Gang of Thieves
The following news report was leaked from the Channel 9 newsroom, where it had apparently been considered so controversial that it was spiked.
Victoria Police are concerned that a highly organised gang of thieves has effected a series of robberies in various parts of Melbourne in recent months. These highly professional miscreants masterminded by a certain Pendlebury (Fagin to informed insiders, because of his penchant for organising more youthful operatives to carry out the deeds) are typically decked out in their identifiable black and white clothing.
A notorious instance of the gang’s activities occurred in late July. The victims were a family from the north-western suburbs, which has endured considerable discord during 2022. A young member of the family (H. Jones) left a door to the premises ajar while he attended to some domestic task in the backyard. Pendlebury engineered the heist, with Moore and Elliott as the operatives. A source close to the gang brazenly disclosed details of this operation to a journalist from the Melbourne Age. This led to publication, clearly designed as a taunt to police and a threat to other householders.
The unfortunate consequence of this incident was an exacerbation of domestic tensions in this household leading to a serious relationship breakdown. Sadly the father, previously a caring parent and conscientious citizen, has been cast out of home.
Unfortunately, another family suffered a daring raid on the weekend just passed. This once wealthy inner northern suburbs family has fallen on hard times, although there has been something of a revival in their fortunes during 2022. Late on Sunday afternoon, all seemed right in their world, However, the family left the property for a constitutional and inexplicably left all doors wide open. This allowed Johnson, McCreery and (inevitably) Elliott to waltz in and depart with the spoils. Unhappily, the insurance claim has been rejected on grounds of the owners’ contributory negligence. Police have discounted wild rumours of an “inside Job”.
A recurring prize from these raids are copies of a limited edition sculpture titled “four points”. When purloined, these artworks are secreted for safe-keeping in a palatial waterfront office on the western edge of the Melbourne CBD, where a controversial business identity, G. McLachlan, is the kingpin. There have been some fanciful suggestions that he may be a fence, but to date he has managed to remain a cleanskin in the eyes of the constabulary.
Interestingly there was a recent attempt by the gang to extend their operations to Sydney, but their plans were thwarted by careful attention to home security by the conscientious householder, Longmire. His eastern suburbs domain remained uncompromised, and Pendlebury and his associates left the northern capital empty handed.
Police intelligence suggests that the gang, which has yet to be brought to book, is planning further raids in coming weeks. Vicpol Command has urged all householders who might be in the gang’s target area to be especially vigilant.
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About Peter Fuller
Well played Peter. I guess all you can do is laugh at this stage of the season.
Further to this I have heard that Pendlebury and co broke in to the Collingwood Police Station and stole all of the toilets. The cops don’t have much else to go on.
Trish boom, Swish. Peter, I thought of you on Sunday afternoon, initially anticipating your elation but, alas, ultimately sympathising with your deflation. One bloody point doth a season condemn! Commiserations.
Haha love it, Peter!!
Absolutely brilliant Peter I have shared it on several pies facebook pages
Very clever Peter. There are far too many opportunists about for my liking. Pending targets will need to be extremely diligent.
Gold Peter, gold!
Laughing as an alternative to crying? That’s the spirit, Peter.
I’m still at the processing stage myself.
Thanks everyone for comments.
Swish, it’s just the kind of nefarious deed that we’d expect from these ne’er do wells.
JB, great to hear from you. I hope that you’re enjoying book retailing in Ballarat.
I’ve actually surprised myself, by my resigned reaction. From the time of the wasteful loss in Adelaide (round 20), I expected that we’d get nothing from Brisbane, Melbourne and Collingwood, so I was pleasantly surprised by the performances in the final two matches – while obviously being disappointed by the narrow losses. Clearly, losing from a 25 point advantage in the final quarter was inexcusable, but I think the lesson from those two defeats is a need for steadiness. We know some teams rehearse the final minutes of matches (and even quarters). If Carlton practise that, they lack the calmness to implement the structures. One hopes that the pain of what might have been burns within playing group and coaches, and that this year’s improvement can be the foundation for better times ahead.
I’ve been waiting for 35 years for the reincarnation of Bruce Doull, as he epitomised that calming influence. Not merely one of the finest players but he made everyone around him better. Garrie Hutchinson once remarked that if there was a unit of measure of reliability, it would be a “doull”.
A spokesman for Carlton enterprises, a Mr A.Pacino allegedly said:
“i don’t understand it, got our finest legal mind, Mr J. Cochrane to overturn the tribunal ban on Cripps just like Jack would have done and no wins in two weeks!”
Another spokesman for Carlton enterprises, a Mr M.Brando allegedly said:
“I don’t understand it, I used all our draft choices and all my daughter’s wedding present money to buy Cerra, Hewitt and Young and still no finals!”
Another spokesman for Carlton enterprises, a Mr A.Daley allegedly said:
“I don’t understand it, I showed the umpires some interesting holiday snaps at half time just like George would have done it and got some frees in front of goal in the third quarter. But after that, not a sausage!”
An ex member of Carlton Enterprises, one Professor Fate, allegedly stated:
“I still want to win my way, by cheating!!!”
Thank you George, I was keenly anticipating a response from the Magpie army, and you have excelled yourself.
I actually thing Arfur might be relegated to one of the lesser coteries, although Terry could be useful in keeping tabs on the Morans
Yours in humour,
PF
Only one word Peter
brilliant
But as a Bulldogs supporter I am providing a character reference for the highly organised gang of thieves .
Absolutely brilliant Peter! Keep a close guard on your house, I hear a Bellarine heist is on the cards next weekend.