Almanac Footy – Over, under, sideways: Happenings in Ten Years’ Time (Part 2)

 

HAPPENINGS IN TEN YEARS’ TIME (Part 2)

 

Last week, from the viewpoint of 2036, we were about to look at some of the AFL’s important ground-breaking decisions of recent years. Let’s have a go at that now.

 

An example of one of these decision-making processes has involved the reform of the structure of the finals. The first great leap forward in these changes was ten years ago when wildcard finals were introduced, so that the 9^th and 10^th teams could win their way into the final eight. That philosophy of inclusion, embracing engagement and opening up finals’ participation further has happily seen the development where, unlike in the old days when once only the top four sides played finals, now it’s only the bottom four who do not! Fabulous!

 

It’s been a wonderful innovation, stimulating feel-good vibes similar to those you might remember when your kiddies brought home a certificate from primary school for simply turning up and participating. Naturally it has been very popular with supporters, seeing that your team really has to be a horribly shambolic rabble to miss out. And popular also with broadcasters, as the play-offs occur right through September and October, with the Grand Final pushed out to November.

 

This has meant that we’re in the really fortunate position of just about having footy all year round. With so little Test cricket being played in recent years, three solid months of the Big Bash between its privately owned Bashin’ Battalions, as the teams are affectionately referred to these days, occupies the rest of November through to February, and then it’s time for the pre-season footy competition and the beginnings of another season.

 

Speaking of fixtures, the blockbuster games between traditional rivals have continued to be a great success. One of the highlights of last season you’ll remember occurred with the presentation of awards by the Governor General, rotund, ruddy faced and recently knighted, after the Anzac Day match in April. He eulogized the Anzac spirit in an emotional speech, during which he referenced how 120 years ago brave Australian troops “kicked arse at Gallipoli” and “saved the friggin’ British Empire, mate”. But then, unfortunately, he stumbled and disappeared behind the temporary podium in the middle of the MCG. Realising the G-G had previously been a man on the land and a veteran of rural politics, one of the AFL office’s AI chatbot “journalists” as they’ve become known, quickly digested reports of the incident and wisecracked that he needed to get back on his horse because he’d fallen off the wagon….! Ahem….guess you had to be there.

 

Furthermore regarding fixtures, some fans might be unsure about whatever happened to Gather Round. What began as an exciting concept and a great success for a number of years has disappointingly fizzled out, and losing its fizz is actually an apt description, for its ending came as a result of a dispute over beer.

 

The Pulteney Street Beer Riot was a nasty incident, triggered when thirsty hordes of Victorian footy fans who had descended on Adelaide for that particular weekend demanded pubs stock bottled Victoria Bitter, or even better had VB on tap. (Hotels in SA pretty much have to have West End on tap, but VB too….?) A flashpoint developed in a couple of the lovely old pubs in the leafy south-eastern quarter of the CBD, a precinct where riff raff had never been welcome, and conflict kicked off. In response to the demands of the Vics, some locals offered the withering reply “Go back to where you came from!” Boom! as Jurgen Klopp would say. It was on! And so ended Gather Round.

 

Now, a few words about umpires, without whom we don’t have a game. They of course, due to a number of factors we’ll touch on, have been replaced by robots. It has been a tough time for the men in white, as they’ve been made redundant and shoved aside by machines, but with the support of loved ones and sweethearts, in some cases their wives, they’ve managed to get through this difficult period of transition in the game.

 

We saw how human umpires gradually lost the ability to bounce the ball through the early 2020s, and though robot umpires can’t bounce it either, they can throw it up well enough as has been the requirement for quite some time now. While pretty good mechanically regarding movement and covering the ground, robot vision is still in the developmental phase and fairly poor, but this matches with the traditional human version of the umpire and hasn’t been an impediment to their broad acceptance.

 

And anyway, it got to the stage when, years ago, there just weren’t enough young people interested in becoming umpires due to the abuse they received. These new robot umpires are impervious to that obviously. But they are still trained not to accept dissent from players and to award free kicks if they hear anything untoward. Which is fine in theory, but some players are still getting away with unacceptable behaviour that isn’t being picked up, for example in a recent game when a huddle of them were giggling and smirking, making jerking movements with their arms and coming out with “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” and “Unhand me, you bubble-headed booby!” and thinking it was all very funny.

 

Which brings us finally to….player behaviour. Hmmm. A perennial concern of clubs and administrators. Happily, and with great relief, we haven’t seen too many scandals appearing in the media lately. Sure, in the early days of the Tassie Devils there were a few players who were lost to the game, swallowed up by the glitz and glamour of the Hobart nightlife, and there’s always going to be misjudgements and brain fades, you know….dick-pics and high jinks, but nothing new there.

 

It may be that the ever-increasing celebrity status of players and the demands on them regarding public appearances and well-rewarded commercial arrangements has flattened the curve of misdemeanours. The continued success of reality TV has seen it absorb many footballers into the grinding gears of the celeb-machine, and it’s a genre of TV where viewers expect to see fit, wholesome, Aussie males in programs that reflect the aspirations and concerns of those ordinary viewers’ mundane, everyday lives. Yep- keepin’ it real.

 

So in recent times we’ve watched “Love Island- AFL Edition”, which went gangbusters as they say in the industry, and “Cougar Wants a Midfielder”, which to be frank didn’t rate quite so well but production has been extended, as the creative team behind it seek the perfect match with an on-field position. Will it be a half-back flanker or a small forward? We’re sure it will go totally off when the right combinations are cracked. And then, apparently screening soon, is a new show on relationships, something sure to attract a sizeable audience.

 

Insiders have dropped a few hints in the direction of an expectant public regarding the show, and we think it sounds great. A footballer and his partner are filmed in their expensive car, arguing and bitching all the way during the drive to the weekend’s game, then sniping and shouting at each other in the car park of the venue, and later after the game engaging in loud quarrels in the dressing room, embarrassing everyone in the vicinity. Blushes all round. Its working title is “Hard Ball Gets and Hissy Fits”, so look out for it. Can’t wait. Maybe your favourite footballer will appear!

 

Read Part 1 of Reject Phil’s football Happenings in Ten Years’ Time HERE

 

Read more from Reject Phil HERE

 

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