If The Fonz were a cricketer

If The Fonz were a cricketer, he’d be a T20 specialist.

He’d open the batting and aim to score only 4’s and 6’s. If he had to run between the wickets, it’d only be when he had time to strut to the other end. Quick singles and 2’s & 3’s, let alone all run 4’s, would be spurned for being too ‘Ralph and Potsy’. And The Fonz would only strut singles off his own nurdles – his batting partners would just have to suck it up like Richie Cunningham whenever he said ‘Ayy’ in turning down their calls.

When fielding, The Fonz would park his Triumph at first slip. He’d take catches with the no fuss approach of the Security Guard at the Adelaide Oval. To be sure, he’d snaffle snicks so nonchalantly, he’d make Mark Waugh look ungainly. While in between, he’d spend time preening himself narcissistically, in preparation for a little Chris Gayle-style flirting in the post match interviews.

If Cosmo Kramer were a cricketer, he’d bowl left arm wristspin.

Utilizing Paul Adams ‘frog in a blender’ action, Kramer would look to bamboozle batsmen more at the point of delivery than with flight and turn. He would especially achieve this whenever he sled in his delivery stride, the way he sled through Jerry’s front door. Though, this would baffle the umpires as much as the batsmen, and they’d wrack their brains over whether to call a no ball.

In the nets, Kramer would spend countless hours developing mystery balls. He’d work on stuff delivered in the middle of back flips, somersaults and pirouettes. He’d  also work on releasing the ball from the top of his hand, rather than the palm. But they’d never come out too well, sometimes getting caught in his frizzed up hair; that is, on the days when he didn’t suffer a low-flow shower.

If Bill Murray were an Australian batsmen, he’d come to the crease with us 5 for 59 every Groundhog Day.

Over the years, he’d be on guard for the googlies and slower balls which had dismissed him previously, only to be undone overs later by reverse swing or chin music. Eventually though, he’d get some innings into the 90’s, but every time he did, a blizzard would stop play. He’d then become all morose, slashing in each innings nihilistically, making many, many goldens, but occasionally hitting the first ball for six. Things would become so grim soon after, that he’d just tread on his wickets in the bowlers approach. An abstract phase would follow where he would just blow up gopher holes in the outfield and charge particle beams at ghosts of cricketers past. Happily, he’d then have an epiphany and return to the crease, where he’d now play every ball on its merits. He’d also buy into a spirit of goodwill and share OH&S tips with fielders whom he knew were about to do shoulders sliding into pickets. Then one day, he’d come to the crease, and Australia wouldn’t be 5 for 59, they’d be 5 for 300, and à-la Adam Voges, he’d cash in ‘cos the going was good and make 300. He’d then marry that actress who was also in Four Weddings and a Fox Hunt, and retire to the Nine commentary box, where he’d discuss pizza toppings with Warnie, arguing that cured Punxsutawney Phil goes as well with capricciosa as calabrese. To which, Shane would quip, “Aw Bill, if only your Greenskeeper had been in ‘Happy Gilmour’: it would’ve made an already perfect film even more perfect.”

And to finish on a few succinct ones:

If Graham Kennedy were a batsmen, he’d get hit in the box every other delivery. We’d love it too, because he’d get to pull all them faces.

If John Lennon were a traditionalist, he’d sing, ‘Imagine no short form cricket. It’s easy if you try. No meaty slogs to cow corner. Only textbook defense and cover drives.’

He’d also sing, “All we are saying, is give Night Tests a chance.”

If John Howard were a cricketer, and if that famous clanger of his is anything to go by, he wouldn’t get past a backyard game at a barbie. But then again, ‘Work Choices’ was a bigger clanger than that delivery, so maybe he’d get as far as Mitch Marsh?



About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see's a shadow: twelve more months of winter


  1. Neil Anderson says

    If that’s Jez from Peep Show in the photo and he was batting, we would hear the voiceover saying, “What am I doing here wasting my time with this stupid game? I could be around at Superhand’s place finishing off some of that weed…if there’s any left.”
    Sounds like you watch the same shows and films that I do, except the Bill Murray golfing ones…sorry.

  2. Punxsu.... Pete says

    Neil, only Super Hans can use the words ‘rewengay’ and ‘omertà when philosophizing and not sound pretentious.

    My avatar is Robert Webb during a skit from ‘Mitchell and Webb’, and not in character as Jez. This character is a whole lot more tragic, and spends his time moaning and bitching, and feeling all sorry for himself, with an air that he knows he can’t really back it up. I’m troubled as to why I’m attracted to that! (understandably.) But love Jez too. And yeah, you got him right there … that’d be how he’d spend his time fielding in the deep on a stinking hot day with the Poms 1 for 350.

  3. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    That’s a beauty Zitter. Picturing Kramer playing cricket. I imagine him arguing with the umpire and causing all sorts of brouhahas over close calls. Great stuff !!

  4. How great if the Fonz and Pinky Tuscadero were batting and the Malachi Brothers were bowling in tandem?

    Great piece PP.

  5. Rick Kane says

    Very funny Punx, if that is indeed your real name! Not sure I can picture The Fonz spending any time on a cricket field but your scenario is gold.

    Who, in recent TV stardom, might also be a cricketer. Tracey Jordan comes to mind. Of course he’d have Grizz and Dot Com bat, bowl and field for him then take all the glory!

  6. Punxsu.... Pete says

    Thanks for reading fellas.

    Phil, I can picture Kramer getting Newman to do all his arguing with the ump. “You emit a foul odor.” “I loooooathe you.”

    MIckey, them Malachi brothers would bowl some serious heat. But ‘The Fonz’ wouldn’t be fazed. And Pinky would kill in the WBBL.

    Rick, I never got round to catching 30 Rock, but Alec Baldwin’s stocks have risen since the Trump catastrophe, so it’s on my radar. I’ve caught his ”Glengarry Glen Ross’ recently, having missed it at the height of its powers, and gee, what a film (and on films/TV, saw ‘Deadwood’ at your recommendation. Wow. Incredible TV.)

    As for picturing ‘The Fonz’ playing cricket, yeah, he’d get bored quickly and spend his time daydreaming about reconditioning carburetors. I reckon ‘Ralph and Potsy’ running between the wickets would be something. They’d come off looking more like scaredy cats, than batsmen.

  7. Brilliant concept well executed PP!

    I can also imagine Newman fielding at 1st slip all day with pockets full of assorted creams meant for the afternoon tea break. And I’d like to see Soup Nazi umpiring the next Australia v India test series!

  8. DBalassone says

    Clever analogies Peter. I dunno why but I see Kramer as a Sarfraz Nawaz type.

    The Fonz is definitely Viv – the King of Cool – unless, of course, presented with a plate of liver in the lunch break.

  9. DBalassone says

    Ps 5 for 59 instantly takes me back to 81/82 boxing day test and Dirk Wellham. If you know why I say so, then we are on a wavelength.

  10. Rulebook says

    Excellent PP v v well played

  11. yes Dirk had his moment. a finer 17 you’d never see.

  12. Luke Reynolds says

    Great work Peter.

    On the Seinfeld theme, I reckon Jerry would be a 4’s and sixes man too. “I choose not to run”.

  13. Punxsu.... Pete says

    Hey fellas

    Luke, Jerry would also spend his time debunking myths like the second spitter. i.e. Would Warnie’s ball of the century got through Mike Gatting if it had actually been a bread roll?

    JD, a position accommodating inertness like first slip would be tailor made for Newman. I wonder if saliva borne from munching assorted creams and snickers would be as effective at getting shine on the ball as lozenges?

    Damien, I’ll give you Kramer as Safraz Nawaz, but only in the episode where he walked like Frankenstein in them suffocatingly tight jeans. The 5 for 59 at the G back then eludes me? My 5 for 59 angle is the alarm clock in Phil Connor’s room, just before it clicks over to 6:00 and Sonny and Cher.

    Cheers Rulebook

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