‘Head In The Sand’ – The Sydney Examiner

The Footy Almanac, in association with Trans-Dementia Inc, is proud to present some work from the esteemed ‘Sydney Examiner’. Today, we present a recent ‘Head In The Sand’ column by the legendary Mitch Guffry.


Fellow Australians, and I’m talking to you, Ahmed, Thi, Yan, Mbomba, Kev and Dot, we are acquiring some disturbing summer traditions and I suspect they are all connected.


Drownings – I can hardly check the news of a morning, on the back veranda with a cup of tea, two sugars and milk, thanks, without reading about some poor bugger who took a dip in the local creek and never made it out. Sure, we’re used to hearing about backpackers getting into trouble at Bondi, but, by crikey, these are locals. Grandad taught me about rips at Bronte when I was a li’l tacker, I’d expect that even those drongoes on jet skis would have a clue.


Sharks – Struth, near as common as drownings. I hear there’s been a heckuva lot of whales washed up on the Westralian coast lately but that doesn’t explain the rash of attacks around Ballina. I lived up there in the early `70s and surfers did not get chewed by sharks this often.


Festival deaths – Mates, this should not be. I was there at Sunbury, Tanelorn, Narara, all the way to the first few Big Days Out, and we snorted and swallowed and smoked like there was no tomorrer. We didn’t die. Today, these poor kids eat some piece of shit and cark it. In the old days, makers tested their own shit first. There were some decent bloody craftsmen back then.


Shithouse cricket team – This’s been sneaking up on us for awhile, now laid bare for all to see. I like that Tim bloke, tho I’d like a bit more swearing. The bowlers are okay but it does my old head in when that twenty over shit comes on straight after the Tests. How about the Shield season starts and continues through the first Test series? Put some highlights on after the Testcast. Blokes playing first class can put in a few good innings and get the call-up when one of the silly dickheads in the Australian team buggers it up.


At least the chicks are doing us proud. Can’t help but wonder what pillow talk is like with Mitch and Alyssa.


The Golden Thread is our collective loss of nerve and community. These days, people look to someone else, say pill testing instead of tracking down the arseholes who made the shit and giving them a damn good thumping, accepting ‘elite pathways’ cos somehow plying one’s trade through grade and first class aint good enough anymore. I heard one of the Indian blokes giving credit to their first class comp cos they have to bowl and bowl and bowl.


Put it this way, if you take up piano and play two hours a day, you will get better quickly. If you play for ten minutes cos you’re worried about the tendons in your hand, you’re wasting your time.


Drowning in the creek? Where are your mates? See, I aint one to judge you for swimming while off your chops, not after night surfing at Cronulla while tripping, the waves curl over smooth and easy like honey, but keep your bloody nerve, son!


Goes for all those bloody batsmen, getting out for 30, should have their eye in and aiming for 130.


I’m Mitch Guffry and that’s my opinion. Luvyazall.


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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.

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