Giga Bites 7 – Director’s Cut

Below is an extended version of Giga Bites, which appeared in the Saturday Age on 19th March, 2011.

by Andrew Gigacz


Depending on which trend-line one follows, the news regarding Richmond’s Round 1 prospects is either bad or worse. If a line is drawn through the Tigers’ last two season-opening clashes against the Blues (losses of 83 points in 2009 and 56 points last year), then Damian Hardwick’s men are heading for another loss, albeit by only 29 points this time. A continuation of that trend will see the Tigers lose by just 2 points in next year’s opening round, before they finally crack it for a 25-point win in Round One, 2013.


On the other hand, a look at the last three regular season matches between these two sides reveals three wins to Carlton by 20 points (R15, 2009), 56 points (R1, 2010) and 89 points (R20, 2010). Successive increases of 36 and 33 points in those winning margins suggest another 30 points could be added to the next margin, meaning Carlton can look forward to a whopping 119-point victory this Thursday night!


37 years after one R. Nixon’s career came crashing down as a result of scandal, that of another is hanging by a thread. With the potential cancellation of his licence it remains to be seen if Ricky Nixon will remain in the news. Despite extensive investigation, Giga Bites is unable to confirm rumours of the creation of a tell-all website, to be known as either ‘Ricky-Leaks’ or ‘Ricky-Nicky-Leaks’.


James Hird’s tenure as Essendon coach is off to a bright start with the Bombers making it all the way to the pre-season Grand Final. And if history is anything to go by the honeymoon should continue until at least Round One of the real stuff. The records show that in all previous seasons in which a new team has been added to the league (1908, 1925, 1987, 1991, 1995 and 1997), Essendon has won its first game in that year. The Dons’ proud first-up record extends even to the inaugural VFL season of 1897.


And the news just gets better for Hird and Bomber fans. The Dons’ opening match pits them against the Western Bulldogs and the last four occasions these two sides have met in Round One has seen Essendon take the points. The teams have met 12 times in Round Ones past and the Bombers have an overall win-loss record in those games of 8-4. Even the four games Essendon lost were all by margins of under a goal.


Despite continued on-field success, rumours abound that not everything is rosy behind the scenes at Collingwood. Talk continues to surface regarding the future of current coach Mick Malthouse, and whether the Pies’ coaching succession plan will go ahead. Despite extensive investigation, Giga Bites is unable to confirm rumours of the creation of a tell-all website, to be known as ‘Micky-Leaks’.


Despite losing their final practice match against North Melbourne last Saturday, the game proved at least to be an exercise in self-recognition for the Western Bulldogs. The progressive behinds tally of Rodney Eade’s team over four quarters was 2,4,6,9 and 2469 is the postcode of a place in NSW called… Bulldog.


What was seen by many as a messy handling of the end of Mark Thompson’s coaching career at Geelong, has prompted some historians to look at previous coaching regimes at the Cattery and how they were overseen by the administration, stretching all the way back to the 1950s. Despite extensive investigation, Giga Bites is unable to confirm rumours of the creation of a tell-all website on this topic, to be known as ‘Reg-Hickey-Leaks’.


Brisbane Roar’s come-from-behind victory against Central Coast in the A-League grand final led to some wild celebrations amongst supporters. Despite extensive investigation, and the fact that it is an anagram of BRISBANE ROAR, Giga Bites is unable to confirm rumours that the behaviour resulted in AIRBORNE BRAS.

For more of Andrew Gigacz’s weird facts and figures from the world of sport and beyond, visit

About Andrew Gigacz

Well, here we are. The Bulldogs have won a flag. What do I do now?

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