Almanac (Cricket) Satire: ICC backflip in record time

Within forty-eight hours of unveiling a revolutionary proposal to give International cricket more context, the ICC have announced that it is unworkable.

Reading from a statement, ICC chairman, Dave Richardson, detailed, “Owing to concerns from many stakeholders, we have elected to dissolve yesterday’s proposal, with a view to developing a new one in the near future.”

Richardson added, “In short, we felt that the logistics were impractical and that the new proposal would not suit the BC… err, I mean, broadcasters.”

In fielding questions, Richardson was asked if the BCCI were one of the concerned stakeholders.

“Absolutely not. In fact, the BCCI were the most supportive of all the member nations. They want nothing more than what’s best for the game. Indeed, sometimes their altruism leaves us a little breathless.”

When asked which countries had misgivings. Richardson answered, “Zimbabwe for one.” To this, he added, “The ZCB felt that the proposal would upset their lucrative bi-lateral arrangements with Afghanistan and Ireland. As you know, Zimbabwe is the cash cow for these emerging nations, and it was felt the new schedule might disturb the symbiotic relationships between them.”

Richardson went on to say, “Indeed, on Zimbabwe, we see them trending upwards and becoming a country everyone will want to tour, once their daily inflation drops under 1000%.”

Richardson was then asked whether it was a coincidence that the BCCI had just announced it would take whistle stop tours of Zimbabwe over the next 4 years.

“See? Trending upwards,” he quipped. “The Zim dollar must have just stabilized on the all ords.”

“Look,” he continued, “the ICC prefers members to stay within the parameters of the future tours program, but should windows arise, we are happy for additional fixtures to be arranged. If the BCCI all of a sudden want to play an annual T20 series in Zimbabwe, we see that as vindicating our healthy diagnosis of their stocks. We would certainly never consider that it had something to do with the BCCI currying favour with the ZCB for its own gain.”

Richardson later fielded questions over the reaction of fans to this latest backflip.

“First, of all, we don’t consider this a backflip,” he dismissed; “we consider it a postponement. And as that goes, we feel we’ve demonstrated that we’re now more decisive in the way we postpone. That, I’m sure you’ll agree, can only benefit cricket.

“Furthermore,” he added, “had we announced a proposal like this 5 years ago, it would have taken months, if not years, to postpone. We’ve done it in forty-eight hours this time. Cricket has got to be the winner when its governing body can backflip .. err … postpone that efficiently.”

In then getting to the reaction of fans, he said, “Look, our research suggests that the proposal had created a schism. A great many fans were not receptive to the new schedule.”

Asked to demonstrate how they’d made these determinations, he answered, “Well, we use algorithms to analyze debates on sports sites like ‘The Footy Almanac’, and what kept coming back was that the word ‘context’ was part of sentences containing ‘boring’ and ‘tedious’. Our reading on that is fans found context to be boring and tedious.”

When quizzed that perhaps fans were saying these things cause there’s no context, Richardson answered, “Yeah, you can twist that stuff any way you want. But we’d prefer to stick with our interpretations.”

In wrapping up the conference, Richardson had a question for the journos.

“Oh, by the way folks, on this sentence stuff, do you think it’s racist to use ‘currying favour’ in any context with the BCCI? Felt kinda awkward doing so back there.”

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  1. John Butler says

    “Our reading on that is fans found context to be boring and tedious.”

    Yep, getting harder and harder to tell satire from reality.

  2. Punxsu.... Pete says

    I’ve always found it hard, JB. But that might say more about me than the surreal developments in the US

    On the ICC’s latest proposal, I hope and pray they won’t be thwarted this time. Test Cricket desperately needs context. What they have unveiled will give it as much. Exciting times are ahead for cricket fans if all goes to plan.

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