Fish Fingers, Aliens and losing to Essendon.

Pretend I wrote this next week. I’m not being negative, well I am but it’s because I can’t bare the suspense of being positive all week only to suffer so greatly. I’m not one of those Carlton supporters who yells abuse at his own players, I’m not. Really. Im just desperate. That’s all.

MONDAY 10th June

Oh man…..last week was a shocker for me. Work went to the next level and basically consumed me and then my 3 and 2 year olds developed this cough that is akin to an alien. Its mission is to let nobody sleep in our house. It lulls you into a false sense of security for an hour or so in the dead of the night only to unfurl itself upon the household gently. A single cough perhaps. You lie dead still hoping the tickle in the throat has indeed been tickled and is now entirely satisfied. But the alien has only just begun its work of evil. Time does not exist. You don’t know how long has passed since that first stirring but the alien has worked itself into a full fit now and you are up, leaning over the cot and patting, eyes open – brain closed. Then the other one begins as another alien answers the call……And your night is given over…..

It’s winter. Creatively I’m at my lowest ebb….my family is a river of snot. There is not much good to be sourced in my tiny little life. I’ve just downloaded the AFL app and subscribed to watch any game I want on my mobile phone. It’s both a relationship maker and breaker depending on your discretion. I spent all of last week after Carlton’s win against Greater Western Sydney looking at the ladder. We are sixth on percentage. Sixth! And if we’d have beaten the Bombers we were as good as 5th with our eyes on 4th. You understand by now, that this………. my team winning….. is all I have in my life right now. You understand this of course – we are supporters. but I ask you why the hell didn’t Marc Murphy understand this? Why didn’t Chris Judd get it? Bugger Mick and his process I needed a win goddamn it.

What the hell is Mitch still doing in the team slamming the ball onto his boot ten meters out from the oppositions goal into a wall of Essendon players AGAIN. This is not some district league. Oh and who was responsible for selecting Carrots, Eddie and Robbie and Juddy all to come back in at once ey? I could have told you we’d run out of legs.

Im just asking why, when my last week has been rather shitty did my team not think of me in my little world just needing a simple victory or at best a hard fought loss? Id take a hard fought loss where Essendon actually prove themselves as a formidable opponent because we force them to do so by being switched on from the very fist bounce. Attacking fiercely, closing down space, not allowing Jetta to come through the corridor and kick easy goals from 45 out in each bloody quarter. Sure….we charged back into the game after 6 goals straight and we even hit the godamned front but every Blues supporter knew we only had 10 minutes of this footy in us. Why does this keep on happening? Didn’t the players have a shit week? Dont some of them have kids and get caught up in the mundanity of life and need a win just as desperately as I do? Or are they just enjoying each others company throughout the week and the occasional coffee and bowl of bloody gnocchi at the Carlton Social Club Cafe?Goddamn you Carlton I needed this. I needed to keep looking at the ladder on my brand new app to see what was possible if we knocked over the Hawks next week. Imagine that! Can’t? Of course we bloody can’t. They are going to smell weakness and go in for the kill and winter is going to be shit. Really shit!!!

Oh Carlton, I’m angry because I love you. All of you. All my players…But for the love of god for nigh on 4 years now we’ve failed the litmus test.

My girlfriend went away on Friday afternoon for the first time since we had kids. I had them all weekend and I was really looking forward to it. I took Friday afternoon off work so I could get her to the airport on time and then I cooked some fish fingers for the kids, thanked the lord it gets dark early so I could con the little blokes it was way past bed time, reheated the uneaten fish fingers, cracked a tinny and sat down to watch my team make the ensuing weekend a little easier than it otherwise would have been and WHAT DID I SEE? I saw Marc Murphy asleep at the wheel with a heavy tag. I know he didn’t get a preseason in but neither did I!!!!!!!!! I saw Chris Judd tighten up in his hammy and play in a forward pocket and I saw Jarrad Waite tackle Carlisle late, give a 50m penalty which resulted in a Bomber goal and Mick Malthouse make his way to our bench to coach from the sideline 19 minutes into the first bloody quarter.

I did not see much else that night because like the cruel beast it is, the alien that has taken over our house, reared its ugly head. I put down my fish fingers, swiped the mayonnaise and sauce mixture Id prepared and sucked my finger clean. It would be an hour or so spent in the hallway, listening outside the door watching the game on my mobile phone in between patting bottoms. When finally the alien had its fill and retreated inside for another hour I spilled into my lounge room, looked at my twice reheated fish fingers, glimpsed the score and saw Murphy wearing the red vest and in a tracksuit.

Godamn you Robert Walls for your article on Friday. Just shut the hell up. Someone stop him writing about my team. His bloody team. Or at least swing him onto a Monday article. I can’t bare this any more. Don’t send Jamo onto SEN to talk about accountability and how they’ve let us supporters down. Just make sure each and every player has a miserable week. No cards for Eddie and his gang post skills session. No hats for Mitch Robinson. I want those with kids to get little sleep and those without to have the heating in their apartment stop working. I want life to become small and tedious just like mine. And I want to roll up to the G against the Hawks with only one way to rectify it – for us all.


  1. If Robert Walls writes that Friday article we’re @#$*ed… no two ways about it.

  2. Jerry Rinse says

    He wrote the bloody article Litza. He wrote the bloody article

  3. John Butler says

    This is what it has come to – Blues fans now sounding like Sainters.

    I feel like football life has gone full circle.

  4. Jerry rinse says

    Great article.
    I wonder though did the saints circa 70’s and 80 ever have to contend w such a fool as Robert walls sticking needles into Sainter voodoo dolls?
    We were a chance right up until The Age went to print this morning.

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