“They were in the front room.
– FOR GOODNESS SAKE –
I GOT THE HIPPY HIPPY SHAKE –
– Fuck; sorry, Darren.
He’d dropped the Kandee Sauce bottle again.
Darren pushed the Pause bottle.
Jimmy Sr couldn’t get the hang of the sauce bottle. The vinegar was grand; his hand fitted around it properly. It was easy enough to catch. The sauce, though, was a fucker.”
– Roddy Doyle, The Van
West Indies 7/304 (50 overs)
LMP Simmons 102 (84), DJG Sammy 89 (67), GH Dockrell 3/50 (10)
Ireland 6/307 (45.5 overs)
PR Stirling 92 (84), EC Joyce 84 (67), NJ O’Brien 79* (60)
Ireland won by 4 wickets
– D’you know this cricket World Cup?
– I do, I know it well. I’ve one of them Australians as brother-in-law.
They were in the local.
– Ahh, that you do. You know we’re a chance tonight? said Tommy, reaching for his pint.
– Ahh, sure I do. Jason Gillespie there advocating for our test status. And it’s the West Indies no less. They’re falling apart at the seams, said Nuts, establishing his credentials in this English sporting landscape.
– Let’s check it out then, shall we? George? To the bartender now. – George, can you put on the World Cup cricket, kindly?
==
– The West Indies are batting. That’s no good. I’d want to bat first.
– Your ignorance is showing, Nuts. Chasing is out forte, man. We chase down totals; that’s what we do.
– What score have we there?
– Let’s see… It’s 24 overs gone. West Indies 87/5.
– Fuck me, we’ll do this.
– In a fucking canter.
– Still this Sammy is supposed to be a wild card.
– He’ll fucking need to be.
==
– Are you still watching this?
– Fucking take a fucking wicket, Jaysis.
– What are they up to?
– It’s criminal, this. 230/5. And there’s six overs left. They’ll get 300 here.
– Bullshite.
– They fucking will.
==
– Good lord it’s carnage.
– Nelson, they call this place.
– Fucking Waterloo, Tommy man. Fucking Waterloo.
– What did they get in the end there?
– 304/7
– Sweet Jaysis.
– Though it’s set up nicely now for our triumphant chase.
– Brilliant.
==
Ireland batsmen now walking to the crease. Big screen on the wall. It’s late.
– Tell us who we’re dealing with here, Nuts.
– That there is yer William Porterfield from Londenderry.
– Right.
– Opening wit’ yer Paul Stirling.
==
– It’s not a bad start. 13 overs. 71.
– Gone now. Porterfield. 1/71.
– Ahh.
– But here’s Ed Joyce of Dublin at 3. He’s going well.
– Ahh yes. Played at Middlesex, did he not?
– He did. And he’s smacked that.
– My word. These two are flying.
– Good grief. This is a fucking brave chase. Brilliant.
– Hundred partnership now.
– And flying. We’ll do this.
– Ahh, got him. That’s Stirling missing his ton. 27 overs gone. 2/177.
– Another pint?
==
– Who’s this now then, to assist our good man there, Ed Joyce-of-Dublin?
– Ahh, it’s Mr Niall O’Brien, also of Dublin’s fair city.
– Where the girls are so pretty.
– Come on now Niall-man. Come on now Ed Joyce. It’s your time.
– Your time.
==
– This is riveting.
– Whatever happens from here, these two gents have done a grand job.
– They have indeed.
– Sixes, look at them. Fours.
– It’s a brave and mighty effort.
– 39 overs now gone.
– Ahh, but he’s out there.
– Yer Ed Joyce. A grand knock. 3/273 now. But still the 10 overs left.
– Steady heads, lads. Steady heads.
==
– Oh no, Andy Balbirnie man. No no no.
– 4 down now. 4/285 from 42 overs.
==
– Oh fucking Gary Wilson no no no
– We could be stealing a mighty defeat here from the jaws of victory.
– What is it here now?
– 5/290 after 44 overs. Entirely possible. Likely, even.
– Of course it is. Of course it is.
==
– Ahh now.
– A run out there.
– A golden duck, that’s called.
– Poor show Kevin O’Brien.
– 6/291. Surely we’ll not lose this now. Still 35 balls to get these runs.
==
– And there it is!
– That’s it! We’ve arrived.
– Niall O’Brien well done, man.
– Ireland all, well done, men.
– More points now than England in this World Cup.
– And Pakistan.
– Yes, but more points now than England.
– Ahh yes, and here’s cheers to that.
About David Wilson
David Wilson is a hydrologist, climate reporter and writer of fiction & observational stories. He writes under the name “E.regnans” at The Footy Almanac and has stories in several books. One of his stories was judged as a finalist in the Tasmanian Writers’ Prize 2021. He shares the care of two daughters and likes to walk around feeling generally amazed. Favourite tree: Eucalyptus regnans.
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An England-Ireland Quarter Final (likely) would make India-Pakistan look like a sunday school picnic.
“Take that for my great great great granddaddy you feckin’ potato thieves”.
Phil Simmons must have had mixed feelings as Ireland coach watching his son hit a ton for his old team.
Thanks ER.
Brilliant. When the Windies were 5/87 I was regretting not putting more than $10 on Ireland at (a generous) $4.70. When the Windies made 304 I thought it was enough. But a deserved win for the men in green. Not a surprise win in my book.
PB- Lendl Simmons is Phil’s nephew. Surely still had mixed feelings though. Was a great knock.
Ahhh love the craic. I’d stay up all night to watch the Irish knock over the Poms. Its only symbolic, I know, but it would be fun to watch.
By the way, William Porterfield is from Derry, not Londonderry.
Good read
Luke, like you (although not a betting man) I was staggered at the short opening odds on the Windies and the generous odds to the Green. Windies are a rabble and the Irish have strong players and experience.
Wonder if Morgan feels he made the right decision now.
Still love the line that the Irish only took up World Cup cricket as someone told them they could run in fast and throw a hard object at a Pom
Well done to them, great result, and not really an upset
Sean
G’day all.
Thanks for yer comments there.
PB – I think Ireland beat England in a pool game last World Cup. But a knock-out win would be another level.
Luke – well spotted on the odds. History frequently clouds the here and now.
Dips – that would be a terrific night’s entertainment. I gathered that wee Londonderry snippet from cricinfo. I’ll defer to any slice of half wisps of knowledge you have. I got nothin’.
Sean – it’s a good line.
The Irish Times report by Emmett Riordan is a fine article.
http://www.irishtimes.com/sport/other-sports/west-indies-victory-continues-remarkable-era-for-irish-cricket-1.2106208
ER – there is no such town as Londonderry. Unless you’re an oppressor. When I was in Ireland many moons ago I spent a bit of time in the pubs of Derry. In those days one had to be very careful what name they attached to the place. I actually stayed in the amusingly named town of “Muff” – just north of Derry. .
Oh Dips, that cricinfo is running an agenda. Terrible ignorance on my part.
This is now probably now my second most embarrassing “oppressor” slip, behind a slip I once made to an Irishman in Dublin.
It was during 2002 and the Commonwealth Games were underway in Manchester (I think). An idle curiosity developed to the point where I asked Irish-to-the-marrow Peter whether or not there “was anyway we could catch up on the Empire Games?”
You could imagine how well that was received.
Thanks OBP amazing re how , Ireland beating , WI isn’t really a upset , ohh how the mighty have fallen , entertaining as always , OBP
Thanks OBP.
BBC now reporting that M Holding has called for Ireland to be granted Test status “immediately.”
http://www.bbc.com/sport/cricket/31501767
At the Ireland Institute for Research into Stuttering, they have decided to look at a cure based on positive psychology.
The head of the Institute says to the class of extreme stutterers that if they can focus on speaking well, with a reward in mind, he believes they will be cured.
He introduces the class to a beautiful, stunning, nubile, scantily clad young woman. He says, “I will ask you a simple question and if you can answer without stuttering, you get to spend a night of carnal pleasure with this young lady.”
Suddenly, all are interested.
First guy steps up and is asked. “Which city are you from?”
Stutterer 1 : “DDDDDD, duuuuu, Duuuuub, Duuuuuubbbbbbbbl….”
“Sorry, no luck, sit down.”
Second Sutterer, same question?
“BBBBBBBBBB, BBBBBBelllllllllll, Belllllllffffffffffff…..”
“Sorry, next”.
Third Stutterer: “LLLLLLLLLL, LLLLooo, London!”
Wow, well you win, see gents it works. So, off the two of you go, have fun.”
They two of them spend an incredible night together, recreating every 50 shades fantasy the young man had. Exhausted but satisfied, he returns to class the next day, walks in and says:
“DDDDerrry!”
Man, was I amazed by the quality of Afghanistan’s bowlers last night. They’ve got some serious talent. Hamid Hassan channels Lennie Pasoce and Shapoor is really something. Also great to see the Bangas and mash (hope that’s not too un-PC!). Their batsmen were a class above Afghanistan’s and they have a good young fast bowler in Taskin. Just loving the Cup so far. Please, please, please have these tournaments every couple of years and get rid of soulless tri-series. Cricket desperately needs games that MATTER.
What is now Severe Tropical Cyclone Marcia will be an ex-TC by Saturday, and is expected to be bang over Brisbane.
In all likelihood the Australia v Bangladesh game will be a washout.
If that happens, do they split the points?
And what would that mean for Australia’s likely standings for the knock-out phase?
Perhaps toss a coin?