Dodgy Wikipedia player profiles. No.1: Isaac Heeney

Isaac Heeney was born in the mid to late, early 90’s.

Heeney was christened Itzhak Herschel Abraham Heeney, but thinking that a little too Jewish, trimmed it to the more marketable Isaac.

Heeney was raised in the Hunter valley and believes that coal seam fracking is the secret to his success. “I regularly have my parents bottle and ship me their tap water,” he was quoted as saying on the Swans website recently.

Heeney attended St Hogwarts in Newcastle and from an early age was clearly gifted. He scored a heap of goals playing interschool soccer, a shitload of runs in junior cricket and by year 7, had already cauliflowered half his schoolmates ears just by playing lunchtime games of league.

Aussie rules, however, is what Heeney seemed most suited too, and before long, he was a standout for local team, The Bad News Bears. He kicked loads and loads of goals, and hardly any points and was never penalized for deliberately kicking the ball out of bounds.

Heeney’s talent quickly caught the eye of Swans junior scouts and at the age of 12 he was invited to join their academy. Heeney is often quoted as saying that if not for the academy he may have been lost to Aussie rules. The misconception, though, is that he would have been lost to League. In fact, he would have been lost to Jazz Ballet, as this was his first love. Indeed, Heeney is still an avid Jazz Ballet dancer and often competes in elite competitions to this day.

On top of Jazz Ballet, Heeney’s AFL career was almost derailed by other pursuits.

As a young boy, his blond locks caught the eye of Hollywood producers, and his family were approached for him to appear in the remake of ‘Village of the Damned’. Unfortunately, he didn’t get past the table read.

His locks also attracted the attention of Anne Hamilton-Byrne’s blond nutty ‘The Family’, and his parents were invited to join the cult. They soberly advised they were already in a cult: the cult of AFL.

In his first year with the academy, Heeney was troubled by the Swans ‘No Dickheads’ policy, in that he quite liked the idea of mucking around and being a dickhead from time to time (Punx Pete: as we all do). This was quickly rooted out of him, and he has not demonstrated any dickhead behavior since.

Heeney debuted in the AFL in either 2014 or 2015 and in his first game had a handful of possessions and a few shots at goal.

Now a rising star of the AFL, Heeney is the poster boy for the footy in NSW, and especially the Swans academy. In producing these posters, though, there was a colossal misunderstanding. The photographer had confused the brief for Heeney’s AFL poster with another brief, and it came out looking like a Cleo centre-spread. A new photographer was quickly found and the aforementioned photographer lost his AFL accreditation. [Citation required as to whether the photographer is now working for an “adult” magazine.]

Heeney is popular with his teammates, but feels he would be even more popular if allowed to be a dickhead once in a while. To compensate himself, he watches Adam Sandler films avidly on the sly.

In his second year in the AFL, Heeney was unwittingly embroiled in a controversy with the AFL players association. The association motioned that Heeney be handicapped 10 Brownlow votes each season because of his striking hair. The AFL are still deliberating on the matter.

Away from football, Heeney enjoys hanging around the set of ‘Home and Away’, where his beach blonde surfie looks are right at home with the Summer Bay cast.

Also, Heeney is a music lover, but embarrassingly, was spotted at a Justin Bieber concert last year. Feeling a need to save face, he is quoted as saying, “Yeah, sure being a Belieber is daggy, but I like cool music too. Just last month I saw U2, and the week before, Nickleback.”

In his private life, Heeney is in a long term relationship with an attractive young person, who aspires to be a Brownlow date and a trophy wife.

Further, Heeney is a member of the Church of Scientology and worries that the alien thetans which have attached themselves to his body might one day cost him a Brownlow.



About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see's a shadow: twelve more months of winter


  1. Dennis Gedling says

    He also starred in the Blue Lagoon.

    Remarkable considering it was filmed 16 years before he was born.

  2. This is seriously funny! Thanks Punxsutawney Pete.

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