Football writer

Apologies to Lennon/McCartney (I think it was the latter)

Dear Sports Ed, won’t you read my stuff
I can make a sentence, so I’m good enough
Never really played much footy before
Failed first-year law
And now I wanna be a football writer
Football writer

Irony drips from my poison pen
I can do cross-promos on SEN
Join real players on a TV show
That promotes me, so
I’ll be a credible football writer
Football writer

Melbourne’s hurting on and off the field?
Do a hindsight piece blaming Mark Neeld
Always knew he couldn’t do the job
So I’ll join the lynch mob
With every other football writer
Football writer

Josh Hunt falters at a critical stage
So I’ll put his picture on the back page
That’s a mistake that I never made
’Cause I never played
I’m a typical football writer
Football writer

If there’s no story for a week or two
I’ll just do Andrew Demetriou
The tribunal’s always there to write about
It’s an easy out
For the lazy football writer
Football writer

In the olden days Alf Brown they say
He went to the footy every Saturday
He just reported what he’d see and hear
Had no idea
What it takes to be a football writer
Football writer


  1. Lovely work and some valid points there! A Beatles tragic so I was able to ‘sing’ your piece rather than read it! Loved “Melbourne’s hurting on and off the field? Do a hindsight piece blaming Mark Neeld”

  2. Andrew Starkie says

    I’m not sure why but recently retired players who move seamlessly into the commentary box make me feel really uncomfortable. Actually, it’s more than that – they shit me to tears. It’s Richo, Lingy and Harley at the moment. Maybe it’s their over use of cliches and the fact they make the switch so quickly and naturally. Not sure why, but it shits me.

    Matthew Lloyd annoys me the most this season. TV, radio, newspaper, everywhere. All of a sudden his word is gospel.

    I almost drove off the road during the Indigenous round when he said on AW radio, ‘The AFL hasn’t got the pregame entertainment for the Dreamtime game right.’ I thought, Fuck, Matthew, you just don’t get it, do you? Not everything is about entertainment. Through the IR, the AFL is making a serious statement about reconciliation and you want bells and whistles. Go and play PS2 on your mother’s couch.

    I didn’t read his recent article about J Hunt, but understand he was pretty scathing. He appears to have quickly forgotten what it takes to play football. I’m sure we could go back through the tapes and find an occasion he didn’t go as hard as he could. Again he arrogantly declared on AW, ‘I’m sure Hunt will go harder this week’, suggesting Josh will be jolted into becoming a more courageous player on the back of his stupid ghost written article. Get your hand off it, mate.

    While I’m at it, current players shouldn’t be allowed in the tv commentary box. I don’t know, it’s all too cosy for me.

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