Almanac Footy: Gather Round – why stop here?!

 

We’re smack bang in the middle of Gather Round and what a round it is! Adelaide and its hills are rocking with a footy fervour almost unmatched anywhere and at any time. It’s so good that it got me thinking. “Why stop here?”, I asked myself. Why not kill the golden goose that is Gather Round by flooding the footy calendar with other similarly themed rounds.

 

Filled with that entrepreneurial footy spirit, I have devised a host of other rounds that I think should be immediately added to the footy fixture. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Blather Round
A week in which commentators talk in a long-winded way without making very much sense. Many fans will of course argue that this actually occurs every week.

 

Slather Round
A round in which openly harsh criticism of all things footy is not only tolerated but encouraged. Inspired by the radio segment Slather and Whack introduced by Harry Beitzel on 3AW Football in the ’80s.

 

Hither and Thither Round
Almost like a reverse Gather Round (and not unlike 1952’s Propaganda Round), the round’s nine games will be played at nine far-flung venues around the nation.

 

Feather Round
One for the birds. The Crows, the Eagles, the Swans, the Hawks and the Magpies all get to play at home. (Fans of feline-themed clubs – The Cats, Tigers and Lions – who feel disadvantaged by this could make a case for Panther Round.)

 

Father Round
This will obviously take place on the first weekend in September to coincide with Father’s Day.

 

Mother Round
As above, but on the second weekend in May.

 

Brother Round
Obviously there’s no Brother’s Day but in this round great footballing brothers will be remembered with pride. There’s no shortage of families who could be celebrated here: The Jarmans, Lou and Ron Richards, The Maddens, The Selwoods, The Morwoods and so on.

 

Some of the players who lived in their brother’s shadow could also feature this round, such as Leigh Matthews’ brother Kelvin. And then there’s Geoff and Daryl Cunningham, Wayne and Daryl Schimmelbusch. (Geoff: “This is my brother Daryl.” Wayne: “This is my other brother Daryl.”*).

 

Even the brothers of Chris Grant (Jamie), Neil Balme (Craig) and Robbie Flower (Tom) all briefly played V/AFL footy, and deserve a moment in the footy spotlight.

 

* This joke is for those who were regular watchers of the brilliant 1980s sitcom, ‘Newhart’.

 

Smother Round
An entire weekend celebrating a vital but criminally underrated and underappreciated aspect of the world’s greatest game.

 

Bother Round
All games are scheduled at times and venues that provide maximum inconvenience to fans, players and club administrators. (Again, some fans might claim this actually occurs in most rounds.)

 

Lather Round
A celebration of cleanliness through the liberal use of soap. All games in this round will sponsored by Cussons Imperial Leather…

 

Leather Round
…which takes us from lather to leather. This could be a simple celebration of ball and boot, or… footballers and fans alike might like to take Leather Round off in other directions, depending on their fetishes.

 

Weather Round
All games are played at venues subject to potentially extreme weather. The round may have to be split over several dates to provide a greater chance of extreme weather (e.g. matches in Cairns and Darwin during cyclone season) for each game.

 

Wither Round
To be held late in the home-and-away season, this round will be a combined lament for, and celebration of, those teams who can no longer make the eight.

 

Dither Round
In this round the favourite in each match does not get its act together early and falls well behind, before making a late comeback. That team may or may not win.

 

Bather Round
Held in the warmer months of the season. Fans are encouraged to attend games wearing bathers/togs/cossies or whatever other word they use to describe swimwear.

 

Other Round
After instituting all the new rounds above, and considering all existing commemorative rounds (Indigenous, ANZAC, Gather etc), chances are there’ll only be one round left without a celebratory designation. This will obviously be known as the Other Round.

 

 

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