‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even Harms’ mouth;

Blue and white stockings – the chimney festoon,

In hopes that the Handicapper will be filling them soon;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds;

As visions of Cats premierships danced in their heads.


While over inPerththe Avenger put on her scarf,

And settled to bed for an Almanac laugh;

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from our bed to see what was the matter;

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.


The moon on the breast ofPerth’s dusty red haze,

Gave a lustre of midday that dazzled the gaze,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a miniature sleigh and lots of tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver – a frothing old ranter,

I knew in a moment he must be St. Phanter.


More rapid than Varcoe his Knackers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now, Dips! now, Dave! now Gigsy! and Flynny!

On, Josh! On, Julia! and Danni there too – in her black and white mini;

More reindeer appeared – there was JB and Litza,

Till Phanter cried out – where’s Donna and Blitzen?


To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the housetop the coursers they flew

With the sleigh full of stories, and St. Phanter too.


And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Phanter came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.



A bundle of empties he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth with the flecks of pie crust,

And the flush of his cheeks was as red as the dust.


The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I groaned when I saw him, in spite of myself.


A wink of his eye and a quick Christmas cheer

“Been a long thirsty ride – can you pour me a beer?”

“Bloody hell Phanter – thought you were tucked up in Burnie”

“To what do we owe this strange Christmas journey?”

St.Phanter said “mate it’s my long annual ride’”

“To convince all you heathens to join the right side.”


“I come once a year – to Eagles, Sainters and Pies,”

“Tell Phanter you’ve been good – I’ve heard all the lies;”

“Won’t help in September – pleas fall on deaf ears,”

“Cup sleds pulled by Cats – not teams of reindeers.”


“I screwed up my nose and called Shandy the dog,”

“Get him out of here boy – while we’ve still got some grog;”

Phanter ran for the chimney – a terrible sight,

Calling “Merry Christmas to all – and to all Knackers good night.”



  1. PeterB – the best till last. Magnificent.

    I’ll sleep on Christmas eve once my duties are done
    With a smile like a cat who’s eaten a cream bun.
    The Premiership Cup was ours in 2011
    And the Varcoe goal is still celebrated in Heaven.

    Happy Christmas one and all.

  2. Pamela Sherpa says

    Nice one Pete, now get some sleep
    And don’t into your stocking peep
    When you awake on Christmas day
    Then ask -how many days is the footy away?

  3. Peter, I will seek an opinion regarding defamation and stalking from one of my friends.

    My my, you are lucky I have no friends.

  4. John Butler says

    Aw, c’mon Phantom.

    We’re your friends. :)

    PB, have a great holiday (if you’re actually having one).

    That goes for all the Knackery, even the Collingwood supporters.

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