Almanac Holiday Greetings – How To Make Gravox

Hello ‘Nackers, it’s Swish here, I hope you’re keeping well
It’s the 21st of December, another bastard year from hell
Got my booster booked in, I hope to travel by July
My kids work from home nearly every day
Cos they live at home for free


Haven’t seen my mum who now lives in Queensland
Near Redcliffe on the coast
I’ll fire the Weber up to 250 degrees, a touch more maybe
Better not bugger up the roast
Better buy a tin of Gravox now
I bet I’ll get the blame
Boil the kettle, add four heaped tea spoons
A new jar of apple sauce (add some vinegar for bitterness and that extra tang)


And give my love to Dips and to Harms and Smokie
Tell ’em all I’ll write a bit more next year
And back to the NFA, (is it open Christmas morning?)
Friday lunch at 1:05


I hear the Crows have a racist ex-captain, and Tim got caught holding his own
Saturday mornings won’t be the same
Without the Coodabeens
What’s their problem? I never did get Judge Simon.


And Roger, you know I even miss ol’ Roger
With his tales from the western provinces too right
What ever you believe, have a Merry Day
Relax, enjoy your families, just don’t bother with the Big Bash
Later in the evening, we can just imagine
Mickey gets out his frosty Southwark mug and fills it up
And he’ll dance with Claire, I know Someone like her
I think we’re all so jealous
Hope the Demons come top go back to back


I didn’t mean to say that, I don’t care who comes top
Footy doesn’t matter, turning excitement into crap
I used to love it badly, now it’s lost its lustre
I gonna spin some stories, mostly from the old days


So footy I’m sorry, I no longer love you
Yeah I’m really sorry
You just don’t do it anymore for me
You know once I’ve retired, I’ll make real gravy, well yes no maybe
I owe you all plenty, don’t know how to pay it back …



You can read more from ‘Swish’ Here.


More poetry from Almanac Poetry can be read HERE


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About Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt

Saw my first SANFL game in 1967 - Dogs v Peckers. Have only ever seen the Dogs win 1 final in the flesh (1972 1st Semi) Mediocre forward pocket for the AUFC Blacks (1982-89) Life member - Ormond Netball Club -That's me on the right


  1. Beautiful stuff. Like you I’ve become pretty alienated from professional sport. Haven’t watched a ball of BBL & wouldn’t know a Scorcher from a Striker. Tennis normally my summer saviour but looks like we get the B team in 2022.
    Looking forward to Swan Districts and my own golf (once the second cortisone in the shoulder kicks in). Working my way through the complete John Le Carre library my summer indulgence. Spies and traitors read like patriots these days.
    Merry Swishmas to you and yours. I knew the West Torrens – Woodville amalgamation would prove the end of days.

  2. Very droll, Swish

  3. Swish- very timely and I love that your version is both witty and poignant. And like many fine parodies it’s gently mocking but also affectionate towards the original.

    And P. Kelly mightn’t want to hear it but I bet there’s plenty of gravox being slopped up on Saturday around the country!

    Merry Christmas!

  4. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks PB, Smokie and Mickey – I’m not sure why I went with the rant at the end, but what the heck.

  5. Daryl Schramm says

    Very clever Swish. It’s that time of the year when one’s reflections do tend to jump out and demand to be made known. Especially over the past couple of years (we are all two years older after all). Love your work and best wishes to you and yours and to all other readers.

  6. I really love your gravy recipe Swish. Boiling the kettle is a brilliant idea. Our secret ingredient is Worcestershire sauce. But that doesn’t really match the lyrics does it?

    And a Merry Swishmas to you!

  7. Well played Swish.
    What a laugh this is.
    Happy Christmas to all.

  8. Peter Crossing says

    Well done Swish.
    No red wine in the gravox?
    Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year to you and to all.

  9. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks DS, Someone, E.r and Noughts – bringing festive smiles to your dials has pleased me greatly.

  10. Swish Merry Bob Neil and a Happy New Beer for mine the important part is when us footy nuts can take it or leave it surely that tells a lot ! The incompetence and stupidity of the extended VFL to send David McKay to the tribunal for a accidental footy collision was the final straw for me ( as for the big bash crap the competition seems to go for as long as Covid has been around )

  11. Luke Reynolds says

    Better than the P.Kelly version Swish.

    4pm Friday arvo’s is going to be a weird time to tune in, though I do like Judge Simon. Does this move open up the possibility of the return of another former member?

  12. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks ‘Book. I might change my tune in Marchor even Jan when the Ws start.

    Thanks Luke. It’s not quite as good as my From St Kilda To Gepps Cross.

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