Australian Cricket Anthem

Under the Southern Cross I stand
Roll of tape in my hand

A native of my native land
Golden tape – the ball to sand

Stuff a durex down your pants
Need a quickie – take a chance

Man of the match – must be Cummins
Years supply of tape from Bunnings

Australia’s captain – our national leader?
Anzac hero or bottom feeder?

Yellow sticky note to teacher:
Cheating not a worthy feature

Masking tape to hide our shame
Sticky fingers blot the game

Woodfull said “only one team’s playing cricket”
Smithy showed him where to stick it

Boy needs time in the hall of mirrors
Sorry note – not tape and scissors



  1. craig dodson says

    Apalling behaviour..perhaps I shouldn’t have been so supprised. The win at all costs mantra played out in full.

    My three year old caught a glimpse of the news and asked me if Steve Smith Cheated?…yes mate, he did.

    Lets hope, but maybe not hold our breath, for some real change.

  2. Colin Ritchie says

    It is difficult to comprehend how far the Australian Cricket Team has fallen with their display of such appalling behaviour. Unfortunately, someone needs to answer for this abomination, Aussies do not need to cheat! Time to pull up stumps and go home!

  3. Rabid Dog says

    Excellent Peter. Indeed a sad day for Australian sport – sadder than the under arm and Essendon

  4. My 6yo son can’t believe it either, he idolised Smith.

    For me, it’s a relief something like this has occurred. Hopefully the penalty well be good for the game. Maybe I’ll barrack for Australia again one day. That win-at-all-cost attitude Craig mentioned led me to switch teams 10-15 years ago, to the more-humble New Zealand who still play above their weight.

    Have there been similar crimes in other ball-and-stick sports, such as baseball and golf? What is the appropriate penalty?

  5. bob.speechley says

    A shameful act and executed without any thought of the watchful eye of the media following the ball around the ground. That Smith was complicit in the exercise and discussed it during a break in play is staggering.

    I hope the ACB hands out strong penalties to those involved.

    A replacement Captain who can offer real leadership is needed.

  6. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    That’s actually pretty funny PB. Spot on satire. What ever it takes? Where have I heard that before? If I cared about cricket I’d be outraged or something.
    Woodfull/Smith binary a cautionary reminder of changing values.

  7. I like this, PB. Really like it.
    I’m hoping that this is a watershed moment for cricket (for the right reasons)

  8. MGLFerguson says

    “…Have there been similar crimes in other ball-and-stick sports, such as baseball and golf…?”

    Baseball is chock-full of tales of the (ab-?)use of saliva, saliva enhanced with tobacco juice or slippery elm, vaseline, pine tar, rosin, strips of sandpaper, emery boards, bats cored out and refilled with cork or even superballs. The penalty is inevitably a few games’ suspension (10, out of a 162-game season) and a lot of interplay between tut-tutting and wink-winking in the news media.

    Golfers (professional ones, at least) seem to be much more honorable.

  9. MGLFerguson says

    Here’s a story from Sports Illustrated with a number of notable incidents (or, incidents by notable players)

    And from that story, an addendum to my list above: K-Y Jelly. Ew, but then I also hear that some men use Preparation H to smooth/stretch out face wrinkles….

  10. John Butler says

    PB, after the last 24 hours I think we could all do with a laugh.

    And no, I’m not referring to the Eagles.


  11. Appalling behaviour by the Aussies. Especially the captain. Rub them all out.

    BUT, I’m finding it hard to cop all the sanctimonious crap coming out of the Poms and Saffas, both of who feature regularly in the history of ball tampering. The behaviour of the Saffas in this series has also been very poor.

    The issue, in my view, is a cricket-wide one, not just an Aussie one. “Its just not cricket” is a hard saying to understand these days.

  12. It’s not the Day of Shame so much, as our self righteousness leading up to it.

    But where does it say in the rules that you’re not allowed to cheat?

  13. And the ineptitude of it all. Fancy getting sprung so easily. Maybe, as our Captain claimed, it’s just lack of experience.

  14. Smith’s had a hard time mantling the cloak of Captain when it comes to his public perception. Sure his statistics are lauded as second only to Bradman, but like Clarke too, we just haven’t taken him into our hearts like those who came before.

    Now, echoing Francis Leach on Offsiders, he could go on to score 30,000 runs yet he will forever be known as a cheat.

    Time for a clean out, there’s no way up from here for Smith

  15. This is the most horrible episode in Australian cricket. Cheating, caught cheating, time for serious action. suspension, removal of captaincy, vice captaincy, etc are the starting points. However let’s put it in the context of the series and the opponents.

    Boorish behaviour from the hosts with SACU officials caught instigating atrocious crowd behaviour. We have Du Plessis, twice caught previously ball tampering. Philander another with a history of ball tampering,who mysteriously had his twitter account hacked mid series. Then there’s Rabada , a serial offender for poor behaviour, having his suspension overturned.

    Of course on our side is Dave Warner,never far away from controversy. Provoked or not, for our vice captain he won’t be regarded as setting a great example.

    This series is a veritable race to the bottom, who can push the most boundaries. But now we’ve reached the nadir, with blatant cheating devised,encouraged and sanctioned by the team leadership. This includes the coach who must be removed. But who replaces them?

    Chappeli was right in saying if the leadership group were involved in this sordid behaviour, who/from where are the replacements?


  16. Rick Kane says

    Good work PB, and may I join in:

    Bancroft stood on the burning deck
    Sandpaper his downfall
    Smith’s leadership all but a wreck
    Lured by the siren’s call

  17. Michael Viljoen says

    Some say this is a low point for the Australian team. I don’t know about that.

    As a 15 year-old, I saw Trevor Chappell bowl underarm. Back then, it was ‘win at all costs’. To heck with the Spirit of the game. So what’s changed?

    This isn’t any worse.

  18. bernard whimpress says

    Great poem, Peter
    Would you like to come and read this tomorrow week at the ASSH (Australian Society for Sports History) meeting at the Seven Stars Hotel, 187 Angas Street as I’m organising a forum on the topic and sending out notices tomorrow. It would be good to advertise a mystery guest. Give me a call tomorrow on 0447 003 654 if interested.

  19. aussie80s says

    Not sure how this is any more ball tampering than polishing up one side of the ball which is done in every game in plain view and never questioned.

  20. Michael Viljoen says

    There’s a bit of difference. Polishing involves improving the state of the ball, and not its deterioration. And foreign objects are not allowed to be used on the ball. Saliva is an exception, but even wiping a wet ball with a towel needs the consent of the umpire.

    However, I possibly agree that the reaction to this has been a bit overblown considering the history of practice of teams working to condition the ball, and the current ICC penalties and regulations.

  21. Good stuff Peter_B. Showing creativity under the influence.
    High degree of difficulty. But you landed it.
    Tens all round.
    But a six from the NSW judge.

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