Grand Final 2. The sequel is never as good.

As those inside AFL House rub their hands with glee and dive, Scrooge McDuck-like into piles of gold, the rest of us are left with the emotionally draining prospect of another four quarters of nerve-jangling Grand Final football.

Collingwood was brilliant but wasteful in the first half last Saturday. St Kilda were strong and brave in the second. But the result means we get a sequel to what was possibly one of the best Grand Finals of all time. From early ticket sales, it’s already looking as though the sequel will be as popular at the box office as the original, but what will the critics think? With this in mind, let’s take a look at how the Grand Final will be if it was played out like other famous sequels.

Jaws 2

Synopsis: Same shit. Different beach.

This would be more accurate if it was 1991 and the Grand Final was being played at Waverley instead of at the MCG. Someone will get eaten (injured) early but the result will feel pretty much like the first.

Godfather 2

Synopsis: Same players, but everyone’s a little wiser for the experience.

One team will dominate all aspects of the game until the other side gets pissed off and starts sniping people. Look for Travis Cloke/Steven Milne to die in a hail of bullets on their way out of the ground.

Grease 2

Synopsis: Two completely different sides are picked, confuses everyone.

A huge crowd will flock with great expectations until right before the bounce, both Collingwood and St Kilda make wholesale changes to their line ups. The rest of the day is spent feverishly looking from the field to your footy record asking aloud “Who the %$&# is that guy?”

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Synopsis: Better than the original but with a fizzer of an ending.

The bad guys (Collingwood) storm the good guys early forcing them into a hasty retreat. At half time, young Reiwoldt gets some inspiring advice from a wrinkly midget with a walking stick. He comes out in the second half with a different mindset but ends up requiring hand surgery.

The Next Karate Kid

Synopsis: Crap. But the making of a future champion.

Starred a young Hilary Swank (20) who went on to win the movie equivalent of the Brownlow. Good news for Pies fans with two potential nominees in Jarryd Blair and Dayne Beams. Saints fans will be hoping Rhys Stanley gets a call up. (notably, all four have a ‘y’ in their first name. Spooky!)

Teen Wolf Too

Synopsis: Yikes.

This could be one if either Lenny Hayes or Brendan Goddard are too embarrassed to show up and be apart of this weekend’s sequel. Every other player will go through the same motions, but something will be glaringly missing from the game. Oh, that’s it…a decent script.

Revenge Of The Nerds 2: Nerds In Paradise.

Synopsis: Players grab the cash and head north.

Hang on, this is more like Gary Ablett Jr leaving for the Gold Coast….. but you get the drift.


  1. David Downer says

    Well done Chris – some crackers here. This provides some much-needed comic relief in another excruiating week!

    Any room for “Police Academy 2” or the “Gods Must Be Crazy II”?


  2. I promise that this will be my last Geelong flavoured comment on the big one.

    Robocop 2? (Billy Brownless and David Mensch get engineered to become 2/3 man and 1/3 centre half forward of destruction)
    Mad Max 2? (Max Rooke goes on a one man crusade through the country to destroy the Gold Coast Suns and rescue Gazza)
    Toy Story 2? (Bomber spits our 100000 toys out of his cot only to collect them back again with his mate Lingy)
    The Empire Strikes Back? (Geelong’s catchcry for season 2011, to thwart the ‘goodness’ of the mainstream media…)

  3. Rocky 2
    The battler (saints) who got up off the canvas (24 point down) to score a draw in Rocky 1 now fights for the real belt (cup)The champ looks good in the opening rounds but is finally slain by a barrage of punches (goals) from the challenger. Unfortunately still gets to go home with same scrubber.

  4. The first one was like Easy Rider.

    Everyone walked out of the theatre stunned because of the final scene.

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