Hebrew Couplets
Solomon’s Splendour
Solomon asked for wisdom
at the height of his splendour,
and used it to entice
the opposite gender:
700 wives with voluptuous behinds,
not to mention all those concubines.
David and Bathsheba
He watched her bathe.
‘She’s mine,’ said Dave.
Dairy Products in the New Testament
I think it’s clear that Jesus
did not approve of cheeses:
he chose to serve the multitude
dairy-friendly finger food.
Health Advice in the Old Testament
The people came from near and far
to listen to Methuselah.
The Fall of Nebuchadnezzar
He once was king of Babylon…but now
he’s drenched in dew and frolics like a cow.
Jacob’s Lament
‘The problem with my brother Esau:
his friggin’ mood is like a seesaw.’
Samson On Delilah
‘Delilah took me by the hand
and led me to the Promised Land.
With just a wiggle of her hips,
she triggered my apocalypse.’
Advice from Jonah
‘If God is calling and you bail,
you might end up inside a whale.’
The Snip Covenant
The first eight days of life are bliss.
You suck, then sleep, then poo and piss.
But then they take you to the bris…
it all goes pear-shaped after this.
The Christian Suitor
‘The sacred Song of Songs –
the Abrahamic Cupid –
decrees that you and I
should shag each other stupid.’
Garden of Eden
A multitude of monsters will be on the loose
if man and woman work out how to reproduce.
Adam and Eve by Albrecht Dürer. [Wikimedia Commons.]
Some of these poems have appeared previously in Light Poetry Magazine, Lighten Up, Little Old Lady Comedy and News Weekly.
Read more from Damian Balassone Here
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About Damian Balassone
Damian Balassone is a failed half-forward flanker who writes poetry. He is the author of 'Strange Game in a Strange Land'.
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Some beauties here Damian.
Advice for Jonah! Ha!
ha ha damo, don’t let your mammina read these…brilliant!
???
Makes me remember Jonathan Goldstein’s funny take on Adam and Eve:
The third Act in This American Life:
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/233/starting-from-scratch
Thanks for reading Dips, Will, Jim. Will, I did show mum some of these and she gave me the all-clear (phew!). Jim, thanks for the link to the Goldstein podcast. Very funny. I’m keen to get his book “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible!” now.
I love these rhymes
From Bible times
OT heroes captured succinctly
Pain and pleasure described distinctly
Many highlights but my fave?
Clearly, “She’s mine” said Dave
Amen
Thanks Marcus & nice job with your verse too. The OT is a ripper and just ripe for some cheeky verse.
The title of this article, together with the strong performance by Jacob Bethell, to help win the match for England in their 2nd innings of the recently completed 4th Ashes Test in Melbourne, got me thinking of doing a Test cricket team, where every player has either a Hebrew first name or surname, that’s biblical.
As David is a common first name, only one name of David was allowed. Plural forms are allowed. The team was selected for team balance.
This is the World Test Cricket Team of Hebrew Names that are Biblical:
DAVID Warner (David)
MATTHEW Hayden (Matthew)
DAVID BOON (David)
Marlon SAMUELS (71 Tests WI 2000-16/Samuel)
A B De Villiers (c) (Given names Abraham Benjamin)
Jimmy ADAMS (54 Tests WI 1992-2004/Adam)
Ridley JACOBS (wk) (65 Tests WI 1998-2004/Jacob)
Winston BENJAMIN (21 Tests WI 1987-95/Benjamin)
Shamar JOSEPH (11 Tests WI 2024-present/Joseph/Shama)
Alzarri JOSEPH (40 Tests WI 2016-present/Joseph)
Kenny BENJAMIN (26 Tests WI 1992-98/Benjamin)
12th man: Harry MOSES (6 Tests Australia 1887-95/Moses)
This team will play a pretend exhibition match against another World Test Cricket Team of Hebrew Names that are Biblical:
AARON Finch (5 Tests Australia 2018/Aaron)
MATTHEW Renshaw (14 Tests Australia 2016-2023/Matthew)
JACOB Bethell (5 Tests England 2024-present/Jacob)
Joe SOLOMON (27 Tests WI 1958-65/Solomon)
DAVID Hookes (23 Tests Australia 1977-85/David)
Greg MATTHEWS (33 Tests Australia 1983-93/Matthew)
Angelo MATTHEWS (c) (119 Tests Sri Lanka 2009-present/Matthew)
JACOB Oram (33 Tests NZ 2002-09/Jacob)
MATTHEW Wade (wk) (36 Tests Australia 2012-21/Matthew)
DAVID Gilbert (9 Tests Australia 1985-86/David)
MATTHEW Kuhnemann (5 Tests Australia 2023-present)
12th man: DAVID Renneberg (8 Tests Australia 1966-68/David)
Venue: Bible Stadium, Leander, TX, United States
Entertainment: Hebrew and Biblical songs
Let’s hope for a good game of cricket that we can have complete faith in!
Adam Gilchrist is stiff to miss. Also Daniel Vettori. And Josh (Joshua) Inglis.
And Isaac Vivian Alexander Richards.
No Mark, Luke, John, Peter or Paul?
And you couldn’t room for a Gideon?
Fair enough. I have decided to stick to popular Hebrew names for boys only, which for the purpose of this team are Aaron, Abraham, Adam, Daniel, David, Isaac, Jacob, Joshua, Michael, Nathan, Shamar and Simon.
The criteria is that the name can be used only once, as a first name only.
The side was also selected for team balance.
This is the World Test Cricket Team of Popular Hebrew First Names:
DAVID Warner
AARON Finch
ISAAC Vivian Alexander Richards
MICHAEL Clarke (c)
ABRAHAM Benjamin de Villiers
JOSHUA Inglis
ADAM Gilchrist (wk)
JACOB Oram
DANIEL Vettori
SIMON Doull
NATHAN Lyon
12th man: SHAMAR Joseph
Team Writer: GIDEON Haigh
Following Jacob Bethell’s first Test century in the 5th Ashes Test against Australia in Sydney today, it got me thinking of doing an amended cricket team of popular Hebrew names. Although Bethell made his Test century batting at number 3, I believe he could make a better Test opener than what Aaron Finch was and it’s also to accommodate the likes of Root, Richards, Clarke and de Villiers in the batting order.
This is the Amended World Test Cricket Team of Popular Hebrew First Names:
DAVID WARNER
JACOB Bethell
JOSEPH ROOT
ISAAC Vivian Alexander Richards
MICHAEL Clarke (c)
ABRAHAM Benjamin de Villiers
ADAM Gilchrist (wk)
DANIEL Vettori
SIMON Doull
NATHAN Lyon
JOEL Garner
12th man: JOSHUA Inglis
Concussion Sub: AARON Finch
Leaning Benjamin Stokes out of the team was an oversight. His given first name of Benjamin is eligible as Abraham Benjamin de Villiers only has Benjamin as a middle name, not as a first name. AB de Villiers did well opening the batting in his 1st ever Test match before being moved down the order as a wicketkeeper in his 2nd Test match.
This is the Amended World Test Cricket Team of Popular Hebrew Names:
DAViD Warner
ABRAHAM Benjamin de Villiers
JOSEPH Root
ISAAC Vivian Alexander Richards
MICHAEL Clarke (c)
BENJAMIN Stokes
ADAM Gilchrist (wk)
DANIEL Vettori
SIMON Doull
NATHAN Lyon
JOEL Garner
12th man: JACOB Bethall
Concussion Sub: JOSHUA Inglis
AARON Finch and SHAMAR Joseph will make up the rest of the squad.
Good work, Anon. I think we need an Old Testament XI vs. New Testament XI to cater for all the names. Of course, a Joseph could represent both teams.
These Hebrew Couplets are great DB, must have missed them first time round.
While laughing as I was reading Samson on Delilah I was reminded on the great Tom T Hall song, The Little Lady Preacher. Here is the line that came to mind: She’d punctuate the prophecy with movements of her hips.
Cheers
Thanks Damian. Yes, an Old Testament v a New Testament XI would be a good idea. Perhaps a future Footy Almanac article where the best players for both of those teams are named, as both the Old Testament and New Testament were mentioned in this article.
As Hebrew was included in the title of this article, it got me thinking of doing an equivalent football team. This time the Hebrew name could be the player’s first name or surname. (may also include an s at the end of the surname).
Once again, a future Footy Almanac article of football teams from the Old Testament v the New Testament could be a consideration.
The name can only be used once. The exception is Aaron JOSEPH, whose surname only is for this team, as Aaron was used for AARON Naughton.
Some players were named out of position, so they could fit in the team.
This is the VFL/AFL Team of Popular Hebrew Names:
B: Caleb DANIEL, NOAH Balta, Dean SOLOMON
HB: ISAAC Quaynor, SAMUEL Fisher, JOSHUA Daicos
C: NATHAN Buckley, SIMON Black, DAVID Rhys-Jones
HF: Winston ABRAHAM AARON Naughton, JAMES Hird
F: LEVI Ashcroft,, MICHAEL Roach, ADAM Goodes
R: Sam JACOBS, JOEL Selwood, BENJAMIN Cousins
Interchange: Aaron JOSEPH (Carl 2009-13), MORDECAI Bromberg (St K 1978-81), ARIEL Steinberg (Ess 2014-15), EZRA Poyas (Rich 2000-02), ETHAN Phillips (1 game Hawthorn 2023)
This team will play a pretend exhibition match against the VFL/AFL Team of German Named, named by Glen in the Footy Almanac on February 1, 2020.
Venue: Munich Olympic Stadium
Entertainment: Hebrew and German songs
Let’s hope for a good game of football where the players on both the Hebrew and German teams will mind their language!
The coach of the VFL/AFL Team of Popular Hebrew Names will be DAVID Parkin (4 flags as coach). MICHAEL Malthouse (3 flags as coach), ADAM Kingsley, JOSHUA Carr will be the Assistant Coaches. The names David, Michael, Adam and Joshua can be used again a 2nd time for the coaches.. Likewise, the name Jeremy could be used a 2nd time for JEREMY Guard, (Fitzroy 1992-95) for Security.
NOAH Anderson was considered for the team, but due to the high number of midfielders and the need for tall quality defenders, NOAH Balta was the better choice, for team balance. The exception for team balance was selecting CALEB Serong ahead of Winston Abraham, in the forward pocket, as Abraham was a better small forward. However, Serong has been All-Australian for the past 3 years, so he needed to be in the starting 18. Also, the way AFL football is played nowadays, with the number of rotations and the fact that players run all over the ground, contributed to the decision.
Caleb Daniel was no longer required as Caleb was used for Caleb Serong and Daniel was used for Daniel Rich.
Therefore, it was decided to make the defence and forward line stronger on paper, so this is the amended VFL/AFL Team of Popular Hebrew Names:
B: DANIEL Rich, NOAH Balta, Tom JONAS
HB: ISAAC Quaynor, SAMUEL Fisher, JOSHUA Daicos
C: NATHAN Buckley, SIMON Black, DAVD Rhys-Jones
HF: ADAM Goodes, AARON Naughton, JAMES Hird
F: CALEB Serong, MICHAEL Roach, JEREMY Cameron
R: Sam JACOBS, JOEL Selwood, BENJAMIN Cousins
Interchange: LEVI Ashcroft, Dean SOLOMON, Winston ABRAHAM, ELIJAH Hollands, Aaron JOSEPH
Emergencies: MORDECAI Bromberg, EZRA Poyas, ARIEL Steinberg, ETHAN Phillips
Coach: DAVID Parkin
Assistant Coaches: MICHAEL Malthouse, ADAM KIngsley, JOSHUA Carr
Security: JEREMY Guard
Excellent work, Anon. Some great gets – Ezra, Mordecai, Levi, Ethan, etc. You’ve done your homework, though disappointed to see Caleb Daniel dropped – two names in one!
And thanks, Rick, I actually have 66 of these couplets, covering the Old Testament, New Testament and Modern Times, written with the idea of a book in mind – you can have a lot of fun with religion.
And love that Tom T. Hall line. Hip movement is underrated. I salute that brilliant lyric with a glass of watermelon wine.
It’s been brought to my attention that Nasiah is a Hebrew name. Therefore, Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera has now been included in this team on the half back flank.
Leaving Isaac Henry (a 3 time All-Australian) was an oversight and he has also been included. Isaac Quaynor is therefore the unlucky player to be omitted because Isaac is now being used for Isaac Heeney.
DAVID Dench and Mal MICHAEL were included in the team to further strengthen the backline. Therefore, MICHAEL Roach was dropped, as JEREMY Cameron can also play as a full forward and is more versatile than Roach. DAVID Rhys-Jones was omitted to make way for Dench.
Although both Caleb DANIEL and DANIEL Rich were both All-Australian once, Rich was given the nod because he played more games than Caleb Daniel, although the latter is still playing. Also, towards the end of his stint with the Western Bulldogs, Caleb Daniel was dropped from the team a number of times.
This is the amended VFL/AFL Team of Hebrew Names:
B. : DANIEL Rich, DAVID Dench, Mal MICHAEL
HB: JOSHUA Daicos, SAMUEL Fisher, NASIAH Wanganeen-Milera
C: CALEB Serong, SIMON Black, NATHAN Buckley (c)
HF: ADAM Goodes, AARON Naughton, JAMES Hird
F: Winston ABRAHAM, JEREMY Cameron, ISAAC Heeney
R: Sam JACOBS, JOEL Selwood, BENJAMIN Cousins
Interchange: LEVI Ashcroft, NOAH Balta, Tom JONAS, Dean SOLOMON, Aaron JOSEPH
Emergencies: ELIJAH Hollands, MORDECAI Bromberg, EZRA Poyas, ARIEL Steinberg, ETHAN Phillips
Coach: DAVID Parkin
Assistant Coaches: MICHAEL Malthouse, ADAM Kingsley, JOSHUA Carr
Security: JEREMY Guard
With Australia having having their best Winter Olympics as far as winning Gold Medals are concerned, it got me thinking of Torah Bright, who won both Gold and Silver in the Halfpipe at the 2010 Vancouver and 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics respectively. It’s hard not to think of her, as she’s been doing commentary on channel 9 for the Halfpipe, as well as being pictured on the screen, when being interviewed by the host presenters.
Torah, of course, is very easy on the eye and her first name of Torah is of Hebrew origin.
In poetry, Torah Bright, she’s alright!
This subject got me thinking of doing football and cricket teams, where the names were either from the Old Testament or the New Testament.
However, it’s best not to go ahead with this exercise because according to Wiki, there are too many names that can come under both the Old Testament and the New Testament. Therefore, it’s been decided to keep the previous Hebrew Cricket and Football Names Teams mentioned in these comments left as they are.
Yep, Stephen that makes it difficult. A lot of New Testament writers also mention Old Testament people, which vastly adds to the list. And also a lot of New Testament names are Greek transliterations of Old Testament Hebrew names.
Was W. G. Grace mentioned in the Old Testament? He looks like something straight out of the Pentateuch.