Cycling (and other disciplines): Ten rule changes to fix the Tour de France, as demanded by Mr A Bolt of Melbourne

Ten rule changes to fix the Tour de France, as demanded by Mr A Bolt of Melbourne

  1. Make the riders stop at traffic lights like we all do. It would make it a fairer competition, like the ironman, a proper Australian sport where everyone has to wait in a queue for waves and there’s no special treatment. Leftie cyclists think they can do what they want on the road.
  2. Stop holding the race on Beach Road. They keep blocking my lane and someone’s going to get hurt soon.
  3. Encourage the performance enhancing stuff everyone keeps talking about. I’m not exactly sure what this stuff is, but I love enhancing performances. Why are lefties always trying to bring people down rather than raise them up?
  4. Get rid of the carbon tax to make the race faster and more profitable. Then use the extra money to buy warm socks for everyone, what with the world getting colder each year.
  5. Make them pay registration like we all do. Maybe then those lycra louts would stop blocking roads and actually obey the road rules. Might have to ban lycra as well, just to make sure.
  6. Stop the boats!
  7. Get INXS to do the national anthem. (NB. Definitely NOT Midnight Oil.) Hopefully, Tim Flannery isn’t their singer this week, he always gets everything wrong. And while I’m at it, why can’t the players learn the words? Un-Australian cyclists think the rules don’t apply to them.
  8. Give the coverage rights to Fox Sports. The taxpayer shouldn’t be subsidising the left wing ABC and its blatant Labor / Greens anti-motorist propaganda. Plus Fox won’t show highlights on Sunday mornings that are really just an attack on the free speech of Australians with their own television show, newspaper column and radio slots. (NB. At least, that’s what Fox promised me when they came up with this rule.)
  9. Change Rule 18C so that I win every time.
  10. Declare Tony ­the winner every year. Tony’s a great Australian cyclist, probably the best ever, and always obeys the road rules like the rest of us. Except when he doesn’t, but there’s a good reason why he doesn’t, even if we don’t know what it is, so that’s the end of that. It’s all about trust. (NB. Tony – definitely NOT Jones! – is allowed to wear lycra, I don’t mind that, but I don’t think we should let Joe wear lycra when he becomes the best ever cyclist later this year. Open collar business shirts will be enough of the common touch.)






  1. Peter Schumacher says

    Loved this post, a true satire of politics and sport. Had me laughing mightily (as opposed to RATFL).

  2. mickey randall says

    Cracking satire which hits its targets. As the old saying suggests it would be very funny if it was not true! The only point of possible interest I could have in Bolt is knowing how much of his work is legitimate personal belief, and how much is performance for his awful audience. Loved it.

  3. Very funny Pat. Very funny…..

    A few more for consideration:

    Force the peloton to ring their bell every time they pass another rider….out of common courtesy.

    Force all riders to carry a basket at the front to store their bananas & bars & gels..

    Force all riders to relieve tbemselves at toilet blocks in an orderly fashion instead of just pissing on the side of the road whenever they have a mind.

    Bring back the dodgy Malvern Star cotter pin that haunted us in our youth.

    Force all riders to fit mud-flaps on their wheels.

    Nominate one rider per team to fit ape-hanger handle bars.

  4. Institute of Public Affairs approved, one assumes?

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