Division C1 Elimination Final- Adelaide University FC v Port Districts: Team Management

Coach Dirty Darien O’Reilly
Div C1 (The Chardonnay Socialists) 15.7.97 defeated Port Red Light District 8.5.53
Goal Kickers: D. Jean 3, B. Meier 3, C. Rohde 3, J. Richards , A. Butler , R. Doecke , B. Hopkins, N. Katsaros , S. Schutz
Best Players: R. Doecke , C. Rohde , C. Schiller , A. Machin , J. Beilby , L. Rogers
I have seen the future of Amatuer League team management, and it is both beautiful and f***ing terrifying.
Heater and Pup Heath
Look, I know my attendance at Chardonnay games has been a bit patchy this year. OK, not so much patchy as entirely non-existent, but Australia’s revenue system doesn’t run itself and I’ve been sort of busy. Still, finals are finals, and I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a Mr September-despite-the-fact-it’s-August, so it was with a spring in my step and a Smiths t-shirt firmly in place (it’s a tactic to fire the coach up), I made the short trek to Bob Neil #1 for some elimination final good times.Parking at Number One is a bit of a challenge for visiting teams, as we all know, although one would think those from the outer suburbs are becoming better versed on how to navigate North Adelaide now they have their fortnightly circle jerk at the Portress. Didn’t help one Port Districts chap, though, seen wandering around before the game asking of the world ‘where do you f***en park around this f***en shithole you f***en c***?’The world had little to say to that, I’m pleased to report.I was a little worried that returning to the Chardonnay fold so late in the season might lead to some awkwardness, but ultimately this team is a lot like drowning – a pleasant, warm sensation that ends up killing you – so it was no surprise that within minutes I was manning the whiteboard, trying to make sense of Dirty’s idiosyncratic coaching manoeuvres. It was like I’d never left. By the time the question ‘do we want Butts Deep in for a three-way’ was asked – we were discussing rotations, dear reader – I knew I was home again.

I feel for Chardonnay players, though, I really do. At one stage JD was astonished to hear a bellow from the coach on the boundary, loudly informing him that the Port guy who’d just kicked a goal was his man. Of course JD was quite correct, as far as these things go, when he pointed out that no, he had been standing next to his man the whole time, and he’d been nowhere near the play. Poor, naive JD … sometimes coaching is a figurative, rather than literal, pursuit. Trust me. He was your man. We all agreed.

Russell Doecke on the run

The last time the Chardonnays played a final at Number One, I was so disorganised I didn’t actually know how the siren worked, and I held the game up for about five minutes while I found out. I’m pretty sure I’m actually still finishing the team sheet from that game. So imagine my utter astonishment when Wayne The New Team Manager presented himself to the change rooms with water bottles (mate you just steal them from The Scum), goal umpire’s flags (see water bottles), and a folder full of team sheets and score cards from every game of the season (I have no words).

I can’t possibly compete with that. I was so troubled that later on I knocked over Kingy’s beer, and I’m still worried he’s going to chin me for it just when I least expect. I mean I’ve got him covered for height (not often I get to say that), but he’s really angry.

Anyway, Port Districts weren’t very good, and our third quarter was adequate, so we won.

Matt Heath looking to handball

Postscript-Many, many beers and much Chardonnay back-slapping later, I finally dragged myself away from the pub and went home. Sunday dawned bleary, but one thing set the world to rights straight away: the scores hadn’t been input to Sporting Pulse. Now that’s more f***ing like it!

Sandy Matchin (43) cops a high one
Cam Lane and Sandy Matchin fly for the ball
 Slipper Rogers slips away
Callum Rohde and James Daniel  have eyes only for the ball
Callum Rohde at his graceful best

boys in blue
The Blue Cavalry arrives …


  1. What dew-kicking is all about.

  2. Luke Reynolds says

    More AUFC Gold. The Blacks could/should have their own Almanac!

  3. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks Luke and the Chards won today and are in the prelim final next week
    Uni C grade won a interesting to say the least 1st semi today also Go the blacks
    Brilliant and v funny report Dale !

  4. Yeah very good Dale, and very good Blacks today. 2 solid wins from 2 starts. 2 prelims next week. Lovely work Darien & Simon, Chards & C-men. Would post a photo of the cavalry in blue arriving at Bob Neil #1, if I knew how. Funny day at TWGFC. Carn the Blacks.

  5. Very well played Dale. It was one of the more memorable team managing efforts – that being, not memorable and seamless, however necessary and under appreciated.

  6. Nicely captures the essence of what it is to be caught up in the chaos of running a Blacks footy side on game day. Also, that last photo fittingly presents the sense of grace and poise attributable to a Uni footballer juxtopposed against the geospacial coordinates of the footy – the two bearing absolutely no relationship to each other.
    As a former 3-year lower grades Blacks playing coach it took me back to the early 90s when match day was part of my own weekly shambolic routine. Somehow the end result was always inversely proportional to the degree of organisation.
    Congrats on the wins lads.

  7. The merger of the aufc and afc will surely align the crows to the inspired coaching and team management strategies outlined above.

    chardonnay – always tastes better in September.

  8. Great report – go the Chards!

  9. Malcolm Ashwood says

    The photo added on is from the , Police arriving on Sat at Bob Neil 1 when North Pines had 3 players reported in 5 min for abusing the umpires and then walked off in protest a am league investigation awaits amazing to say the least

  10. Has the Star Force ever been called to a local footy fixture?

    If not, why not?

  11. Rulebook please tell us more>.Can we expect media coverage tonight?

  12. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Yes Mickey was at a Uni final and there was soccer violence we heard the commotion and turned round words can not describe that situation , 1 of the star force who turned up was at least , Sandilands size . They may have been called to a amateur league final last year . Raj I am sure there will be coverage re saturdays bemusing behaviour as well

  13. Never immediately regretted yelling “Go Blackers!” so much…

  14. Is that the great Matt Heath of Canberra Times fame?

  15. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Well spotted JTH

  16. Lisa Edwards says

    Oh the memories….managing C grade & always wondering if this Saturday one of us will get seriously hurt! Great work Chardies.

  17. Great read Dale sounds like typical, Chards great times and a interesting time at
    Bob Neil 1 Saturday

  18. Parklife.
    Grand to see it. And well done on the whiteboard.
    Well played all.

  19. Very interesting game to catch the end of, simply stunning way to end a game.

  20. Chards to win the flag this year suuuuuuuuuurely.

  21. Not the real Bob Neil says

    Very funny write up , Dale go the Chards

  22. Welcome back Dale, all is forgiven. A very funny read.

    While the archives might show a brief recent lapse in your membership, one can never easily leave the Chardonnay Socialist party. A lesson learnt to my detriment (and yet never quite fully absorbed) on more than one Sunday afternoon as I departed the scene of the annual cross-dressing extravaganza which was the Chards cocktail party, invariably pondering whether my hazy recall of a passionate kiss with someone in a mini-skirt extended to whether or not there was hair on their legs.

    It’s wonderful to see the resurgence of the team this year and a premiership seems inevitable, if only as confirmation of the counter-cyclical fortunes of the Chardonnay Socialist party, which has historically been dominant in years when the country is under Tory leadership. WorkChoices was a spanner in the works of more than just the Howard government. Without the jackboot of capitalist oppression to squirm against, this freedom brigade loses its mojo.

    In that context, your return to the fold in a faded and frayed Smiths T-shirt is doubly important. The Dirtbag was your prototypical sweet and tender hooligan, now not quite grown into a charming man, and if the T-shirt floats his boat . . . well, a rising tide lifts all. Every revolution must have its talisman, and what better for the Chardonnay Socialist party than mass-produced nostalgia merch to serve as a reminder of the decadent pleasure wrung from impassioned social protest songs chorused from the cosseting ranks of the bourgeoisie.

    Whilst encouraging to hear that unheralded miracles are unfolding in the finer detail of match day management, please don’t overdo the whole ‘running like clockwork’ thing. You might make the trains run on time but you’ll probably lose the war. I’m not overly concerned about this. Your return practically guarantees that the customary anarchy will be restored.

    Please accept my best wishes for the looming triumph, with a special mention to The Rohde To Nowhere, whose goose-stepping slippers should trample gently over your terrified opponents in the remaining finals. It’s wonderful to see his adorably gruesome visage is still framed by black and white ‘V’.

  23. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Bigmouth Strikes Again

    Go Chards

  24. Malcolm Ashwood says
  25. Very good Swish! Where were you at midnight? You could have stopped me if you’ve heard this one before.

  26. Steve Arfur Daly says

    Never a prouder moment for me than to lift the premietship mug as A Chardonnay captain. Thanks Tom for putting into words what we who are Chardonnay all feel but struggle to put so eloquently. Arfa

  27. Still being quite a relatively new player to the club playing a game in the Chard’s game me extra reasoning as to why I am playing at such a great club and the whole emphasis of having a crack at the game with a great bunch of blokes. Go Blacks

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