Free to air your grievances

If the sport didn’t happen on free to air, it didn’t happen. Cricket Australia and the thirty percent cable viewers please take note.

Hawthorn Hawks played the Essendon witches hats on Friday night in a match that had all the tension of a Playschool marathon. It was over in the first quarter, but luckily I was sharing a few jars with Trucker Slim with the sound down and a grab bag of the latest music on the stereo. Slim is such a Hawk fanatic he’ll jump out of his seat with a cry of “what a mark!” when a Hawthorn player takes a simple chesty from his bestie. The game was over in the first quarter, however Slim maintained his interest while I took careful note of the east to west grain on his wooden coffee table. Hawthorn and Paul Simon’s new album ‘Stranger to Stranger’ were the big winners on the night.

In a reversal of fortune worthy of Jeremy Irons on Saturday night North Melbourne lost to Geelong when they ran out of fit players, just like Richmond did to them the previous week. In a ripper first half it was tough, head-over-the-ball footy, but by the second half North fell over like a teenager submarining wine spritzers at their first school social, then Selwood and Dangerfield roamed as freely as newlyweds at a keys in the bowl party. The game was marred having to listen to the Saturday night commentary team. Luke Darcy, the bloke so bland he makes paper bags appear to be a Louis Vitton masterpiece, uttered the words after a spectacular play earlier in the year “that was so good I don’t know what to say”; time to take up mime classes Darce. Brian Taylor speaks with the voice of a man smirking at his own perceived cleverness, because once is never clever enough for Taylor when twenty times will do. BT is the only man since Ron Jeremy capable of giving himself a BJ.

Richmond was voted least worthy of a win when they downed the Gold Coast on Sunday. Dusty Martin boganed his way through the opposition to drag the Tigers over the line. Dusty likes to put out the ‘don’t argue’ to any player trying to tackle him, a technique I believe he mastered on King St.

Melbourne made the long weekend worthwhile when they downed the insipid Pies on her Royal Richness’ birthday. The Magpie supporters aren’t an army, unless you know an Army that would whinge the beach was too sandy and the Turks fight too hard. Max Gawn Ned Kellied his way into everyone’s hearts and when they miked him up for sounds of the game and it reminded me just how young footballers are as his high voice cracked when shouting on the ground. The holiday will be cancelled next year if we cop BT two times in the one weekend again; that’s giving us more penance than a paedophile priest.

Keep a lookout for Footyology on channel 31 at 7.30pm on a Tuesday; it’s a throwback footy show with no production values, awkward pauses, but a love of the game. Rohan Connelly hosts, trying too hard for humour in is lengthy intros and Mark “Finey” Fine appears to be on the spectrum as he has a lot of trouble looking anybody in the eye, but these blokes know and love their footy. There’s honesty to the show that the slick productions on commercial TV could never hope to capture, so tune in and you might even see a tweet from Lord Bogan.


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  1. Andrew Fithall says

    Fine work Mr Q. A successor to The Wrap? I think you are the one.

  2. Stone Cold Steve Baker says

    Oh dear… to borrow from Fred Negro, “if that’s not [the funniest wrap of the weekend’s footy] you can root me.”

    Simply outstanding MQ. Outstanding.

  3. “Boganed” 9.7. “Ned Kellied” 9.8. Like the Russian Judge I’m leaving myself somewhere to go next week. Superb.
    No mention of our Eagles. Did you choose the Free to Air theme, or are you refusing to snip down the pub to watch them on Foxtel? I’ll have what you’re not having.

  4. Thanks Matt.

    It’s a matter of existential terror for me that after Dennis retires he might be replaced by BT.

    This would be akin to substituting a mate’s Beatles albums with Supernaut CD’s.

  5. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Matty Q,
    “That was so good I don’t know what to say”…
    You’ve left some indelible lines and images with me that’s for sure. BT, Hedgehog Jeremy and the BJ cannot be un-imagined now. What is about Slim Kane and Hawthorn bringing out the 12 year old in him so easily? He is such a sensitive, critical-thinking and discerning soul in most other areas.

    Footyology is a beauty. The first episode looked like two homeless, middle-aged footy journos had somehow crossed over into a Channel 31 Twilight Zone. Watch it every week, good old-fashioned no finessin’ footy talk that fans can relate to.

  6. John Butler says

    Superb MQ.

    Though the paper bag is consulting his lawyer about being mentioned in the same sentence as Darcy.

    Sadly, might struggle to get Ch 31 in the ‘Rat.

    Lord B, aren’t most middle-aged footy journos homeless now? Or about to be?


  7. Bill Martino says

    Regarding Dustin Martin’s King St technique, I’m looking forward to the day when an opposition player grabs his ‘don’t argue’ arm and sends him flying arse-over-tit.

  8. Luke Reynolds says

    Matt Quartermaine and Trucker Slim on the jars. Reckon that would be a quality night of entertainment.
    Most apt description of L.Darcy the commentator I’ve ever read.
    Like JB, sadly C31 reach doesn’t extend to the Colac Otway Shire.

  9. Great stuff Matt some classic lines and re channel 31 footy show if you like,Rohan Connolly on face book it is posted on that which is where I watch it thank you !

  10. Looking forward to next week’s edition, Matty.

  11. Trucker Slim says

    Very funny Matt and mostly spot on. Except the bit about me over-reacting to another great Hawks mark or run or defensive play ot tackle or goal or just something Cyril did. Paul Simon record is excellent. He even does a duet with Dion. But is it as good as Beyonce or Loretta Lynn?

  12. Thanks AF but I am not worthy of the Wrap’s mantle, he knows what he’s talking about.
    Bakes thanks for the root.
    Mickey, BT is more ABBA to me. Hugely popular and unlistenable.
    Phil, maybe we’re all 12 year olds after all I got excited when i saw your tweet on Footyology saying “I know him.”
    John, Rulebook points out you can watch Footyology by friending Rohan Connelly on Facebook.
    That’s it Bill, get your anger out over a bloke in a footy jumper and not some old lady in a car at the traffic lights.
    Ta Luke, Facebook Rohan Connelly you country bumpkin.
    You very Thank I Rulebook.
    Just what I need Smokie, more unpaid work.
    You really are a friggin’ 12 year old Trucker.

  13. Nice Matty Q.

    And excellent tactics to have a distraction while watching the bloody Hawks with bloody Trucker.

  14. PB I got a PVR so I can watch the games later now without the ads or half time/quarter time breaks, so long as I keep off the internet. I won’t go to the pub by myself to watch the footy.

  15. Blood oath Les.

  16. Just get Foxtel Matty ?

  17. Great stuff Matty, except for one thing. I didn’t watch the Hawthorn game because I knew it would be boring. The Paul Simon record, on the other hand, well the boringness (my turn to make up a work. Nowhere as good as boganed I’ll grant you but we try) of that absolutely caught me off guard. If you and the Trucker rate it, well then I might need to listen to it again, this time as the soundtrack to a dull game.

  18. Word not work, obviously. No glasses again.

  19. Simon, may as well say just get a Ferrari. Other priorities in a family with 2 self-employed (casual?) parents.
    PC try the new Monkeys album if you like catchy 60’s pop or Beyonce and Radiohead at each end of the spectrum also doing it for me at the moment.

  20. Loving the Monkees (tracked it down on your recommendation). Still struggling with Radiohead as I always seem to do. Beyonce hear i come.

  21. Bill Martino says

    Nope, not anger, Matty old chap, don’t care enough about the guy for that. Just looking forward to a good laugh when it happens.

  22. Like PB, I love a new verb. Very entertaining MQ.

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