(with apologies to Bryan Dawe and the late John Clarke)
==
Principal: Come in, Barnaby.
Barnaby: (over his shoulder, yelling) Oh! Tell him to come here and say that! He’s asking for it!
Principal: Barnaby.
Barnaby: (still yelling, taking his seat) After school! The shelter sheds!
Principal: Barnaby, that’s enough.
Barnaby: He’s asking for it.
Principal: Who’s asking for it?
Barnaby: The Shrinking Man, that’s who. He’s inept.
Principal: Now, now.
Barnaby: Inept.
Principal: That’s a terrific word, Barnaby. Congratulations.
Barnaby: Thanks.
Principal: Yes. But we’re not here to talk about the Head Boy, are we?
Barnaby: Aren’t we?
Principal: No. Do you know why I called you here?
Barnaby: (glares; changes to a stare of confusion)
Principal:
Barnaby:
Principal: Well?
Barnaby: Is it because of my watering job?
Principal: Your watering job? Why would I call you in to discuss your watering job?
Barnaby: Oh.. I don’t know. It’s been a tricky job. Surprisingly tricky…
Principal: How has it been tricky, Barnaby? We only have so much water. You just need to fairly and equitably share it around.
Barnaby: Yeah. Sort of…
Principal: Have you managed to share it fairly?
Barnaby: Yeah, nah. Mostly…
Principal: I see.
Barnaby: Well, it’s complicated. There’s not enough water. And too many tough guys.
Principal: Which tough guys?
Barnaby: Nah. It’s alright. They told me not to say.
Principal. Hmm. Alright. We’ll leave that aside for tonight. But we’ll come back to that at Parent-Teacher interviews, I think. Look, I didn’t call you in here to discuss your watering job. Why do you think I invited you here?
Barnaby: Is it because of my old girlfriend?
Principal: Pardon?
Barnaby: Well everyone’s talking about it. And I just changed girlfriends. That’s all. Lots of people do that.
Principal: Lots of people change partner, that’s true.
Barnaby: Yeah, so what’s the big deal?
Principal: Well it was a bit more serious than that, wasn’t it, Barnaby?
Barnaby: No it wasn’t. Not really.
Principal:
Barnaby: Well. Sort of. Well, yeah, I guess.
Principal:
Barnaby: But I’m allowed to do that. It’s a free country.
Principal: Of course you’re allowed. And it might surprise you to know that I didn’t call you in to discuss your personal life, either.
Barnaby: Oh.
Principal: No. It’s none of my business. But thanks for telling me. You reveal quite a lot.
Barnaby: (checks his trousers) Do I?
Principal: Probably more than you know. Now, Barnaby, can you think of any other reason I might have asked you in here? Anything at all?
Barnaby: Er…. You tell me.
Principal: Barnaby you’re responsible for a lot of School money, aren’t you?
Barnaby: I was voted in for that job.
Principal: Yes. Now, what do you know about the word “nepotism”?
Barnaby: (Tilts his head) Err… Is it better than “inept”?
Principal: Well… they probably belong side-by-side. What about “awareness”?
Barnaby: (leans forward, eyes gleam) What have you got in mind?
Principal: No, no. I mean, what do you know about the word “awareness”?
Barnaby: (rocks rapidly back) Ah-wear-niss, you say? Nope. Don’t know that one.
Principal: Ahh, well this is why you’re here today. You hold a position of enormous trust when it comes to school funds.
Barnaby: Yes.
Principal: And your judgement is called upon with regard to all sorts of very important decisions.
Barnaby: Yes.
Principal: You’re supposed to be a leader of our community, Barnaby.
Barnaby: Yes.
Principal: And in that position, you simply can’t go getting jobs for your mates. And you can’t accept expensive gifts from mates. It’s not on. It’s simply not on.
Barnaby: No.
(Bell sounds)
Principal: Look, I’ve got to go. Now, what do you suggest we do from here?
Barnaby: I know some watering blokes that could help me out.
====
J Clarke and B Dawe would have smashed this week.
This script lends itself (in totality) to works such as this:
About David Wilson
David Wilson is a hydrologist, climate reporter and writer of fiction & observational stories. He writes under the name “E.regnans” at The Footy Almanac and has stories in several books. One of his stories was judged as a finalist in the Tasmanian Writers’ Prize 2021. He shares the care of two daughters and likes to walk around feeling generally amazed. Favourite tree: Eucalyptus regnans.
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No apologies to John and Brian needed David.
e.r.
If there is a heaven John Clarke is surely sitting there pissing himself laughing, and rueing the fact that he and Brian were not able to be a part of all this.
Ha ha. Nicely played out ER. Can just imagine this.
I might be wrong, but I can’t help wondering if we all missed the real reason behind Turnbull’s “a shocking error of judgement” comments. Was he discreetly, indirectly having a crack at the Opposition Leader for his actions about a decade ago?
Ah, the dark arts…
Thanks G Duncan, Smokie, D Balassone,
It seems truth is stranger than fiction, after all.
DB – that’s an interesting interpretation.
#yikes
Onya, E Reg.
It’s a brave man who dares to satirize current events.
#gazumpedeveryday
Brilliant! Well played ER.
Loved the Clarke & Dawe clip. What a loss J.Clarke was.
Reckon DB has nailed the interpretation intended by MT.
Very hard to like anyone in parliament at the moment. Rulebook for PM.