First Test: Day 4 – Carnage

Australia 397 and 4d/290
South Africa 206  and 200 (MG Johnson 5/59)
by 281 runs

–       That’s a fuckin’ jumper.
–       Birthday present.
–       Purple’s your colour.
–       Fuck off.
–       I’m serious. Man o’ your age. It’s brave.
–       Fuck off.
– Roddy Doyle, Two pints

Resumption: Australia 3/288 (SE Marsh 44*, MJ Clarke 17*) lead by 480 runs

–       I need this pint.
–       I know.
–       No, no I really need it.
–       You look a bit flagged. What were you up to?
–       Writing the last rites for the South Africans.
–       D’yeh think this’ll be the last day, then?
–       Shit, yeah. O’ course.
–       Yeah. Johnson will cream ‘em.
–       Yeah.
–       When will Clarke declare it?
–       Reckon he’ll give Marsh ‘is fifty.
–       Yeah. Sounds right.

–       They’re fuckin’ zingin’ around there.
–       Looks grim.
–       Yeah.
–       That’s fuckin’ out. Yer Marsh is out.
–       There it is. He’s declarin’.
–       Good man.
–       How many overs did they have, there? Four?
–       Not even.
–       Good man.
–       That’ll fuck with the opening bats.
–       Oh yeah, they’ll love that.
–       Clarke did that during the Ashes one time, too, didn’t he?
–       Think so.

–       So what do they need?
–       Let’s see. 482, is it?
–       Any chance?
–       You wouldn’t put any coin on.
–       No way.
–       But it’s possible.
–       Well, I guess.
–       Yeah. Look, they were set 458 to win against India and nearly got there. 7/450 or so.
–       What happened?
–       Ran out of time.
–       Fuck off.
–       No, no. They closed up shop at the end to avoid losing wickets, rather than chase the runs.
–       8 short.
–       I know. Criminal. Don’t start me.
–       Soft.
–       And Queensland chased down 471 today. They only lost 5 wickets. Against South Australia.
–       Bullshit.
–       No mate. What, do you follow cricket? See this game on the tele here?
–       Fuck off. That’s a good chase.
–       Damn right it is. Khawaja got 182 red.
–       South Australia hasn’t got an off-spinner, then?

–       Here’s Harris to start us off
–       He’s bowling without luck, isn’t he?
–       Ahh, it’s team bowling these days.
–       I heard that.
–       It is. He’s one of the team.
–       Yeah and so was George Bailey.
–       Your point?
–       Yer Harris needs wickets.
–       He’s alright. Here’s Johnson.
–       He’s frightening.
–       I know it.
–       These batsmen don’t stand a chance.
–       Ahh, he’s hit that.
–       That’s out.

AN Peterson c BJ Haddin b MS Johnson 1 (1/6, 1.5 overs)

–       Too fast
–       Deadly.
–       Here’s yer man Amla.
–       He could bat for a week.
–       Great beard.
–       Filthy beard.
–       So could yer Graeme Smith.
–       That’s true.
–       Oh no, would you look at that?
–       Fuck off.
–       He’s arsed that.
–       He’s fuckin’ arsed that catch.
–       Who is it?
–       That’s Alex Doolan.
–       He’s pouched it. And that’s Smith as well. What an effort.
–       I reckon that was deliberate. Having him there.
–       Fuck off. He’s caught a leg glance off the middle of the bat.
–       No, look at Smith’s bottom hand. He’s always a chance there.
–       No way. That was not an orchestrated set-up. No way.
–       Then what the fuck was Doolan doing standing there, eh?

–       You see?
–       Shit.
–       You see?
–       You might be right.
–       I am right.
–       That’s brilliant.

GC Smith  c AJ Doolan b MS Johnson 4 (2/12, 3.4 overs)

–       Looks like a few have turned up today
–       Yeah.
–       Looks like dress-up day.
–       Look at those blokes.
–       Why do blokes dress up as women, do you reckon?
–       It’s a mystery.
–       It is.
–       A mystery.

–       There’s a lot of it, though, isn’t there?
–       Is there?
–       Look at the Footy Show.
–       No thanks.
–       No.

–       Oh, that’s a grubber.
–       That’s out.
–       Plumb.
–       Yep, he’s given him.
–       That was plumb.
–       Stiff, though.

F du Plessis lbw b PM Siddle  18  (3/49, 16.5 overs)

–       What a stinker.
–       Batting last you get those.
–       Smith chose to bat last, didn’t he?
–       He did.

LUNCH: 3/65 from 20 overs (HM Amla 22*, AB de Villiers 4*)

–       See the weather in England?
–       Fuck the weather in England. We’ve enough of our own.
–       It’s unbelievable.
–       Desperate.
–       Fuckin’ relentless.
–       These two are going alright now.

–       Why does this bloke call himself by his initials?
–       Who’s that?
–       “AB” de Villiers. What’s with the “AB”?
–       Dunno.
–       What is his fucking name, anyway?
–       Adam?
–       Adam? D’you think so?
–       Aaron?
–       Aaron? We could be here a while.
–       I don’t know. Fucking Google it.
–       I’m not that keen.
–       No.

–       Oooh, got him.
–       Oh yes. That’s out.
–       That’s a good one to get.
–       And that’s one for yer Ryan Harris.
–       Good man.

HM Amla c SM Marsh b RJ Harris 35 (4/97, 29.4 overs)

–       Now we have the Initials Duo.
–       Ahh, the I.D.
–       Very good. The I.D.  They’re strange names, aren’t they?
–       JP Duminy and AB de Villiers.
–       Yeah.
–       Do you call yourself JP when you get your licence?
–       Yeah. Or your passport?
–       At school?
–       On your birth certificate?
–       I wonder if he parents call him JP.
–       Do you reckon Nathan Lyon is calling him JP, there?
–       I wouldn’t think so.

–       Oh, how was that?
–       That’s fairly adjacent.
–       First baller for JP? No, he’s given it not out.
–       They’ll have to review it, won’t they?
–       They will. They are. Look.
–       Ah, let’s see now.
–       Oh that’s out.
–       No, no. He’s hit it.
–       Oh, so he has.
–       Well done Aleem Dar.
–       Never thought I’d hear you say that.

–       Lyon’s bowling well.
–       So is Siddle. No wickets, though.
–       No. Better bring Johnson back.
–       Do you reckon Watson will play next match?
–       We haven’t finished this one, yet.
–       No, but look at Marsh and Doolan there.
–       No, you couldn’t drop either of them.
–       No.
–       And Doolan took that catch before.
–       Ohhhh, look at that.
–       It’s Doolan again. Do you believe it?
–       The man has reflexes.
–       Reflexes? He’s in the fuckin’ Matrix.
–       He’s the Oracle.
–       Oracle Doolan.

JP Duminy c AJ Doolan b MG Johnson  10 (5/128, 45.4 overs)

–       Duminy nailed that. That should have been four.
–       If he wants four he’d better learn to hit it into the ground.
–       So what about Watson?
–       I can’t find room for him.
–       He’d make the side weaker.
–       He would.
–       Oh shite.
–       Oh no.
–       Oh that’s cracked him on the fuckin’ head.
–       Who is it?
–       That’s the new bloke.
–       McLaren.
–       Blood on the tracks.
–       Johnson is wild, isn’t he?
–       Frightening.
–       He’s got 10 for the match now.
–       10 wickets and half a pint of blood.

TEA 5/132 from 48 overs (AB de Villiers 38*, McLaren 4*)

–       Lyon after lunch. That’s friendly.
–       You reckon?
–       Better than Johnson.
–       Oh, here he is now.
–       Second ball. Jeez they’re up. They’re reviewing this.
–       For caught down the leg side?
–       Awesome pace.
–       He’s missed it though.
–       Might wish he hit it.
–       I’d kick my stumps over in his position.
–       Well he’s facing up again.
–       Fair play to him.
–       Ohhh, that’s a brute.
–       Ohhh, he’s gone.
–       Fearsome.
–       McLaren would be happy with that.

R McLaren c BJ Haddin b MG Johnson 6 (6/140, 49.3 overs)

–       Yer Peterson is on the hop now.
–       I can’t watch. But I can’t look away.
–       De Villiers has no problem, though, does he?
–       No, he did well in the first dig, too.
–       He’s in the Matrix with Doolan.
–       Ohhhh no longer.
–       He’s gone.
–       He’s creamed that.
–       Snaffled at short cover.
–       Is that Doolan again?
–       No, no that’s Steve Smith.
–       Another in the Matrix.
–       This is high standard cricket now.

AB de Villiers c SPD Smith b MG Johnson 48 (7/151, 51.6 overs)

–       Adam was stiff there.
–       Aaron.
–       Archibald. Whatever, that was stiff.

–       This will be over soon.
–       Nice one, Nostradamus.

–       Ohh, Philander’s copped a beauty.
–       Johnson is a fuckin’ nightmare.
–       Has that broken a finger?
–       Broken a spirit.

–       Look at these two.
–       It’s tough.
–       Ohh, another grubber.
–       Clean bowled.
–       Ohh, for fuck’s sake.
–       Send Graeme Smith a memo, could you?
–       Saying what?
–       ‘Thanks for sending us in.’
–       That’ll do.

RJ Peterson b PM Siddle 21 (8/165, 54.6 overs)

–       Johnson will need a rest soon.
–       Ah well. We have a couple of options.
–       It’s an embarrassment of fucking riches all of a sudden, isn’t it?
–       It’s Harris now.
–       Course it is.

DW Steyn c MJ Clarke b RJ Harris 3 (9/178, 57.3 overs)

–       This is his first over, right?
–       Right.
–       Jeez.
–       Yer Steyn has all his fingers intact.
–       That should console him.

–       Nine out. What a shambles.
–       Just get it over with.
–       Ohh, a run out.
–       Perfect.
–       What were they thinking?

M Morkel   run out  1  (10/200, 59.4 overs)

–       That’s a massacre.
–       281 runs.
–       Carnage.
–       The same margin as the Sydney Test.
–       Thanks, Rainman.
–       Fuck off.
–       Still. It’s a handy whooping.
–       They didn’t miss George Bailey, then.
–       No. And they didn’t miss Watson.
–       Two more Tests now.
–       Yep, just the two.
–       Who would you say was man of the match?
–       Yer kidding.
–       I’d say Johnson by a street.
–       I’d say you have a gift.

About David Wilson

David Wilson is a writer, editor, flood forecaster and former school teacher. He writes under the name “E.regnans” at The Footy Almanac and has stories in several books. One of his stories was judged as a finalist in the Tasmanian Writers’ Prize 2021. He is married and has two daughters and the four of them all live together with their dog, Pip. He finds playing the guitar a little tricky, but seems to have found a kindred instrument with the ukulele. Favourite tree: Eucalyptus regnans.


  1. Absolutely brilliant. Felt I was there – wished I was there.

  2. Luke Reynolds says

    – He’s on fire that e.regnans
    – Fuck yeah. Brilliant
    – The Mitch Johnson of the Almanac
    – Both in peak form
    – Only 2 pints?

  3. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Sensational OBP loved ALL of it
    ( Doolan could be the best bat pad since Boony ) Thanks OBP

  4. Scintillating stuff that – still wiping tears out of the eyes about the I.D.

  5. Andrew Starkie says

    funny, damn funny.

    Did Smith do a Nassar?

    Mitch is bullying back.

  6. I wanna be in the Matrix too!
    Well caught E.regnans. I didn’t expect this in Sou Afrika.

  7. missed this days play!! shattered.

    can these guys commmentate next test on foxtel?

    Loved it. Thanks.

  8. Gee I just hope Johnson is clean.

  9. Great read. I have no coverage of the cricket. Can you live tweet next time?

  10. thanks all.
    that’s grand.
    good fun.

  11. Archibald de Villiers…well that’d be your A and your B in the one name

    i wish it was

    great stuff

  12. That was seriously good and funny – please do not let it be the last.

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