Brett’s Last Hurrah


Hello? Yes, Brett. What? You don’t want me to call you Brett today?


Mr. Ratten? No? Um… Rats? Yes, yes, I can hear you… Oh, I thought you were cursing. Serious? Jesus on a cross? What, as if it’s a name?

I know, yes I know you still have three hours to go and can still fire me, Brett.

Sorry, Jesus On A Cross.

Yes, yes, I know I’m only a runner.

Um, what do you mean you’re changing the starting line-up Br- I mean, Jesus On A Cross? Yes, I can see they’re still doing their warm-ups.

Okay, okay, don’t shout at me, Jeez! No, that was not an abbreviation of your name, Jesus On A Cross. Eddie Betts into the ruck? Oh…

No, no, I don’t want your boot up there! I’ll do it!

What else? Judd, bench? First half? No rotations? I know, I know, bloody chicken wing! No, Jesus On A Cross! I don’t like KFC any more either. Yes, those four weeks cost you.

What was that? You should have done a Carey on his Missus?

Well, Jesus On A Cross, that’s not very- Well, sure I’d like- True, “Who wouldn’t?”


Hello? Yes, the first quarter is going well. What do you mean, too well, Jesus On a Cross? You want me to tell Walker to fly for everything until he takes another hanger like that one last year? Okay. Wait, what? Even over goal umpires? You want him to what? See if he can take a speckie over the rucks at a ball-up and handball it 30 meters down the ground before he’s landed? Yes, I guess it is as good a time as any to be innovative. It’s just that you put Eddie in the ruck. It won’t be that much of a challenge.

No, no, Jesus On A Cross, I don’t want this phone to follow your boot up there, I’ll tell him.

What? And while I’m out there tell Yarran to go to the back pocket and every time he gets it just run and bounce until he gets a goal or gets tackled? Alright! Alright! Stop shouting, I heard you! Tell him “And NO HANDBALLS!”


Yes, Jesus On A Cross, the siren just went for quarter time. Well, no, sorry, I don’t really feel dirty on the boys that at last they’re doing so well. What was that? You want me to take the quarter time address? Shove it up Sticks and the Board? What do you want me to say?

That’s right. Three goals up. Yes, Ediey is doing surprisingly good.

Yes, they all are.

No, I don’t want to say that. Really, Sir? Soap and prison showers? How about I just tell them “Too little, too late”?

Yes, I can add the word “arseholes”.

What was that? Call you Joke? Why would I – No, no! I’m not questioning you like the Board does, Joac, I just… Oh, Jesus On A Cross. J.O.A.C. I get it. It just sounds like, um, never mind.


Hello? Yes, Joac, I gave the address. Well, they looked a little awkward, yes, Joac, a touch embarrassed. Sticks was there. No, Joac, he didn’t say hello. Yes, Joac, “Of course he bloody didn’t”.

You want to what him? Fight? I dunno, he’s a big unit. I know in your day you were a damn tough player.

What was that, before the ball bounces? Put every player in the forward half? All or nothing?

Except Bryce?

Yes, I guess the lot of them down there would be worth one Buddy.

And tell Robbo to bash into anyone not paying attention?


Yes, Joac, I did it. Bryce wants to know why he- Oh, I see. Too pretty.

Um, sorry, I’ve been told to ask… By Sticks, Joac…. Yes, he has figured out by now you’ve put a chair up against the door of the coach’s box.

As I was saying, the boys down here, um, want to know if you’re drunk?

Uh-hu… uh-hu… “Yes, of course you bloody are!” Okay, I’ll tell them.

Won’t this ruin your chances of getting another coaching job? What was that? “How will they know you’re plastered?” Surely the cameras…

Oh. You’ve painted out the coach’s box windows but for two little eye-holes? Well, I guess there’s nothing in the rules saying you can’t do it.

What’s that? One more message to the players before you get your freak on with the lady members of the Carlton cheer squad? Then I can come up and join the fun…? Um… I’m not sure that… On the footy club…? Thank you, but… Big Percy is in there, too…? Thank you, but… No, I do appreciate the offer.

I agree. Fev’s indiscretions don’t seem so bad in hindsight. Absolutely. “Damn straight he’d be handy.”

Yes, I know, no forward line, no backline. Yes, you were doing damn well with the players you had.

Yes, it is all about %$@#& Mick!

Yes, $#%@& bloody $%#@& Mick.

I agree it’s a mug’s game, Brett. I mean, Jesus On A Cross. You’ve been a hell of a good servant of the club. As good as it gets. Absolutely.

Yes, I can see your point. $%#@& Mick will take the list you’ve built up and get all the glory like the $%#@& blow-through that he is.

Yes, Wallace did it at the Doggies. Yes, Hafey did it at the Pies. Well, I guess you could say $%#@& Mick did it at the Eagles.

But, um, the football? No, I mean the game, now. Yes, we are still winning. Yes, Joac, “Damn it.”


What’s that, getting too drunk to see?

Um, well, the half‘s almost over, Eddy’s still killing it. Judd’s cracked the sads, Kreuzer’s still not as good as we thought he’d be, Fev’s made a comeback and Yarran’s kicked 3 goals 20.

No, Sir.

Not one.

That’s right. Now that you’re leaving, not one $%#@&, bloody injury.




  1. This is genius! I’d just love to see it actually happen but sadly I suspect it never will – EVER. Poor Brett, damned either way, with Mick hanging over him like a spectre for months. The upside is that as a Richmond supporter, it’s great to see the Blues eating their own……

  2. Malby Dangles says

    Feeling terrible for Ratts. Would have liked to have seen him give the finger to everyone. Agree that our list is a giant Xmas pressie for whomever coaches next. Oh well bring on 2013 :(

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