!” Only this now refers to my ear drums.

The live experience of a football game has changed. Crowds’ collective cry of “Ball! Yes!” now includes a mass mumble of consternation. How can we shout down a decision when we don’t know why it happened, who it happened to or how it happened? Crowds now shout “Ball! What? Wait! Who? When’s the next rain due at Jolimont?”

Umpiring decisions are now decided by the Dice Man. Was it deliberate out of bounds? Roll the dice umpire and let us know your decision. Umpire training now includes four one hour weekly lectures on psychology and interpreting body language. Here’s a tip; it’s friggin’ wet, it’s an oval ball and nobody’s perfect. Especially umpires, but not including the AFL.

Because of the deliberate out of bounds Australian Football can no longer haughtily look down on soccer players diving. Every time the pill goes out of bounds players thrust their arms forward and beg for a free kick. New players to the AFL system will have one hour weekly lessons with NIDA tutors to perfect their acting techniques. Open-mouthed disbelief at decisions will be replaced with tilted heads and circumspect shrugs. If the players persist in mealy mouthed begging, the umpires have permission to treat the players like Brando’s Godfather to Johnny Fontaine; slap them and then tell them to “Be a man!”

Who in their right mind looked at channel Nine’s football shows and thought what we need is more Craig Hutchinson? Clickbait Hutchison now fronts two AFL TV shows and is helping pile the dirt on the grave of The Footy Show. Football journalism doesn’t discuss games and tactics any more, it concentrates on rumour mongering and bitch fights. It’s a boys club out there in the football media and they’re playing soggy biscuit. Thank god for Daisy Pierce who asks intelligent questions to players in her role as boundary rider. Now to get her into the commentary box and onto the discussion panels.




  1. Les Everett says

    Nice Matt.

    Yes that appealing for deliberate out-of-bounce thing is unedifying… please stop it boys.

    Maybe umpires should ask the player what his intention was… this would take the mind-reading element.

  2. This piece will surely go down in Almanac history for mentioning the following:
    a, the fondly remembered Ray “Dial M for Murder” Milland
    b, the wistfully remembered game of Soggy Biscuit.

  3. Smokie you can add Luke Rhinehart to the list.

  4. Sean Gorman says

    Your Musing on the FS bs are on the $.

  5. John Butler says

    Matt, such have the standards of commentating plummeted that I’d actually been lulled into thinking Hammer had improved. This piece has jolted me back to reality.

    My vision of purgatory is a beige room with Luke Darcy talking 24/7.

    Spot on re Daisy P. She’s travelling much better than Daisy T.

    Listening to Lauren Arnell do special comments on the radio, get ’em both on 7 now. Get rid of a few of the ex player spuds (I’m looking at you Ling).

  6. John Butler says

    Official theme song for the Footy Show should now be this:

  7. Matt Quartermaine says

    Thanks all.
    Les, miked up umpires asking players intentions would be compelling TV. Did you mean to make that ball go out of bounds? How are things at home?
    Smokie, biscuit and soggy are such innocent words until combined. I also could have included Ray Milland’s “Buried Alive.”
    Jim, I believe Dice Man should be republished as a lifestyle book.
    Sean, FS has gone as low as having Shane Crawford is their funny man. People really should check out his blatant ripping off of Kyrie Irving’s ‘Uncle Drew’:
    John, any Randy Newman reference is much appreciated.

  8. Just watch Foxtel no seven commentary needed ? Good piece Matty

  9. Good piece Matt. Why Tim Lane isn’t calling on TV is a mystery and a travesty. He’s the anti- BT with accuracy, a great sense of theatre, subtle humour and knowledge of when to let the pictures do the talking.

  10. Rick Kane says

    Brilliant Matt. That is, hilarious and incisive as. And philosophical. To wit: How can we shout down a decision when we don’t know why it happened, who it happened to or how it happened?


  11. Matt Quartermaine says

    Brother Simon you’re always pushing me to fork out $100 a month for foxtel which ironically is the total my monthly earnings.
    Mickey even Tim’s daughter Sam would be preferable but last I saw of her they stuck her in the top gantry of Adelaide oval grandstand.
    Thanks Ricky, all inspired by our trip to see the legendary and very naughty Dave Warner.

  12. Matt – I have long subscribed to the “mute commentary”/play Springsteen loud theory of watching cricket. You have convinced me to apply it to footy as well. Radio commentary (gets you Tim and Gerard) with mute TV works well – but only if sound is a little ahead of vision. Sort of lightning and thunder in reverse.
    Am off to the Derby today with the happy tramp sense of impending gallows.
    Notice you don’t mention our Eagles in your first Almanac piece of the season: distraction; avoidance or priorities?
    Nice one. Can’t get the Hamish porn scene out of my mind – Australian Psycho?

  13. Matt Quartermaine says

    Indeed PB, tramps like us were born to make runs.

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