Half time

Half Time. Collingwood vs Someone.



“Hey, Rex, don’t invade my personal space!”


“It’s half time, mate. I just landed on you going for a pack mark!”


“You got HIGH, Bru!”


“Too right! It as scary! I think I even pizzed a little on the way down!”


“Well, whatever. Go sit over there!”


“Coach, can we get bigger rooms? Everybody’s breathing on me!”


“Suck it up, Princess!”


“Hey, that’s not fair on our sister players.”


“Mate, the WAFL has just been cancelled, mid finals.”


“So who won?”


“No one.”


“No one? How ya gunna have the party of your life without a premiership?”


“Don’t you get it mate?” There’s so socialising. AT ALL!”


“… Not even a footy trip?”




“Then what’s the point in winning a premiership?”


“Hey, pipe down! I want to give my address to the players.”


“Up yours, Coach! They’re gunna cancel the season after Round 1 anyway.”


“Up mine!? Did you say-”


“Yeah, what of it? It’s my last year anyways. I just busted my gut for 5 months for one game of footy. Up yours, plenty!”


“I know, Bru! Why do you think I’m going for all those speckies? Mark of the Year, brother! A new car! The comp to win it will be 1/23rd of the usual.”


“Plus finals.”


“Oh. Yeah! Plus finals!”


“Well, I’ve got nothing to lose, then. Second half, I’m running out of the back pocket like anything! Gunna Phil Manasa!”


“Who’s he?


“Yeah, Phil who?”


“Okay, Peter Matera!”




“Um… Mick McGuane?”




“WHATEVER! Don’t look for no handballs. I’m gunna run and bounce until they pile on top of me.”


“Freddy. You’re our team leader. You’re not saying much.”


“Look, Freddy’s standing…”


“He’s gunna give one of those epic speeches…!”


“Duck’s guts…!”






“I can feel my hair tingling already…”


“Boys… Handball to me. This club has won jack shit in the last 40 years. We play well, we’ll go down in history as finishing the year on top of the ladder!”






“Alright…! Hang on. So why handball to you?”


“Boys, if this is all we’ve got, I want to give yas EVERYTHING!”


“You beauty, Freddy!”




“Psst… hey Freddy. I just put that $500 on yas, like you asked me. To win the Brownlow in a nine-place tie…”


“Boys… now boys…”


“You dirty mongrel!”


“Oi! Oi! As your coach, may I remind you bashing your captain might lead to you getting the virus!”


“He’s right! Freddy bled all over me!”


“Well, team, we still have a half, if you play the defensive game plan I’ve drilled inta yas, we-”


“Bugger that!”


“Yeah, I’m going for it!”


“Let’s ALL take speckies!”


“Joe, just run up my back mate! I’ll prop for ya!”


“My opponent and I are waxing He reckons he’s gunna boost me!”


“Haha, that Mick’s a classic!”


“I had a word to their full back. My mum’s put $1,000 on me finishing the year the leading goal kicker!”


“You’re a flanker.”


“At best!”


“I know. The odds are bloody brilliant!”


“Hey, Coach, I got a question…”


“Who’s that?”


“The new kid…”


“Sigh. Yeah, Kid, what is it?”


“Um. This is a global pandemic, right?”




‘We’re not allowed to drink drive, or take recreational drugs, biffo, or do ANYTHING because we’re role models, representing our club, and our community. As players of the most popular sport in a sporting nation we are in a position of huge influence to our followers.”


“That’s right!”




“Think of the skid lids!”


“Groan. Yes, Kid, that’s what we teach you. What’s your question?”


“Well, then, why are we playing footy?”




“We’re milling. Touching. Tackling. Singing the song arm-in-arm.”


“It’s still only half time! Don’t get ahead of yourselves!”


“Shut up, Mick!”


“Full backs…”


“I mean, Coach, shouldn’t we be leading by example and NOT playing? Putting the community ahead of our won glory? Won’t that save lives?”


“Kid…sigh… Kid, kid, kid…”


“Psst, this is gunna be e.p.i.c!”


“You’re not looking at the bigger picture, Kid. We have to give people hope!”


“You mean entertainment?”


“The best game on Earth!”


“A billion dollar business.”


“Shut up, Kid.”


“Yeah, bloody Commie!”


“Okay, Boys! Half time’s over. Get out there and slay ‘em!”


“A good cough’ll do it!”


“That new kid’s annoying.”


“Anyone would think he has grandparents.”


“Stupid virus!”


“I think I already have it. Stuff you all, I’m tackling everyone!”


“I’ve got to admit, as a ruckman, I feel pretty silly, bumping and slipping all over Grundy for two hours, then fist pumping for health reasons…”




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  1. A brilliant sum up of round 1.

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