Collingwood are annoying

God, I forgot how annoying playing Collingwood is.

I started what I expected to be a nice day, with a late invitation to the dining room at the ‘G.

Lucky I was dressed for it & left work early, caught the train in with great expectations.


When did Magpie supporters become “gentrified” and take over the ‘G?

When did they all get orthodontic work and jobs? Some of them are even doctors! Most of them seem to be successful.

It was a Carlton home game, so it was reasonable to expect at least half the supporters to be for the home team, right?

Wrong. I think I saw one other Carlton scarf in the dining room. Many of the Pies people were nouveau-riche gentry. I form this conclusion now, but at the time, I was just surprised at their number, and their thinly-disguised rudeness to any Carlton person.

I was a last minute inclusion in a spot on a Pies table organized by family members (never underestimate the negative influence of in-laws). My sibling is a gentle person, and very polite.

But she is now a Maggie through and through. She boos the umpires and boos Judd. It’s their right, I’m told. God knows what it was like in the non-members section.

I sat with my lot in our reserved seats, looking longingly at the Carlton members area, which I had foolishly abandoned to attend in the dining room.

It only took a minute to realize there were 400,000 very vocal Pies supporters present and perhaps 10,000 Carlton ones.

The game was only a minute old when I had a chilling moment of remembrance: I had forgotten how much they feel every free kick should be theirs.

The umpires were constantly booed and there were mass howls and calls for justice. It was so annoying it spoilt the game for me.

I love a close game & will recognize opposition talent. I prefer my team to win, but talent is talent and should be enjoyed.

But Collingwood supporters think theirs is the only team in the competition, a theory supported by their president and many of the media.

Carlton supporters, where the hell were you???

I cannot believe how much Collingwood supporters scream for frees, and rail against the umpires for having the effrontery to pay a free to the opposition.

I remembered the Coodabeen’s song about it, sung to the tune of  ‘Born Free” (“More frees, the Pies they want more frees…..”).

It was ridiculous.

And Judd. They HATE Judd. Never mind that their “people’s Brownlow” isn’t a patch on him, they just boo him every time he gets near the ball, and so it was almost constant.

At half time I went downstairs for some possible light relief, for a coffee with girlfriends. We chatted about things other than football (I thought it was safer, they all barrack for Collingwood), and I was still wished bad omens on my way out. The main culprit was a goody-goody who rarely comes to matches against Carlton as she hates Carlton supporters so much. Feral, she says.

Back upstairs for the second half, in the Magpie’s nest. My Magpie sibling moved away & my Magpie cousin sat next to me. I had had enough. By the time he started waxing lyrical about Harry O’Brien I told him I didn’t like Harry. Sanctimonious jerk, just stick to football, Harry. World peace may occur one day, but it won’t be because of Harry’s involvement.

I let them off with barely a jibe about their betting scandal of the day before. I made one call to Nick Maxwell (he of the sticky-out bum and over-rated talent) about it, which I thought was witty. Certainly nobody else did.

At the end of the game my in-law stated condescendingly that it was a terrible game because his Pies had played badly but the Blues had played well. I nearly exploded.

I sought clarification & he reiterated. I told him that the Blues had not played that well, but that both teams had been under immense pressure, hence errors on both sides.

I then stomped off to Richmond station, only to be surrounded by a sea of Collingwood supporters.

Magpies are bad sports, their president is a whingeing pain in the arse (see half time interview) and there are way too many of them.

I decided they hated us because they worry that we’ll get ’em one day soon. And we will.


Barb Smith.




  1. forwardpocket says

    Objectivity goes out the window when it comes to Collingwood. On all sides.

  2. Well crafted barb; Barb.

  3. Dave Nadel says

    That’s what I like. Lectures on manners and good behaviour from the club that gave the world George Harris and John Elliott.

  4. Barb,,,, we need to talk…. “Dr. Phil” type talk…. we just don’t understand each other,,,,, we never did,,,,,, we never will and you’ve gotta accept it and move on.

    Yes, we are annoying, we probably now wear it as a badge of honour – I like to think of us as loyal, supportive, unified and resilient to our cause, through thick and thin, and I’m sure that annoys your 10,000 friends. Ironically its the Collingwood hating cronies that are probably to blame for us evolving to where we are – the eternally witty and clever stereotypical “dentist/centrelink/tattooed/criminal” comments; the Collywobble jokes; and the front page media beat-ups and condemnation (that is usually magnified 10 times more than any other club) somewhat leads us to an “us versus them” mentality. We don’t think we are the only team in the competition, we just only care about our own team and focus our attention accordingly. It’s probably why it feels like there’s 400,000 of us there on a Saturday afternoon.

    On your point of free kicks, I must agree, the situation was ridiculous – 10 free kicks to 4 in the first quarter, certainly got up the goat of most of the 400,000 of us at the game. One of my personal favourite moments, was when the 2010 Brownlow medalist did his Petero Civoniceva impersonation of taking on three tacklers, being caught, not making any attempt to dispose of the ball and his yellow friend blowing the whistle for a balls (sic) up. Judd is a champion player and often champion players get booed by opposition supporters – in recent times North’s Wayne Carey copped it, St Kilda’s Plugger and Collingwood’s Buckley – all because they were damn good and all because of some character trait that alienates the opposition masses. Football is full of heroes and villians, it’s one of the great things of sport, we “love to love” and we “love to hate”. You are right, we don’t particularly like Juddy – something to do with the curious six figure Envrionmental Ambassador role at your ex President’s company (that I’m sure the Ablettless Geelong and future Scullyless Melboune supporters may also be questioning) and the regular favourable support we perceive he gets from the men in yellow/green/red/white. You speak of the people’s brownlow medalist and yes we have developed quite a recent hunger at Collingwood for “prizes” and whilst we would have liked to have added the 2010 Brownlow medal to the trophy cabinet, we’re pretty happy with members of our TEAM winning the Players Award, the Coaches Award, a Norm Smith Medal and some Premiership medallions. In fact, we really really liked it.

    It’s quite interesting that you take a pot shot at Harry O’Brien for the fact that he has a genuine interest and belief in a cause of helping people less fortunate and, god forbid, trying to achieve to the best of his ability. A kid who was born in poverty, came to a new country, paid for himself to come across to the other side of Australia and asked if he could train with Collingwood – gets rookied, works hard through the system and eventually plays in a premiership side. Such a pity that he wasn’t born in the affluent beachside suburbs of Melbourne, attend the finest grammar schools and find himself in the ethical mecca of a cardboard cartel.

    We do hate you, it’s true. But its not about the future, It’s about the past – I won’t go into all the reasons why, but you get the gist from my response to your haughty rant and the general arrogance and insolent behaviour of some of your 10,000 friends in the past. You are our villians and we love to hate you for it – isn’t it fun!?

    PS. Dave, I like your two fine upstanding references, but you’d be a prat to overlook some of the more recent leaders.

  5. Danielle says

    weird…most people seem to love me and i’m a Collingwood supporter :)
    And i don’t hate Judd, met him once he’s a very nice bloke.
    It’s not Judd’s fault he won the Brownlow last year, after all he’s the only one that can play on that team.

  6. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Thanks Barb,

    it’s been a long time since Carlton fans were so envious. I love it.

    Danni, you’ve summed it up perfectly…No Judd = No Carlton.

  7. Barb

    Perhaps you should come to the footy with Dave, Ramon, Danielle, Phil and me. We’ll book a table that’s not too posh, but also not too low-brow. We’ll all be on our best behaviour. We won’t boo Judd, and you can boo the sanctimonious jerk and sticky-out bum to your heart’s content. And we’ll all behave like Carlton fans and not ask for one free kick.

    Before last October, I was concerned that other fans were starting to feel sympathy for the Pies. One Premiership and the natural order is restored. Here’s hoping you find us REALLY annoying after next October.

  8. Richard Naco says

    I love you, Danielle (in a strictly footy mate sort of way, of course). The fact that tehre is so much love and affection for you from fans of all sides here obviously means that we all accept that you’re just going through a bit of a phase.

    What’s not to like? You’re of Lebanese heritage (like the wondrous woman I was lucky enough to marry, so we’re probably in-laws 15 times removed) (which, for the benefit of the non-Lebs here, is considered quite close among those of the Levant), and you have a HUGE crush on Tommy Hawkins.

    I am working on young Tommy for you, so his proposal should be in the mail quite soon.

    Then you’d be freed from your colour blindness forever. And navy and white hoops will really highlight your complexion, Cus.


  9. Richard Naco says

    MOC. Mate. Maaaaaaaaaaaate.

    After October, feeling sorry for you will be back.

    (Just to spite ya.)


  10. Phil, glad you agree :)
    MOC- behave like Carlton fans? i don’t think even i (a drama student of 4 years) have that in me :P
    lmaooo Richard :) LOL Thanks for those efforts, and while i do think Tom is VERYYY CUTE i don’t do blonds at the moment, ive also got my heart set on Nick Bracks. (he’s half Lebanse ya know) ;)

  11. John Butler says


    I’m with you.

    They’re annoying. When they win.

    But very entertaining when they lose. Very very entertaining. :)

  12. JB,

    don’t under sell those magpies, they are very entertaining when they win as well.

    Going to the local footy over here after the pies win is like going Barnum and Bailey’s circus. All freaks and clowns. Very entertaining in an old fashioned perverse manner.

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