Almanac Footy: Football Jargon (Part 2)

 

FOOTBALL JARGON – PART 2

 

Footy fans, in this second section we’re going to try analysing some further examples of the sometimes mysterious jargon of the game that we couldn’t squeeze into our discussion a couple of weeks ago. We did say that it’s a big subject- so, from the comfort of the armchair in the dimly lit study, let’s consider the following.

 

A classic example to begin- ‘one percenters’. This frequently used term used to pop up all over the place in footballing discussion, but not so much now our research indicates. And we think that this is because football coaches have pretty much given up trying to communicate with players through the application of simple mathematical skills. Too many times over recent years coaches have berated, barked at and bawled out players during half time addresses, demanding a focus on one percenters, only to be met with blank looks and clueless, mumbled grunts. So it’s entirely understandable that the term, having lost its effectiveness, is no longer in such common use.

 

What has caused this deterioration in the players’ grasp of fractions and percentages, of the principles of junior mathematics? What has led to the scene where a footballer in a pizzeria was recently overheard to have answered, when asked by the waiter if he would like his pizza cut into four or eight pieces, “Oh…four please. I couldn’t manage eight pieces”? We think it may be partly due to the increase in the narrowing of the modern player’s origins, through scholarships to well equipped educational institutions, where rather than attend double maths that afternoon their schools’ coaches will urge them to hit the gym and do a weights session instead.

 

‘Hunt the carrier’. Another World War Two reference possibly- we noted one last time if you remember. This has its origins in the Battle of Midway, we would guess, where the United States’ and Japan’s aircraft carrier fleets met in the Pacific in 1942. It was a bit of a disaster for the Japanese, and a significant turning point in the war. Difficult seeing this resonating with many players but.

 

And incidentally fellow fans, on this subject, don’t you find it just a little tiresome when sections of the media, and some coaches too, seem more and more to be employing completely over the top terms such as ‘going to war’ with their opposition, ‘leading a team into battle’ and ‘fighting in the trenches’ when discussing a sporting contest? Let’s approach this seriously for a minute- which is not something we undertake without due consideration- and state the obvious. Very few players that we’re aware of have been shot at and injured with a rifle, injured due to explosions, or have been taken prisoner playing Australian Rules football. We don’t know what happens in other sports in different parts of the world, for example up in Sydney with Rugby League, but this type of thing is very rare here in the traditional footy states. So, enough of this war crap, huh?

 

‘Breaking the lines’– sneezing near the cocaine.

 

‘Celebrations / Celebrating’. Now where has this come from? Not so many years ago you might hear the term in relation to the adoring fans applauding a goal and cheering on their team, but these days, rather, it is the players getting excited and going off, with commentators of course egging them on. We think this phenomenon has crept into the game via soccer, where the celebrating of the occasional goals can account for large chunks of the scheduled ninety minute match duration. It can quickly become tedious, though we must admit a dramatic knee slide going horribly wrong and leading to self-inflicted injury is always entertaining.

 

But, it looks like it’s here to stay in footy. We’ve got hi-fives, lo-fives, back slaps, hand claps, arse taps, chest bumps, fist pumps, bum rubs, friendly thumps, hair ruffles, group huddles, manly cuddles, finger fiddles, loud screaming and passionate embraces to name just a few of the methods involved if you wanna get down and do some celebrationising!

 

This next example was mentioned on one of those fascinating weeknight TV panels of ex-footballers, where they are squeezed into their clothes, talk very seriously and are tasked with stirring up interest in the games they are discussing, however mediocre they were. Some time ago an ex-Collingwood legend used the phrase that a player from that same club, who had missed a lot of football through injury and needed more game time in his comeback, had to play ‘legitimate minutes’.

 

This got us thinking about the nature of legitimate minutes, which we naturally assumed, because he was discussing this in connection to Collingwood, related to games players participated in while clear of any criminal involvement, or dealings with law enforcement agencies and the judicial system. The player he was referring to obviously had something going on in his life that we’d probably be better off not knowing about, and looking around the different AFL clubs we can see some likely types who are quite possibly in the same situation, natch.

 

If we go back through the decades, back through the mist of things past, there were so many more of the celebrated ‘hard men’ in the game, the sort of player mentioned in this context perhaps who might have had the odd scrape with the law. Different times. And imagine for example, to randomly pluck a club’s name from the hat, Collingwood ex-players’ functions from those years. After numerous beers these bandy legged and pot bellied veterans would laugh at the familiar old stories of their stretches in Pentridge, and the good times they had and camaraderie they developed inside. Like when they would drop the daks of the Warden in the middle of the exercise yard, or rearrange another inmate’s face with a sockful of billiard balls lifted from the recreation room, or put shaving cream on top of the trifle served for dessert when the Corrections Minister visited for lunch.

 

They would laugh so hard their old cracked ribs ached, or it might feel like a stitch or two among a myriad, holding together forgotten wounds, might pop or ping. Yes….legitimate minutes, and precious memories.

 

And while we’re getting nostalgic, here’s an example to finish up with. Oftentimes a footballer is described as having a special something ‘in their locker’, a particular quality they possess. Which reminds us of a scene from the mid 1970s, of yes, lockers and change rooms, of a time when Australian society was changing rapidly in all sorts of ways. And of course this was reflected in football itself, a mirror to the wider world.

 

After a game which his team had lost, an old style, fire breathing coach was giving his players a fair old bake in the change rooms, spittle flying and veins in the neck prominent. “Look at you lot” he bellowed, “you’re soft, you’re pampered, you’re making more money than I ever did when I was busting a gut year after year playing for this jumper. Your bloody long hair, fast cars and rock music. Bahhh! I’m sick of it!”

 

At this point a player, oblivious to the coach’s ire, wandered in from the showers next door with a towel around his waist, his hair wet and straggly, his moustache drooping, and called to another player across the room, “Hey mate, toss us your can of Brut 33 will ya, I left mine in the Monaro. Wanna smell sweet at the Skyhooks show later.”

 

That’s all for now footy fans. And remember, as we mentioned last time, keep an eye out for any Teslas in your street. Cheers.

 

 

Read Football Jargon Part 1 Here

 

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