Ask and ye shall receive


The AFL put a survey on their website to find out what the spectators think about various aspects of the game, including your club, players, coaches, venues, prices, ticketing, fixturing, rules, and how the game can be made better. It’s another case of the AFL paying money to people to ask questions instead of giving answers. I hope I gave them value for money.

1. Which club do you support?

Financially I support none of them, but I barrack for the Eagles? Is That OK?

2. Who is the most exciting player in the AFL?

Jack Riewoldt. I just can’t wait to find out which quarter he’s going to spit the dummy

3. Which player would you most want at your club?

Ivan Maric. My club has a dearth of mullets.

4. Who is the best young player in the AFL to watch?

Number 3 in the half time Auskick game. He was a monster, though he may have hit puberty before the other kids

5. Who is the most underrated player in the AFL?

Gillon McLachlan. Love the way he carves his way through packs to the free AFL buffets

6. Who is the best strategic coach in the AFL?

Alistair Clarkson. Any coach who can get wins whilst flat on his back has my admiration and is my inspiration

7. Are you happy with how the game is being played?

Yes, and my guide dog loves it too.

8. What do you like best about the game?

Hangers and snaps

9. What do you like least?

AFL surveys

10. What, if anything, would you change?

No runners, no subs, no wukkas.

11. What rule would you like to see implemented?

Two men enter, one man leaves

12. Which rule needs to go?

Umpires throwing the ball up. Grow a pair, bounce it and watch the players scramble for the ball like chooks with their heads chopped off.

13. If you could change one thing about the game, what would it be?

Give the players hover boots so they can play two metres off the ground

14. What’s more important to you – blockbusters, big games on TV or an equitable draw?

It’s a tossup between equitable draw and my kids health

15. Do you want football on Good Friday?

Yes, sadly Jesus can’t make it to the Good Friday game, but is a certainty for the twilight game on Sunday

16. Are the new clubs (Suns and Giants) good for the competition?

Yes, we should have more games from places totally disinterested in football. We should have a team from Uzbekistan.

17. Would you like to see a countdown clock at each venue?

Yes, then I’d know how early to leave when my team is being shellacked

18. Which opposition club do you most respect?

Essendon. Nah I’m just pulling your chain and they seem like they need a laugh

19. Which club do you love to hate?

Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club

20. Would you skip a friend’s wedding if you had tickets to watch your team in the Grand Final?

Yes because I’d give him one of the tickets so he’d miss it too

21. Would you ever consider getting a football-related tattoo?

Yes, I’ve got one that says “I paid $7.20 for a pot of mid strength beer at the footy”

22. Do you think your club is a realistic chance of winning a premiership in the next five years?

Yes, if half the teams in the competition and do a Bradbury/Essendon and fall over

23. Should there be a stand-alone club in Tasmania?

Yes, why not? You know what they say, “two heads are better than no head at all”

24. Do you think your club will be around in 20 years?

Yes, but I may not be. Do you care?

25. Should players’ salaries be made public?

Yes, and could you give me their addresses as well

26. Should clubs get compensation picks for losing players to free agency?

Yes, and a set of steak knives

27. Do you like the idea of zones to reduce congestion?

No, I prefer Codral

28. Should 9-point Supergoals be introduced to the regular season?

Yes, and the player should wear a cape for the rest of the game

29. Are you a:

  • Club member
  • AFL member
  • AFL member with club support
  • General admission patron
  • Fan who doesn’t attend

(tick) Parent with 2 kids who can’t pay for their hot dogs and chips

30. How many games do you attend per season?

  • 0
  • 1-5
  • 6-10
  • 11-15
  • 20 or more
  • This is getting personal. You first…

31. Which timeslot do you most prefer when attending the footy?

  • Thursday night
  • Friday night

(tick)  Saturday afternoon

  • Saturday twilight
  • Saturday night
  • Sunday afternoon
  • Saturday twilight
  • Sunday afternoon
  • Sunday twilight
  • Sunday evening
  • Monday Night
  • Hey, you haven’t got midnight on a Wednesday? Not to give you any ideas…

32. Which timeslot do you least prefer when attending the footy?

  • Thursday night
  • Friday night
  • Saturday afternoon
  • Saturday twilight
  • Saturday night
  • Sunday afternoon
  • Saturday twilight
  • Sunday afternoon
  • Sunday twilight
  • Sunday evening
  • Monday Night

(tick)  When my team isn’t playing

33. Have you ever travelled interstate to watch your team play?

Yes, I used the ruse that I was visiting my dying parent

34. What’s the best time for the Grand Final?

  • Day
  • Twilight
  • Night

(tick)  Grand final day

35. In the past few years, have you decided at any time not to attend a game knowing you can watch it live on TV?

Yes, the WA Derby

36. What’s your preferred way of accessing footy news?

  • Television
  • Newspaper
  • Online
  • Mobile device
  • Tablet

(tick)  A three eyed raven with a piece of paper tied to its leg

37. The cost of attending the footy is:

  • Too high
  • About right
  • Not sure

(tick)  Unbefuckinlievable

38. Financially, which part of attending the game concerns you most?

  • Ticketing/membership
  • Reserved seating
  • Food and drink
  • Parking
  • None of the above

(tick) You forgot all of the above dickheads

39. What is the single biggest issue facing the AFL?

Sleeve tattoos

40. What is the first thing you would do if you were CEO for a week?

Replace the board with high class prostitutes. No one will be able to tell the difference.

41. Would you prefer…

  • State of Origin
  • International Rules Series
  • No representative football

(tick)  Another concept: The two most popular footballers in the AFL take turns to pick their sides. Those players not picked will then be referred to as “Neville-no-friends”



  1. Cheryl Critchley says

    Great stuff Matt. I hope you sent that in! I did that survey and also noticed that there was no option for people who had attended 16-19 games, which is what I saw last year. Very useful. Not.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Fantastic Matt more articles from you , Please spot on sarcasm loved your replies could have included we would love some common sense !

  3. Excellent, Matt

  4. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Very funny Matty Q. They are so out of touch. Is Codral a banned substance?

  5. Very funny Matt. Re your tattoo: please reassure me that you had the “$7.20 for a pot of mid strength beer at the footy” done in roman numerals.

    The survey will be analysed by the same people at the AFL who announced that there was “huge support” for Sunday night footy when their questionnaire showed less than half of those asked liked the idea.

  6. Take a bow Matt Q…

    Just brilliant!

    “And my guide dog loves it too” – an oldie but a goodie.

  7. Love it Matt Q.

    Having worked in HR for 20 years, I am a big fan of your Q11. There’s not a workplace issue or problem that couldn’t be solved by Thunderdome.

    Q 27, Codral, very good and Q31, GF question, love it. Q 39, agree

    Well done

  8. Brilliant Matty Q. Any chance you might take up the pen for the Eagles this season? Why not start this Saturday. I have a commitment on the Royal Maylands Golf Course and will be unable to watch our victory first hand.

  9. matt watson says

    I think the real danger here is the AFL will take your answers seriously.
    Actually, I am hoping they take your answers seriously…

  10. Rick Kane says

    I knew this wasn’t a muck around piece when Clarko was cited as best coach going around.

    But c’mon, you know the answer to 14. What’s more important to you – blockbusters, big games on TV or an equitable draw? It’s a tossup between equitable draw and my kids health

    Shit, we’ve been arguing about the equitable draw for long enough. make it happen.

  11. Hover Boots !!!!
    To use an old AFL slogan: “I’d like to see that!”
    Great work Matty.

  12. kath presdee says

    Wish I’d thought of hover boots. Although maybe jetpacks for Full Forwards to take speccies (except Jeremy Howe)

  13. Beachcrave says

    Snort out loud funny. Thanks MQ

  14. Thanks all. I was inspired by our Ep 9 Podcast chat with Cheryl Chrichtley and her selfless fight for the rights of fans, something the AFL can’t see from their priviledged bubble.
    Mickey, Roman numerals is inspired.
    Ricky, I knew I was in trouble saying something positive about Hawthorn.

  15. Gregor Lewis says

    15 & 16 – MAGIC …
    … Ahem, I mean ‘god’s work’.
    But I wonder, even in the euphoria of his Comeback, would Jesus be ‘tempted’ to watch the Ural Mountaineers Expansion Team take on the Giants?

    If so, they’re gonna have to change the name of that book/movie – it’s now just ‘The Second Last Temptation of Christ’.


  16. This wasn’t a real survey, was it? Surely Matty Q write these self-serving questions for the purpose of a laugh.

    If it is real, you’ll have to explain “hangers” to the entire AFL executive. Might be a little too grass roots for them

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