First Test: Day 4 – Carnage

Australia 397 and 4d/290
South Africa 206  and 200 (MG Johnson 5/59)
by 281 runs

–       That’s a fuckin’ jumper.
–       Birthday present.
–       Purple’s your colour.
–       Fuck off.
–       I’m serious. Man o’ your age. It’s brave.
–       Fuck off.
– Roddy Doyle, Two pints

Resumption: Australia 3/288 (SE Marsh 44*, MJ Clarke 17*) lead by 480 runs

–       I need this pint.
–       I know.
–       No, no I really need it.
–       You look a bit flagged. What were you up to?
–       Writing the last rites for the South Africans.
–       D’yeh think this’ll be the last day, then?
–       Shit, yeah. O’ course.
–       Yeah. Johnson will cream ‘em.
–       Yeah.
–       When will Clarke declare it?
–       Reckon he’ll give Marsh ‘is fifty.
–       Yeah. Sounds right.

–       They’re fuckin’ zingin’ around there.
–       Looks grim.
–       Yeah.
–       That’s fuckin’ out. Yer Marsh is out.
–       There it is. He’s declarin’.
–       Good man.
–       How many overs did they have, there? Four?
–       Not even.
–       Good man.
–       That’ll fuck with the opening bats.
–       Oh yeah, they’ll love that.
–       Clarke did that during the Ashes one time, too, didn’t he?
–       Think so.

–       So what do they need?
–       Let’s see. 482, is it?
–       Any chance?
–       You wouldn’t put any coin on.
–       No way.
–       But it’s possible.
–       Well, I guess.
–       Yeah. Look, they were set 458 to win against India and nearly got there. 7/450 or so.
–       What happened?
–       Ran out of time.
–       Fuck off.
–       No, no. They closed up shop at the end to avoid losing wickets, rather than chase the runs.
–       8 short.
–       I know. Criminal. Don’t start me.
–       Soft.
–       And Queensland chased down 471 today. They only lost 5 wickets. Against South Australia.
–       Bullshit.
–       No mate. What, do you follow cricket? See this game on the tele here?
–       Fuck off. That’s a good chase.
–       Damn right it is. Khawaja got 182 red.
–       South Australia hasn’t got an off-spinner, then?

–       Here’s Harris to start us off
–       He’s bowling without luck, isn’t he?
–       Ahh, it’s team bowling these days.
–       I heard that.
–       It is. He’s one of the team.
–       Yeah and so was George Bailey.
–       Your point?
–       Yer Harris needs wickets.
–       He’s alright. Here’s Johnson.
–       He’s frightening.
–       I know it.
–       These batsmen don’t stand a chance.
–       Ahh, he’s hit that.
–       That’s out.

AN Peterson c BJ Haddin b MS Johnson 1 (1/6, 1.5 overs)

–       Too fast
–       Deadly.
–       Here’s yer man Amla.
–       He could bat for a week.
–       Great beard.
–       Filthy beard.
–       So could yer Graeme Smith.
–       That’s true.
–       Oh no, would you look at that?
–       Fuck off.
–       He’s arsed that.
–       He’s fuckin’ arsed that catch.
–       Who is it?
–       That’s Alex Doolan.
–       He’s pouched it. And that’s Smith as well. What an effort.
–       I reckon that was deliberate. Having him there.
–       Fuck off. He’s caught a leg glance off the middle of the bat.
–       No, look at Smith’s bottom hand. He’s always a chance there.
–       No way. That was not an orchestrated set-up. No way.
–       Then what the fuck was Doolan doing standing there, eh?

–       You see?
–       Shit.
–       You see?
–       You might be right.
–       I am right.
–       That’s brilliant.

GC Smith  c AJ Doolan b MS Johnson 4 (2/12, 3.4 overs)

–       Looks like a few have turned up today
–       Yeah.
–       Looks like dress-up day.
–       Look at those blokes.
–       Why do blokes dress up as women, do you reckon?
–       It’s a mystery.
–       It is.
–       A mystery.

–       There’s a lot of it, though, isn’t there?
–       Is there?
–       Look at the Footy Show.
–       No thanks.
–       No.

–       Oh, that’s a grubber.
–       That’s out.
–       Plumb.
–       Yep, he’s given him.
–       That was plumb.
–       Stiff, though.

F du Plessis lbw b PM Siddle  18  (3/49, 16.5 overs)

–       What a stinker.
–       Batting last you get those.
–       Smith chose to bat last, didn’t he?
–       He did.

LUNCH: 3/65 from 20 overs (HM Amla 22*, AB de Villiers 4*)

–       See the weather in England?
–       Fuck the weather in England. We’ve enough of our own.
–       It’s unbelievable.
–       Desperate.
–       Fuckin’ relentless.
–       These two are going alright now.

–       Why does this bloke call himself by his initials?
–       Who’s that?
–       “AB” de Villiers. What’s with the “AB”?
–       Dunno.
–       What is his fucking name, anyway?
–       Adam?
–       Adam? D’you think so?
–       Aaron?
–       Aaron? We could be here a while.
–       I don’t know. Fucking Google it.
–       I’m not that keen.
–       No.

–       Oooh, got him.
–       Oh yes. That’s out.
–       That’s a good one to get.
–       And that’s one for yer Ryan Harris.
–       Good man.

HM Amla c SM Marsh b RJ Harris 35 (4/97, 29.4 overs)

–       Now we have the Initials Duo.
–       Ahh, the I.D.
–       Very good. The I.D.  They’re strange names, aren’t they?
–       JP Duminy and AB de Villiers.
–       Yeah.
–       Do you call yourself JP when you get your licence?
–       Yeah. Or your passport?
–       At school?
–       On your birth certificate?
–       I wonder if he parents call him JP.
–       Do you reckon Nathan Lyon is calling him JP, there?
–       I wouldn’t think so.

–       Oh, how was that?
–       That’s fairly adjacent.
–       First baller for JP? No, he’s given it not out.
–       They’ll have to review it, won’t they?
–       They will. They are. Look.
–       Ah, let’s see now.
–       Oh that’s out.
–       No, no. He’s hit it.
–       Oh, so he has.
–       Well done Aleem Dar.
–       Never thought I’d hear you say that.

–       Lyon’s bowling well.
–       So is Siddle. No wickets, though.
–       No. Better bring Johnson back.
–       Do you reckon Watson will play next match?
–       We haven’t finished this one, yet.
–       No, but look at Marsh and Doolan there.
–       No, you couldn’t drop either of them.
–       No.
–       And Doolan took that catch before.
–       Ohhhh, look at that.
–       It’s Doolan again. Do you believe it?
–       The man has reflexes.
–       Reflexes? He’s in the fuckin’ Matrix.
–       He’s the Oracle.
–       Oracle Doolan.

JP Duminy c AJ Doolan b MG Johnson  10 (5/128, 45.4 overs)

–       Duminy nailed that. That should have been four.
–       If he wants four he’d better learn to hit it into the ground.
–       So what about Watson?
–       I can’t find room for him.
–       He’d make the side weaker.
–       He would.
–       Oh shite.
–       Oh no.
–       Oh that’s cracked him on the fuckin’ head.
–       Who is it?
–       That’s the new bloke.
–       McLaren.
–       Blood on the tracks.
–       Johnson is wild, isn’t he?
–       Frightening.
–       He’s got 10 for the match now.
–       10 wickets and half a pint of blood.

TEA 5/132 from 48 overs (AB de Villiers 38*, McLaren 4*)

–       Lyon after lunch. That’s friendly.
–       You reckon?
–       Better than Johnson.
–       Oh, here he is now.
–       Second ball. Jeez they’re up. They’re reviewing this.
–       For caught down the leg side?
–       Awesome pace.
–       He’s missed it though.
–       Might wish he hit it.
–       I’d kick my stumps over in his position.
–       Well he’s facing up again.
–       Fair play to him.
–       Ohhh, that’s a brute.
–       Ohhh, he’s gone.
–       Fearsome.
–       McLaren would be happy with that.

R McLaren c BJ Haddin b MG Johnson 6 (6/140, 49.3 overs)

–       Yer Peterson is on the hop now.
–       I can’t watch. But I can’t look away.
–       De Villiers has no problem, though, does he?
–       No, he did well in the first dig, too.
–       He’s in the Matrix with Doolan.
–       Ohhhh no longer.
–       He’s gone.
–       He’s creamed that.
–       Snaffled at short cover.
–       Is that Doolan again?
–       No, no that’s Steve Smith.
–       Another in the Matrix.
–       This is high standard cricket now.

AB de Villiers c SPD Smith b MG Johnson 48 (7/151, 51.6 overs)

–       Adam was stiff there.
–       Aaron.
–       Archibald. Whatever, that was stiff.

–       This will be over soon.
–       Nice one, Nostradamus.

–       Ohh, Philander’s copped a beauty.
–       Johnson is a fuckin’ nightmare.
–       Has that broken a finger?
–       Broken a spirit.

–       Look at these two.
–       It’s tough.
–       Ohh, another grubber.
–       Clean bowled.
–       Ohh, for fuck’s sake.
–       Send Graeme Smith a memo, could you?
–       Saying what?
–       ‘Thanks for sending us in.’
–       That’ll do.

RJ Peterson b PM Siddle 21 (8/165, 54.6 overs)

–       Johnson will need a rest soon.
–       Ah well. We have a couple of options.
–       It’s an embarrassment of fucking riches all of a sudden, isn’t it?
–       It’s Harris now.
–       Course it is.

DW Steyn c MJ Clarke b RJ Harris 3 (9/178, 57.3 overs)

–       This is his first over, right?
–       Right.
–       Jeez.
–       Yer Steyn has all his fingers intact.
–       That should console him.

–       Nine out. What a shambles.
–       Just get it over with.
–       Ohh, a run out.
–       Perfect.
–       What were they thinking?

M Morkel   run out  1  (10/200, 59.4 overs)

–       That’s a massacre.
–       281 runs.
–       Carnage.
–       The same margin as the Sydney Test.
–       Thanks, Rainman.
–       Fuck off.
–       Still. It’s a handy whooping.
–       They didn’t miss George Bailey, then.
–       No. And they didn’t miss Watson.
–       Two more Tests now.
–       Yep, just the two.
–       Who would you say was man of the match?
–       Yer kidding.
–       I’d say Johnson by a street.
–       I’d say you have a gift.

About David Wilson

David Wilson is a hydrologist, climate reporter and writer of fiction & observational stories. He writes under the name “E.regnans” at The Footy Almanac and has stories in several books. One of his stories was judged as a finalist in the Tasmanian Writers’ Prize 2021. He shares the care of two daughters and likes to walk around feeling generally amazed. Favourite tree: Eucalyptus regnans.


  1. Absolutely brilliant. Felt I was there – wished I was there.

  2. Luke Reynolds says

    – He’s on fire that e.regnans
    – Fuck yeah. Brilliant
    – The Mitch Johnson of the Almanac
    – Both in peak form
    – Only 2 pints?

  3. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Sensational OBP loved ALL of it
    ( Doolan could be the best bat pad since Boony ) Thanks OBP

  4. Scintillating stuff that – still wiping tears out of the eyes about the I.D.

  5. Andrew Starkie says

    funny, damn funny.

    Did Smith do a Nassar?

    Mitch is bullying back.

  6. I wanna be in the Matrix too!
    Well caught E.regnans. I didn’t expect this in Sou Afrika.

  7. missed this days play!! shattered.

    can these guys commmentate next test on foxtel?

    Loved it. Thanks.

  8. Gee I just hope Johnson is clean.

  9. Great read. I have no coverage of the cricket. Can you live tweet next time?

  10. thanks all.
    that’s grand.
    good fun.

  11. Archibald de Villiers…well that’d be your A and your B in the one name

    i wish it was

    great stuff

  12. That was seriously good and funny – please do not let it be the last.

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